Blowing Off Some Steam - Part 1

I think I have not written anything serious (read: political) for quite a while now. But I feel compelled to blow off some steam over a chat I had with someone this morning.

I have known this man for some time already. From the very beginning, I knew that he was not happy with the existence of UMNO and its agenda. Back then, I wasn't interested in arguing with him, plus the fact that I had no interest in the matter myself. Everytime he sent me chat through Yahoo Messenger, he'd ask me what's with the Malays.

No offence, but I try not to be the typical Malay. And he knew that. Most time those days, I'd shrug him off.

But this morning, he must have had a bad one. He was going on and on about the racial issues, the country, UMNO and the stupid and stagnant political situation. I was holding my patience. Honestly, I felt like hitting it back on his face. But instead, I went "hahahaha" and "hehehhe" for the most part. Either he thought I was encouraging him, or he had a thick skin... ramped right past those without even asking me how I felt about the whole situation.

You see, he is currently staying in the neighboring country down south. For the most part, I am sure his source of news would be the media - both printed and online. His frequent trips back into motherland are often short and more than I can imagine, would always get him into the horrendous jams and hideous acts of kay-elites.

So when he went on and on non-stop complaining and condemning the country, I composed myself and thought of the best way to shut him up.

"Since you are in SG, live life, enjoy it there, and maybe some day give up your citizenship", I said.

"It's in the pipeline", he replied.

It was adamant that my diplomatic skill is truely unpolished.

"Life is great, right?" I added.

"Well, life in SG in like shit. But sure smells better than in MY" he said.

Such sour grape bugger. All I felt at that moment was to stranggle and kill him. Not because I am protective of my country, his country, but because people like him are the ones who will halt the mentality of the people. People like him are the ones who will badmouth the nation and create biased views onto others. People like him will torment people like me who try to move forward and create a better nation for the children. People like him will condemn the past till their dying breath and yet never realized that after giving up their citizenship, they have no rights to harp or whine about this country anymore.

Not that we Malaysians don't whine. We do. We have every reason to. The economy, the politics, the lunacy of the policies, the rising cost of living. Almost everything under the sun. But life in Malaysia does not evolve mostly around these - we have family, we have personal issues, we have anything else that comprises the other 50% of our lives that we ought to be grateful for being a Malaysian. And the whining and complaining come like advertisements in between takes and scenes in a television drama episode. We Malaysians are trying to live, in the best way we know how.

It's because we Malaysians staying in Malaysia know that by hook or by crook, we still have to face today and the next. We know that we have a choice, to stay in the country or not. We have the choice to tolerate or to rebel. And we know that despite the stupidity of the political scenes, we rakyat are not as dumb.

So to that acquaintance of mine, I hope you find inner peace. Give up your citizenship. Move away from this region. Go praise other countries, but please leave me and the rest of the Malaysians alone and away from your negativities. Negativities kill, we Malaysians still want to live.

*But believe me I am not done.*

From My FB...

PEACE of mind,

LOVE in the heart,
HEALTH of the body and soul,
HAPPINESS in life...

there is always HOPE.

An Experience...

It was like a dream came true.

The moment I walked into the set, I was in disbelief. The set was cramped despite it occupying the whole of the ground floor of a government office. There were 3 cameras pointing to 2 headless mannequin. Wires were everywhere like slithering snakes and worms. The lighting was very bright. As I was briefed by the assistant producer, someone lifted my baju kurung from the back. I didn't move, as if already knowing that he was actually putting the sound equipment on me. I stretched out my hand in a scarecrow manner, and let him and his assistant do their job.

I was nervous to the max!

I knew I had my cool face on, but I was truly scared. I told myself, "You need to do this! You want to do more of this."

There were moments when I looked around and endulged in myself being the center of attention of some 20 sets of eyes. It was as if I was transformed into a small girl, playing princess in a make-believe castle. I saw each of their expressions; I returned their smiles. For those moments, I felt as if I lived for this.

I did about 20 takes of 4 different lines. I forgot my lines twice, but I made the crew laughed on my mistakes. Hey, even a seasoned talent forgot her lines! *winks*

The talents wrapped up at about 5:30pm, which made it a total of 6.5 hours of work on a Sunday. I didn't mind the wait one bit, for just a shot at television commercial stardom.

Even if this would be my one and only try, I will forever cherish the experience, the marvel and the fun.

The Dynamo Girls

My Wishlist...

Milly, a friend whom I know back in those days in college, did up a wish list of all the things that she would want to do and have while she's still alive.

She managed to stir up my thoughts on things that I would want to do before I kick the bucket myself. But somehow rather, some of them need me to have a stable income before I can even think and write them all down.

As you may know by now, I will again hit the rat race after 6 months of leisure. The idea of being financially independent again, even though this time the bring home cheque will be significantly lesser than what I last drawn, actually gives me hope that I will be able to achieve some if not all of my material wishes.

So here goes.

1. Take up fencing.
2. Maintain the daily walk or at least climb up Melawati hill every weekend.
3. Have my name printed on a book.
4. Try squash.
5. A 1.0 carat diamond platinum ring.
6. Be free of debts.
7. Not the least, be a better muslimah in whatever way possible.

I think that would suffice for now.

:)

And The Day Came...

As I was sitting in that room, I was in disbelief. In my hands were two copies of an offer letter, complete with my name and address.

They looked so crisp and immaculate. Too perfect to be true. I waited almost 6 months to be in this position, yet I am overwhelmed by fear and  uncertainty. Fear of how I would bring myself; uncertain if this is what I really want despite my reasonings to myself.

Would I be able to handle serious work? Would I be able to live a life without events and fun stuff? Would I be able to be me again?

Questions upon questions came to my mind as I sat there in that room. Would I be able to deliver? Would I meet the expectations? Would I be technical enough to understand the processes?

But I do know that this is a blessing from Him. One way of telling me that there's always light at the end of the tunnel and that I can always make it through the rain. Only that I will have to be strong and patient and put in a lot of prayers.

I guess that's the answer to all my questions - pray and do my best. I hope I make it through..

Cucu Atok...

I know ayah must be very touched when this happened.


One evening, Schera went into the kitchen of her grandparents' home and tried to fix herself a plate of rice.

Right then, her atok walked in. She asked her atok if he wanted to eat with her.

Atok said yes.

Seeing that rice in the pot was only enough for one, Schera scooped every single grain into a plate, and put it in front of her atok who was seated at the table.

'Schera tak makan?', asked her atok.

'Atok makan la dulu', she replied with a smile.

Baffled, atok peeked into the rice pot and saw an empty one.

When he told me what his granddaughter did, he was beaming. He was proud to say that his not yet 6 years old granddaughter had sacrificed for him.

I don't know what I did to deserve a beautiful child in my life.

When I lost Siti Ainin Sofya some 11 years ago, I never thought that He would replace her with a more beautiful child. He took away a child so pure, but He replaced with a child with much love in her.

I pray that she grows to spread love and gets back as much.

I Love You... I Sayang You

I had this interesting chat this afternoon - the topic evolved around the difference between love and sayang.

If someone says 'I love you', do you think it differs much to 'I sayang you'?

In more ways than one, we will usually say it's not the same. It's the connotation it brings when we say 'I love you' that makes us warm and fuzzy inside as opposed to the straightforward, unemotional 'I sayang you'.

Being the forever unsatiated arguer that I am, I looked up the definition of sayang and cinta from the Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka website.

And I found (and I have abrreviated the explanation, of course):

Sayang: fond, like, having affection.
Cinta: love

I guess that explains. The warm and fuzzy feeling is not around when we shout out 'I like you' or 'I'm fond of you' or 'I have affections for you' as contrary to 'I LOVE YOU!'

Which makes me wonder. Why do we call the ones we love - boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands or wives as Sayang? Shouldn't we be calling out Cinta, instead? But that would be funny, wouldn't it?

*winks*

:)

Finally A Piece for Her...

She asked me to write about her once.

I asked her, "What can I write about you?" She said, "I dunno, you're the writer..."

That was almost a year ago. I brushed it off, and thought I'd never have anything to write about her or her life.

But today after being on the phone with her for an hour, thoughts upon thoughts came to me on the friendship that has lasted for several years.

We both started as colleagues thrown into a newly formed division. We never actually spoken to each other before other than times when we had teh tarik with others. My initial impression on her was that she was direct, opinionated and open. But hey, can I reserve that for any girls that came from an all-girls school? ;) Then I found out that she and I were the same age. And we shared the same level of thinking.

Circumstances made us closer - kids, life, work, views on anything under the sun. We escalated from being colleagues to close friends. We opened up and let each other into the most private of our lives, things we hardly share with a normal friend. We cried and rejoiced on the smallest of things; we laughed and sighed and we kept our silence through pains and hurts.

The thing about her is that she is not afraid to tell me off if she is against my decisions or actions. And she dares to put her reservations across. She would always challenge me and question me and there have been many times that she had me rethink. I know she wasn't happy with certain things that I went ahead with, but I know she always has my back if I screw up. 

When she decided to quit her job, I knew all along that we would still be in each other's lives. Her being in Klang area is never a deterrance for a lunch date or a lengthy catch up session. Calls and chats and texts have never ceased since.

And every time we would pick up from where we left off, as if we never really left off in the first place.

Beb, I know I have been blessed with many things in my life. And one of the blessings is you. Love you, beb!

:)

The One and Only...

It was really difficult at first when she came. Matter of fact, it was already difficult for me to accept her being around even before she was born.

Being an only child for 13 years, I was already used to having the whole house to myself.

And then she arrived. Two months early and fragile and all the attention was on her. We had to put up at nenek's for the whole 2 months that my mom was in confinement. Owh, and we were getting adjusted that we had just gotten back from Glasgow. It was one of the worst moments in my life.

I remember having to do the houseworks; preparing for ayah's morning nescafe, cleaning the house. I remember dreading what I had to do. The first few days that mama was admited, I forgot to take the trash out. When I opened the trash bin to take the trash, I was shocked by the amount of huge maggots that hovered the bin! I remembered having my cousin cycling over with a can of Ridsect on his BMX to rescue me the housework princess. :)

And it was just right that I blamed her for me having to go through all these, right? :D

And then since she was small, she would always stole the limelight . Having been born at 7 months, almost everyone in the family was at awe with her growth. She grew up chubby and cute, with curly hair and all. I always found her annoying especially whenever she came into my room and ransacked my bookshelves. I would always find it irritating that mama would always back her up whenever I scold her or chase her out of my room. Could not close my door as she'd be banging from outside, yet the sound of her in my room was totalling disturbing.

I think I only spent a total of 5 years staying under the same roof as her. I was elated to be taken out of the house to do my preparatory studies in Shah Alam. Occasional coming home would have me see her grown, yet never able to absorb her into my life.

By the time I was to fly off, she wasn't even in Primary One. The geographical distant further put a distance between us.

I came back after 2 years from The States hauling a husband, and that made things even worse. I was closer to my friends and she was closer to hers. Conversations were short and awkward, hardly the same wavelength. But almost 2 years after that, I had my first born and that was when I came to know of my sister's affection for children, especially her niece. I can still recall how she would love to stroke her newborn niece's hair softly. She had this awe on her face everytime she did that. And a satisfied smile every time.

Years passed and the gap was closing but not progressive. There were days when we tried to strike a conversation and it ended just like that.

Until one day when ayah asked me to talk to her after her SPM. She was insistance on going into catering when her results way surpassed the requirement. I remember sprawling on the floor in my living room exploring what she'd want to do for her future. I remember having given that burden and seeing ayah's face all relieved not having to do that alone.

Had to do the same thing after she finished her matriculation. Bergolek on her bed trying to figure out where she should apply for her to complete her degree. I must say these actually narrowed the gap I had been having with her. We finally found one common ground to talk and share...

And she has etched herself as the favorite anyah for the girls.

But it was until a month ago that I really really come to appreciate her. Having been willing to help me through one of the slums in my life. She has been a great supporter, though silent and non-offensive, but ever efficient. She has been the sunshine for her nieces, all the time dotting and giving in. She cooked their favorite dishes, listened to them whine, became the replacement mom while I sunk into my black hole.

I know for the life of me, that I can never repay her. I can only pray that He does it for me.

And I hope that she knows I am proud to have her as my one and only sister.

I am...

As I stood atop that hill watching cars on MRR2 buzzing like ants towards new source of food, I felt some sense of self coming back to me.

And I realized, that despite anything and everything, I have still have me.

I may be down and out, I may be sad and pessimistic, I may be bitter and vengeful, or unstable up in the head. But I have good health that I am yet to be grateful for. I still have my feet to take me walking. I have my courage, no matter how battered it may be. I still have air around me that I can breathe. I still have friends to pull me up on my feet.

And I can still smile and light up any stranger's heart. I know I have that. I know I can cheer up the whole town but yet I never try to do it on myself.

And I know I have abundant of love to still give away.

I shall survive this. I shall get thru this... armed with my smile, my love and life that has been so kind to me...