Envy...

Sometimes I would think - if we are envious of others with their lives, are there people envious of ours?

:\

My Professional Page

Finally got the my professional page up. Although it's just another blogspot page, but that would suffice for the time being. Was thinking of getting a real website, but then the 'boss' would make some noise that I am not using the company website instead. :P

So for those who are looking for a freelance technical writer/copywriter/editor/business analyst (yeah, i know, i know, mumbo jumbo, right?), do contact me. You can find my credentials here:

http://ainaothman.blogspot.com

I chose to call myself a pseudo-writer because most of the those I wrote never bear my name. Can't quite claim them as mine but I honestly feel safer to brag that way. Ahak!

"Why do you want to stay out of the country?"

Was in Spain recently.

As I had expected, I left Barcelona after a 10-day stint with an empty heart. Although I was glad to get home to my girls and normalty, I knew my heart will not be full again for a while.

And I guess it has been noticeable for the last many years that I look forward to be out of the country that I was thrown the question "You love to be away, don't you? Why do you want to stay out of the country?".

*sigh*

You see, I love Malaysia to bits. I am proud that I was born a Malaysian - with all its ethnicity, colors, (heat), everything minus the politics, of course. I would stand at the Autogate with my passport, tall with pride to have with me a Malaysian passport. I would gleam with awe every time I pass KLCC, especially at night, just like each and every tourists who came and took picture of it. I love my country for all that it's worth. It holds for me the opportunity to find my dream; it gives me the freedom to choose how to live my life.

So why is it that I still love to stay out of Malaysia?

Despite the good things it offers me, Malaysia gives me a connotation of hurts, pains and sadness. Something that I cannot run away from, however I want it. Whenever I step foot on Malaysian soil, it's always the feeling of forlorn and grief that would greet me first. It's like the hard cold reality slapping on your face telling you to wake up and to forget that dream of a perfect life.

And it tells you that a perfect life never existed.

Life outside of Malaysia gives me this sense - a perfect life. No sadness, no anger, no grief, no hurt. Life outside of Malaysia relieves me from the emotional pain that I have been carrying for so long. Life outside Malaysia tells me that as long as I am stepping on their soil, hurt is gonna be minimal.

So there is the answer. The one answer that I have had with me for so long. Now you know...

Rezeki...

Yesterday, I was accused of not believing in that it is God who provides and not human.

Little that the person knows that even though I do not spell it out loud, it is my daily belief that rezeki datang dari Allah. And little that the person knows that every single day, I count my God-given blessings.

To me, blessings do not come only in monetary form. It comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes when you less expect it, it comes to brighten your day and reminds you that Allah still cares.

Just like this evening.

Being a freelancer nowadays render me tight cash-wise. But the kids wanted to eat roti canai and I thought, why not. Before leaving, I gathered all the small change I usually dump in my handbag, calculating the massed amount while putting them in my purse. Enough for tea, I thought.

Upon arriving at the mamak stall, the girls were tempted to order other kinds of food. My mother once told me not to be calculative with the girls, or anyone for that matter, when it comes to food. Not that I ever have. Her words played in my head as I nodded in agreement to the girls' requests, at the same time doing some mental calculation if I had enough in my purse.

I resorted to just a glass of teh ais. I can make a simple dinner at home - let the girls have what they want.

Food came; the girls enjoyed their lunch-cum-tea.

Then an old friend walked in with his wife. We've bumped into each other many times here - they would sit and have teh tarik while waiting for their daughter to finish school and I would always walk in for a roti canai or two.

The couple sat at their own table for a bit, had something to eat and left in just a matter of minutes. As I waved them both goodbye, my friend stood at the cashier's and gestured to include us in his bill.

There you go. Rezeki memang datang dari Allah - it comes in many shapes and sizes; it comes when you less expect it; it comes to brighten your day and most of all, it reminds you that Allah still cares.

So, since I was accused as a non-believer just because I never say it out loud, lemme just say this once and for all - in my life, rezeki bukan datang dalam bentuk duit saja- it comes in the form of friends, their thoughts, their concerns. It comes in the form of a pack of durians from my next door neighbor; it comes in the form of a ride from a neighbor some doors away. It comes in the form of job offerings from strangers; it comes in the form of knowledge and advises and a spiritual course that helped me through the rough patches.

But most of all, in my life rezeki memang datang dari tempat yang tak pernah diduga.

Alhamdulillah...

2012: A New Beginning or Life is Just the Same?

Another year. But it feels the same.

Same pain, same hurt. Things are not going to be different just because it's a different year.

Same monkeys giving the same kind of pain.

*sigh*

Will this ever end?

:(

It has been a while since I really sat down and write.

Been wanting to, but either I got too tired before I even started or I lost the urge the moment I get to it.

Whatever lah...

Today the urge got a bit stronger, and I thought I should get it done once and for all and get the blog all warmed up again.

A (distant) friend lost his father today to a battle with the big C. I could not help but feel numb when I received the news from a mutual friend of ours. I know how his father had been his biggest supporter; he must be devastated. I wish I could offer him more than just a text message bearing the words he must have heard over thousands of times today. Alas, I am just another distant friend.

Instead I poured my sympathy on another friend who shared his own devastating news - that his eldest son may have mild autism. They would only confirm it this coming weekend. He looked really devastated - I don't blame him. I gave him all the positive, most encouraging words I could dig from my heart, though all the time knowing that none of my words could soothe his pain.

*sigh*

I guess now that my generation has arrived at the stage where life is no longer about the car we drive or the notebook we own or the phone we carry. It has come to the point where life and family matters more than material beings. It matters more to us if our kids can't read than if we would not get that year-end bonus. Priorities have slightly shifted, and it tugs at my heart realizing that I am not the only one who have mellowed down and changed my perception in life.

I pray the best for both of my male friends - may Allah gives you the strength you both need in this trying times of your lives.

Ameeenn....

As Usual...

It's only a couple more days till eid.

As usual, I dread the day. I can't seem to find it in me to be happy for Eid Mubarak. I have no idea why.

As usual, I wish that that very day would just breeze in a wink.

There is no mood for celebration, there is no mood for decoration.

All there is is just pretenses, for the kids.

Sigh.

Hiatus Yet Again...

I haven't been here for so long.

Not that I have given up on writing, only that I got too tired mentally these days that i have nothing much to say at the end of the day.

But today... today is something different.

Today I got slightly frustrated over the system that I am currently assisting documentation with. Part of my scope now is also to assist a Company Secretary to use the system. And it so happened that today I was called to provide some hands-on assistance. But when I was there, I could not proceed. Something that they did to the system the night before caused some errors in the system. I was frustrated.

When I got home, I saw a long list of emails on the matter. And I went thru the voices of the mailers. And I felt sad. Sad because there were voices who are just tired working round the clock for the last 5 months to get this up and running, but at the same time there are also voices who just could not be too bothered about the health of the system.

There was a system migration the night before and the system testers said they only checked (please mind: checked not tested). I felt so sad. If I had been them, I would have tested extensively.

Karang kita cakap banyak, orang kata kita pandai sangat. But the fact of the matter is that, the sense of belonging is not there. Semua orang buat keje macam lepas batuk di tangga. I feel so sad.

And I feel tired too.

I feel tired trying to understand why when you migrate, some things will go wrong. I feel tired trying to understand, when you install a new release, some things will not work. Why must a system fail just because a small updates somewhere. Why? Why?

I mean, I have seen this thing for months and months myself and I really got tired of how it looks like to me. I can imagine how the developers feel. Tapi tak boleh ke take accountability and see that the system works at full capacity. Sedihlah...


:(

Naseb ada insiden at noon that sorta brighten up the day a bit... Kalau tak... sigh...

I Wish...

Sometimes I wish I can take a ride and make an appointment to see the Almighty.

I wish I can ask Him if this is the best for me. I wish I can confirm with Him if I am on the right track, and rectify my journey if not.

I wish I can tell Him what I want, and be told right away if what I want is good for me.

I wish He can tell me that He knows my pain. I wish He can tell me that this pain will go away one day.

How I wish...

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Pirah!

In Malaysia, when one says "Piiraahh!", it actually is a gesture saying "I know you're kidding me and you can go fly kite".

:)

And most times, it is said in a very friendly manner and between close friends who do not take offence with each other.

But in my case, it's different.

Apparently, a 'pirah' is actually a blood-sucking tick in Terengganu and Kelantan dialect. I had no bloody idea! (And I mean that literally... :D)

Three Mondays ago, I woke up with my right eye feeling like it was boxed. As if someone had given me a punch while I was asleep. I thought it was just a typical eye-infection and I brushed it off thinking I'd be OK.

On Tuesday, I discovered a small dangling thing above my eyelashes. I started to believe that it was a stye (or a ketumbit, in Malay). I played with the dangly-thingy every time I stand in front of the mirror, pushing it back and forth hoping that it would fall off eventually.

By Tuesday afternoon, I had tiny black specks on my lower right eyelashes. By then, I had gotten a bottle of Optrex to dispose. What intrigued me then was that those dark specks dissolved in the solution. After the second time washing, I deducted that those black specks were dried blood.

Come Wednesday, the pain got worst.

By Thursday evening, the pain was unbearable. The dangly-thingy was by then a big dark dangly-thingy. The specks of blood seemed to come continuously from it. I was by then terribly worried for myself. The eyelid was throbbing. No redness of the retina, cornea, iris or whatever terms you have for the eyeballs. Just the dangly-thingy, throbbing pain and the eyelid.

So I drove myself to the hospital. When the medical officer asked me what was wrong, I asked him if he knew what was wrong because I couldn't. I pointed to him my eyelid. I answered the same way when he was not satisfied with my attitude. But truly, I did not know what it was. I know I could have lived without the attitude, but it was too excruciating not to have any. :P

I must have waited for about half an hour before I was called into the doctor's room.

Doc: Sakit apa?

Me: Tak tau la, doktor. It has been here since Monday. *pointing the right eyelid*

Doc: Apa tu?

Me: (I was like 'you tell me, you're the doc')

For the first 5 minutes, the doctor was really irritated with me. She touched my eyelid, I screamed. She tried to lift my eyelid, I yelled at her. She had that irritated face on when she said she'd have to sent me to the specialist the next morning if I wouldn't let her do anything.

Then a nurse came and asked what was the matter. The doctor said she didn't know what it was and that it was dangling slightly above my eyelid. The nurse took a look and said, "Hmmm... kutu kot...". About then, another nurse came and asked the same question. One look and she said, "Kutu la tu..."

By then, the doctor had gained some confidence. She mellowed down, spoke to me kindly "Why don't you hold your eyelid so that you know where to touch, and I try to pull it out for you?" Right then she reached out for a long tweezer. Again, I screamed "You are not going to use that!"

"Let's try," she said gently. Such a fool I was to fall into her soft words.

As soon as that tweezer landed on that thing, it was as if a thousand pins were poking my eyelid.

With no more shame, I cried.

I wanted to tell her that I pushed out 3 babies and they didn't hurt that bad. Then I thought I'd sound like a smart-alec. So I kept it to myself. And at that moment, I wished I had not brought myself in that situation. I wished I had just stayed home and waited for that thing to just fall off by itself - whatever it was, even if it was an alien.

The doctor agreed to administer local anesthetic for me.

While the nurse prepared me on the examination bed, I shut my eyes real tight. Seriously, I was scared. When the nurse told me to grip tight while she injected the anesthetic, I thought of the 2 girls waiting for me outside. What if I didn't wake up, what if this kills me? And again, I wished I didn't make the decision to be there.

In less than 5 seconds, the doctor came and said "OK, come... kita cuba tarik."

I was resisting, for fear that the anesthetic hadn't come into effect. Too late though, the doctor pulled it out even before I was able to say "'w" for "Wait". Amazingly though, I couldn't feel anything.

They were jubilant! It was as if they had cured me from some alien disease. Me? Well, I was glad to even make it through alive...

:P

But it was not the end of the ordeal just yet.

The next day, the place that was 'bitten' was really itchy that I wished I could get a floor scrub and scrubbed the itch away.

But the whole thing really got my curiosity that I just had to google this thing.

So here's what I found...

Uhuh, that's the thing. That's how it looked like when it was alive. 

And that's how it looked post-eyelid. :P

I wouldn't want to know how it got there in the first place...