Pure...

The most purest thing is love in its innocent, sincere and honest form.

(What I feel after reading conversations between a fellow adik and his girlfriend on his FB wall...)

Shoe...

Took a friend out for lunch yesterday. Could not help but feel affected by what she shared with me.

From the moment we got into Blue, she iterated every single detail of what she was going through. What was thrown at her, what was expected of her, and how it all became so overwhelming for her.

She was already throwing hints at me months before, but I would always shrug it off. I thought she was being a typical woman throwing I-give-up statements ever so often. I did not know that she really meant it.

When we got to the parking lot of Ampang Point, that was the breaking point. That was when she broke and let out the pented up emotions. I felt her pain; I felt her not just as a friend but also as a woman. As short tears rolled down her cheeks, I too felt my heart sank. I felt that it was not fair that she had to go through that pain; that she had to receive all those beating of words. A woman does not need to face the hurtful words of being compared to another woman. A woman does not need to hear her predecessor's name over and over again or told how efficient or effective things were before.

I feel for her. I would not and do not ever want to be compared to anyone. I would not want the quality of my sacrifices become the subject of comparison. Nor do I want to be given the same expectation as whoever it was before me.

But the irony of the situation was - she was compared to me. It was my name that became the benchmark, repeated nauseously (if such word exists), and became the knife that hurt her numerous times. It was my name that was repeated over and over again. Surprising as it may seem, I too was feeling nauseated at the thought of being compared to ME!

Only after dropping her off that I realized how big a shoe she has to fill in. Probably I ought to feel proud that even after over a year, it was my love and passion that became the current expectation for her to meet. Probably I ought to feel good about myself, that I had done the right things then, that I had given my all. That all those nights I had spent till dawn with the girls sleeping in the surau have now paid off. That my willingness to put aside my femininity and pretend that I was born with brawn was taken note of. Maybe I ought to feel happy for myself...

But still.

I am sorry I left a big shoe, D. I did not know I had such huge foot. Now looking at it, even I would not want to be in your shoe! :D But I know you'll be able to fill it up with time. All the best!

:)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Just A Thought...

I did not know how much I affect others in their lives. Until yesterday, when I found out that I still have an effect on someone so much so that that person took a drastic action, even when I was keeping my distance and was being silent.

I am happy to know that I have such influence, even by doing nothing.

:)

Almost A Month!

I was surprised to see that I haven't written anything in almost a month. I must have been THAT busy to not have time to layan my emotions.

But the truth is, I have been layan-ing my emotions almost everyday. Fighting myself out of bed every morning, coaxing myself with sweet promises, indulging myself in lies upon lies upon lies that all is well and that I love my job.

The fact is, I do love my job. I love the new things that I learn everyday. I love the fact that somewhere along the line, what I do now would matter at the end of the year. I love it that I learn to read media kits from the niche magazines; I love it that my newsletters would be read by people all around the world (though some may end up in their spam box). I love the fact that I am a small tiny molecule alongside the many other molecules trying to make a national event successful. I love being the small drive that contribute to a huge result.

But there is too many things to do at one time. There are too many urgent matters that require attention yesterday and not today. There are too many pending tasks that could have been tabled last week but are still untouched this week. And there's only 24 hours in a day, not to mention that now we have about a minute plus less everyday due to the earth movement during the Japan catastrophe.

And me being me, one who would lay out everything one by one, piece by piece, just cannot sprint at the rate that the team would want me to. Slow and steady is not how the game is played. In this game, the tortoise will never win. I have to be the hare, but I am not the hare. I can't run as fast as the hare, not only that I don't have the stamina, I also don't have the knowledge to run that fast. I do not know the nooks and crannies as to figure out a shortcut. I am looking at the map and trying to catch up with the race at the same time. Oh, let me tell you that the map is actually a blank piece.

So there you go.

My daily emotional roller coaster ride. I may be able to hype myself up and out of the house, but the moment I step into the office, the whole hype disappear with the thin air. I become lifeless, like a puppet without its master. But surprisingly, a lifeless puppet I am but still able to push myself to work pass 12 hours on certain days. :P

But I keep telling myself - I love my job. *SIGH* 

So... That's All There is...

D-day - I was numb.

Day 2 - I was worried and restless.

Day 3 - I was a mess.

On Day 3, I hitched a ride during lunch time from a colleague to the mall near the office, and walked alone aimlessly. I didn't feel hungry despite a very light breakfast. My heart was racy; I couldn't think straight. I felt so lost and helpless.

Despite my colleague's advise to call her once I was ready to head back to the office, I walked. I needed to clear my head; I needed to think straight.

That was when I realized something.

Back in those days I was in school, Mama would always pull a face at Ayah everytime he sulked when his car broke down. She would always grumble, saying that if it was her being sick, he would not have cared so much.

I didn't understand why she grumbled; nor did I understand why he would sit quietly staring right through the television after dinner. I would always stay away from them both - knowing it would not be a good time to ask for additional pocket money or permission to stay back after school.

Whenever the mechanic came, Mama would always say "Ah Chen! Tolongla bela kereta tu... Dia (pointing to Ayah) banyak susah hati dia punya girlfriend sakit tau! Saya sakit pon dia tak susah hati macam ni..." (Ah Chen, please fix the car. He is so upset that his girlfriend is not well! If it was I, he wouldn't have been so upset...")

I would always giggle - never taking it too seriously.

But today, while walking back to the office, I suddenly understand. That walk had made me understand why Ayah would be so down and worried when his car broke. That walk made me realize that I too would be a mess everytime Blue broke.

Then I realize, it not so much of the love towards the car. It is the heartache that piece of metal caused when it got sick. It is the connotation it brings - car breaks down, pocket bores a hole. Car breaks down, immobility hits. It is the heartache of knowing that you depend so much on a car. And knowing that money doesn't come easy to get that piece of metal fixed and moving again.

So that's all there is to it.

Next time you see me walking aimlessly in a mall, you know that Blue isn't well and that I'm a mess - emotionally.

:D

But... Seriously...

Sometimes in life, we just don't have the faith in ourselves as much as others have in us.

I wonder why.

I wonder why that in every steps and moves that I make, I never believe that I can make it.

I keep fearing that I will fail.

Probably it's because I am passing through unchartered territory.

That I am not familiar with the landmarks.

Unsure of the stones I am stepping on.

But, seriously, I really have no faith in myself.

Hiatus...

It's been almost two months that I haven't been living my 'normal' life...no more late nights of succumbing to my innermost emotions, no more walks to peptalk myself out of a roller coaster ride.

My late nights would be to brainlessly surf the virtual sea or to make fun of friends on the social network. Not that I have brain-full daytime anyway. :P But to a certain extend, my brain just refuses to comprehend the emotions. It will call it a day whether there's work pending or not. It would ignore the waves of emotions, putting them all in a box for later consumption. And more often than not, those emotions just dwindle away unconsumed.

But I don't intend to stay this way for long.

I would want to start riding the roller coaster again for some reason. I would want to hear my overpowering voice again. I would want to wallow away in my emotions and be suffocated by them... but until then, I think I should get some rest... :P

Life...

Tonight a friend lost his mother. Not that he is a close friend such that his loss affects me, but the fact that life is so fragile makes me want to stop time and pray that I will not have to go through that sad stage of life.

You see, I have lost a child before. But that is different. As much as you love a being that had grown inside you for nine months, losing a child is not close to being as devastating as losing a parent.

Losing a child is like the whole world fall on you; losing a parent is like being swallowed whole by the world.

I can never imagine that happening to me. And if I can ask for it, I do not want to have to go through it ever.

My parents have been the pillars of my life. My main support team, my cheering team, my let-me-pull-you-back-on-track team, my you-know-we-are-always-here-for-you team. Time and again, I remind myself of how much love they have given me despite me being the hard-headed, stubborn first born. Day after day, I tell myself that I have never paid them enough for the love and encouragement that they have showered me with. There have been days that I hit myself for not giving them enough attention as compared to the amount of attention they gave me while I was growing up. It's as if I am repaying them with a pail of love when what they have been giving me surmount to the vastness of a sea...

And I am engulfed in this guilt that I do not know how to get out of.

Just the other day, my mother iterated a story of an uncle who is now slightly impaired due to a mild stroke he suffered some time ago. The incident was a funny one, and we chuckled at it. But as I was chuckling, a hard tug was pulling at my heart incessantly. I was laughing but I felt pain. Because at the back of my head, I remember how loving that uncle was, how he would call me and gave me a hug and asked me how my day was and what I learnt at school. I remembered his face when he was younger, how his face lit up when he was happy, and darkened when he was angered. I remember how much he loves the sea, fish and fishing. I remember how much he loves his fishing rods and nets. I remember how he was labelled the inseparable twin of my father by their colleagues, because they would travel to and fro the office together. If ayah had to go on emergency leave, one could be so sure that Pak Itam would not be in his office either. But now all I can think of Pak Itam is of how much he is dependable on Mak Itam, a man of strength and opinion is now toned down and is sometimes at loss. As much as I am not ready to lose my parents, I am not ready to lose any of my uncles and aunties. I have not told them of how much I love them and how they have been the moral support that I need in my life.

But I have to face it - that life is fragile... If only I can start somewhere...

The Darkest Hour is Just Before The Dawn...

It's October and for the last few days, I have been looking back and reflecting on things that have been happening in my life.

Too many things. Most of them involved if not emotional, financial. A pessimist me would describe the first 7 months of 2010 as the worst days of my life. A negative me would label it as the time when the whole world crumbled down, hit me, hurt me, bruised me and not one piece escaped me. It was like hailstorm day and night.

I have to admit that there were many times then that I regretted my decision to leave the job that I loved, the job that I toiled for and the one thing that gave me some sense of belonging and independence. I would beat myself up with blames, often feeling that life had no meaning any more. The blaming got worse every time the phone rang and I just knew that it was from the banks pushing for lapse instalments and payments. The emotions were sometimes unbearable. When they were, I would wheedle myself that everything would one day be fine again.

Life was for me at that moment bleak, sullen, mournful, resentful. Time and again, I would console myself that things happen for a reason. But more often than not, I would question back if there was any reason for my own doings. It was my decision and I had to pay for it. It came to a point that I found it dreadful to meet up with ex-colleagues, shy-ed away from even a note of 'Hi' from friends. Despite trying to appear happy, I was dragged deeper into my own black hole.

It was in early June that I really gasp for air. I was drained emotionally. I was strained financially. I finally became the bitter woman some claimed I was some years ago. Nothing helped, not even the solace of brisk walking for close to 5 kms everyday nor the lone time praying and talking to Him from the top of Melawati hill. During those bleak days, I thought that was how life would be for me for the rest of my breathing days.

Then, as how those old saying goes "the darkest hour is just before the dawn", things started to pick up slowly but surely. I finally signed my first employment offer letter in 9 years. 2 weeks after that, another offer popped up. The darkness broke and I started to see light. Very dim, but there was light nonetheless.

It was not until the last weeks or so that I realized, that really, everything did happen for a reason.

I did not realize then, that the 6 months I was down and out, was the 6 months that had me live my potential. Without me realizing, trying to keep my sanity had me do things that I wanted to but had no time to commit because I had to keep a full-time job and trying to please everyone but myself.

I did not realize that in the last 6 months, I have achieved more than I ever had in 35 years!

It was during those bleak days when my first writing was printed in one of the national daily. It may be my one and only, but at least I had a one. I realized that it was the best gift I could ever give ayah, and now the only piece that I have is framed and hanged on his wall. I can never forget for the rest of my life, how speechless he was when I showed him the piece, and how he tried to hide his croaking voice after he read it.

It was during those sullen moments when I volunteered for one running event which lead me to another, that lead me to another and another. Now, I have a permanent voluntary role with one of the organizers, and I am not doing it for the monetary reward but for the fun and satisfaction that nothing else gives.

It was during those mournful hours that I was offered a shot at television commercial acting. For one day in my life, I experienced being a 'star'. It may never come again the next 36 years, but at least it came once and it came at the right time. It came at the time I needed a picker-upper and an esteem booster. And nothing beats seeing my girls laughing happily every time they see me on tv. :)

But the blessing of all blessings that I have overlooked the last many months was, that it was during those resentful days, a kind heart of a beautiful friend held my hand and showed me that I have gone too far astray and lead me back to Him. That kind heart showed me that despite anything and everything, I still have Him to turn to and that I should never give up on Him. Through a 3-day training, I put aside my resentment, my anger, my sadness, my bitterness to realize that I have neglected my faith since the day Sofya passed away.

Now time and time again, I reminded myself that I have been blessed, that my decision to quit the job that I thought I loved was for a reason, that everything that happened during those bleak, sullen, mournful and resentful time of my life was for a reason. Everything, every one of them. Every one.

Little that I know that I would again hand in a resignation letter, just after 2 months of signing the acceptance. Although I was enjoying the new job, I could not find it in me to be passionate about it. Although I made new friends and acquaintances, I longed to be myself again and doing things that I know best. I was the old dog that couldn't be taught new tricks.

But this time, I remember to count my blessings.

And I really have been blessed.

The part time job that I took up since have never seen enough of me. I have never been this worked up before; I have never felt that I needed more than my 2 hands can deliver. And once again, I feel the sense of satisfaction I thought I lost. And as though blessings can never stop coming, the job offer that I was dreaming for came a moment sooner than I expected. It was like a reward when I have been enjoying rewards. It was like rays of sun when I am already enjoying the rainbow.

And only now I know, after seeing how beautiful is the rainbow and how magnificent is the ray, the reason that I was put through the heavy hailstorm. And why the darkest hour is just before the dawn...

:)

A Conversation with a 6-year old

Me: Esok Ya cakaplah kat Teacher Ayu 'Teacher Ayu, semalam saya tak datang sebab saya bangun lambat.'

Ya: Taaakkk... Ya cakap camni 'Teacher Ayu, semalam saya tak datang sebab mak saya tak bangunkan saya.'

Me: *Eyeballs rolling*