Apabila kita merasakan musibah yang berlaku pada seseorang itu adalah kerana penganiayaannya kepada kita, pernahkan kita terfikir bahawa mungkin apa yang berlaku kepada kita itu adalah sebenarnya berpunca dari kita menganiyai orang lain?
Fikir-fikirkanlah...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Lonely Road...
I didn't know that it was going to be this lonely
I would've turned back
And not make the call
If I had known that this road is a loneful journey
It is a time for reflection they tell me
But more of time for remorse and sadness
And more space for emptiness to creep in
There's a reason for everything they say
But when all I see is blame and anger
I start to ask where is the reason
When life seems more unfair and cruel
And has no mercy to the one who seems to be
Carrying more patience than she should.
Time and time again I ask
Is this the path for me, dear God
For it seems so treacherous the further I go
With poisonous vines seem to pierce my soul
And wound my faith
And hamper me from moving forward.
Am I heading towards my destiny
Or am I steering away from it
There is no compass for me to follow
Nor is there the North Star
To tell me to go forward, back, left or right.
It really feels like I am in the middle of a dune, with no telling the direction, all alone, thirsty, hungry, empty.
I would've turned back
And not make the call
If I had known that this road is a loneful journey
It is a time for reflection they tell me
But more of time for remorse and sadness
And more space for emptiness to creep in
There's a reason for everything they say
But when all I see is blame and anger
I start to ask where is the reason
When life seems more unfair and cruel
And has no mercy to the one who seems to be
Carrying more patience than she should.
Time and time again I ask
Is this the path for me, dear God
For it seems so treacherous the further I go
With poisonous vines seem to pierce my soul
And wound my faith
And hamper me from moving forward.
Am I heading towards my destiny
Or am I steering away from it
There is no compass for me to follow
Nor is there the North Star
To tell me to go forward, back, left or right.
It really feels like I am in the middle of a dune, with no telling the direction, all alone, thirsty, hungry, empty.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Technology-bimbo I'm Not; Typical (m) Man You Are
It's so sickening how a man of your own ethnic background can look down on you.
But I'm not referring this to all men, just certain men - the typical (malay) men who have ego the size of Jupiter but ion-sized brains. They think they are the superior-know-it-all and that women are the inferior-you-aint-know-nothing-baby piece of invention God has ever created.
Do you know that there's a daily convention of this male kind on the 3rd floor of Low Yatt Plaza? Yup, there is. I only discovered it by accident today.
My not-so-little-anymore sister decided that she'd get herself a new toy on New Year's day and had asked me to come along. I don't know much, but I do know that I know enough when it comes to comparing specifications.
At our first stop, a Lenovo caught our attention. The lengchai in-charge enthusiatically listed out the specification. No printed brochure, but he was kind enough to write down the details on a piece of blank paper. I haggled on the freebies, and after a while he agreed to trade them for something more useful. Great! That's our benchmark of the day.
We moved on, checked out other places, pestered a couple more lengchais and we finally got the grip on what we were looking for.
Some steps ahead, we passed this booth manned by a few abangs who called out for us to check out their stocks. I thought checking out on their deal wasn't any harm. So I walked over and had this interaction with one of them:
Me: Apa spec Dell ni, ek?
Him: Amik Acer la, Acer ni elok gak.
Me: Saya nak tau Dell dulu. Bagi spec Dell ni dulu.
Reluctantly, he listed out his offer by scribbling it on a piece of paper - the price, 320GB hard drive, 1GB RAM, screen size. By now, he had that I-got-you look on his face, smirking as if I knew nuts of what he was saying. Then I asked if that was all for the price. He quickly said something about the OS, and highlighted the 'FOC' softwares that he'd throw in.
When I said that I didn't need the FOC's because I can get them from the net myself, he countered that it's not that easy to download and install them. OK, typical men.
When I asked about the OS, he said "guna pirate je la". By then I had a shocked look. The price he was offering was higher than the lengchais' but at a lower specification. He insisted that I would get the same specification anywhere in the building. It hit me, he thought less of me. I mentioned that his price was high for whatever that he offered, and I thanked him. As I was about to turn around, with the look of disbelief he squeeled "Astaghfirullah al'azeeeeeeeemmm". Another step had him belch "sombong betul!".
By then, I was ready to turn around and give him a piece of my mind. Or give him a middle finger. Or punch him on the face. I did none. I just walked away.
Several more stops at similar abang stalls proved me right. A tudung-clad lady walking around asking for specifications and prices is a technology-bimbo in the eyes of these men.
Which made me upset. Because some naive bunch of girls from the local colleges would definitely fall into the trap. Because these superior-know-it-all kind will definitely strive and live on.
As my sister and I walked towards Ah Meng to final our deal, we both knew that even if we overpay him, it was for his effort, his lip-service and most of all, for respecting us ladies as his customers.
:/
But I'm not referring this to all men, just certain men - the typical (malay) men who have ego the size of Jupiter but ion-sized brains. They think they are the superior-know-it-all and that women are the inferior-you-aint-know-nothing-baby piece of invention God has ever created.
Do you know that there's a daily convention of this male kind on the 3rd floor of Low Yatt Plaza? Yup, there is. I only discovered it by accident today.
My not-so-little-anymore sister decided that she'd get herself a new toy on New Year's day and had asked me to come along. I don't know much, but I do know that I know enough when it comes to comparing specifications.
At our first stop, a Lenovo caught our attention. The lengchai in-charge enthusiatically listed out the specification. No printed brochure, but he was kind enough to write down the details on a piece of blank paper. I haggled on the freebies, and after a while he agreed to trade them for something more useful. Great! That's our benchmark of the day.
We moved on, checked out other places, pestered a couple more lengchais and we finally got the grip on what we were looking for.
Some steps ahead, we passed this booth manned by a few abangs who called out for us to check out their stocks. I thought checking out on their deal wasn't any harm. So I walked over and had this interaction with one of them:
Me: Apa spec Dell ni, ek?
Him: Amik Acer la, Acer ni elok gak.
Me: Saya nak tau Dell dulu. Bagi spec Dell ni dulu.
Reluctantly, he listed out his offer by scribbling it on a piece of paper - the price, 320GB hard drive, 1GB RAM, screen size. By now, he had that I-got-you look on his face, smirking as if I knew nuts of what he was saying. Then I asked if that was all for the price. He quickly said something about the OS, and highlighted the 'FOC' softwares that he'd throw in.
When I said that I didn't need the FOC's because I can get them from the net myself, he countered that it's not that easy to download and install them. OK, typical men.
When I asked about the OS, he said "guna pirate je la". By then I had a shocked look. The price he was offering was higher than the lengchais' but at a lower specification. He insisted that I would get the same specification anywhere in the building. It hit me, he thought less of me. I mentioned that his price was high for whatever that he offered, and I thanked him. As I was about to turn around, with the look of disbelief he squeeled "Astaghfirullah al'azeeeeeeeemmm". Another step had him belch "sombong betul!".
By then, I was ready to turn around and give him a piece of my mind. Or give him a middle finger. Or punch him on the face. I did none. I just walked away.
Several more stops at similar abang stalls proved me right. A tudung-clad lady walking around asking for specifications and prices is a technology-bimbo in the eyes of these men.
Which made me upset. Because some naive bunch of girls from the local colleges would definitely fall into the trap. Because these superior-know-it-all kind will definitely strive and live on.
As my sister and I walked towards Ah Meng to final our deal, we both knew that even if we overpay him, it was for his effort, his lip-service and most of all, for respecting us ladies as his customers.
:/
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Big Book 2009, Dark Room 2010
As the clock ticks away the remaining of 2009, I can't help but feel really sad and empty.
It is like seeing one big book of my life stories closes, stashing away every emotions that overwhelmed me. It makes me feel sad because I know the road ahead is not going to be the same anymore. I will not see the same faces as how I had seen them in that big book. I will not travel the same road every morning as how I would in that big book. I will not feel as safe or as sheltered like when I was in that big book. I probably will not be the same person as I was in that big book.
And when that big book closes, it will never open again.
It was never like this before. Previous 31st Decembers promised the next day would still be similar. That I could expect slight improvements or minor alterations. Whatever that would be, I knew that I would be able to adapt to the new date or the new process. I knew that my emotional being would be able to handle the oncoming hits, because those hits may just be as hard or as subtle as before.
But not this time. This time, 31st December cannot tell me the same. It tells me to be ready but it doesn't say for what. It says the road is not the same but it doesn't say which way. It says I will change, but I am not told in what sense. It's like I am standing in a dark room, not knowing what to expect.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. I scripted it this way because I needed to save me from jumping off a cliff. I had to save myself from the inner and the outer voices. I needed to prove my courage to someone who never fail to find the silliest of reasons to condemn my every action. I had to prove that I mean what I said, and that I have no fear of standing up to my own words.
At the cost of standing in the dark room. Facing uncertainty. All alone. Sad and empty.
It is like seeing one big book of my life stories closes, stashing away every emotions that overwhelmed me. It makes me feel sad because I know the road ahead is not going to be the same anymore. I will not see the same faces as how I had seen them in that big book. I will not travel the same road every morning as how I would in that big book. I will not feel as safe or as sheltered like when I was in that big book. I probably will not be the same person as I was in that big book.
And when that big book closes, it will never open again.
It was never like this before. Previous 31st Decembers promised the next day would still be similar. That I could expect slight improvements or minor alterations. Whatever that would be, I knew that I would be able to adapt to the new date or the new process. I knew that my emotional being would be able to handle the oncoming hits, because those hits may just be as hard or as subtle as before.
But not this time. This time, 31st December cannot tell me the same. It tells me to be ready but it doesn't say for what. It says the road is not the same but it doesn't say which way. It says I will change, but I am not told in what sense. It's like I am standing in a dark room, not knowing what to expect.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. I scripted it this way because I needed to save me from jumping off a cliff. I had to save myself from the inner and the outer voices. I needed to prove my courage to someone who never fail to find the silliest of reasons to condemn my every action. I had to prove that I mean what I said, and that I have no fear of standing up to my own words.
At the cost of standing in the dark room. Facing uncertainty. All alone. Sad and empty.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
As The Day Comes
As the final day approaches, more and more emotions appear. Some appear and disappear right away; some appear and become stronger the next day.
It's like I can go crazy anytime, if I choose to let those emotions take control of me.
Especially the lone drive home. When the body is tired and lose grip of the mind, and the mind just wanders off into all corners of the memories. Faces start flashing across the vision, closely followed by a tinge of unexplainable bittersweet feeling. Sometimes there's a subtle but noticeable pricking feeling that makes me feel empty and lost, knowing that those faces are marked permanently in my history and forever remain a part of me.
I have never spent this long being in an organization. Never had too many emotions tagged to one place; never loved a job more than I can ever explain. It was a place I called home, a place I was comfortable, where I felt belonged and was in place. It was my sanctuary away from life's cynical acts. It was my shelter.
This place saw me grow from one person with confidence she did not know she had to one who knows exactly when to exert it. It allowed my esteem to soar high. On my first day here, I was like an egg - motionless, useless. Over time, the egg hatched into a meaningless larva. And as if the larva had a clock, on one fine day it started webbing, bit by bit, little by little, non-stop and around the clock until its whole body turned into a hard cocoon. Then when the time is just right, not a moment less nor a moment more, the cocoon broke and free a butterfly with its unique colors and patches.
I was that egg. I am now that butterfly.
My unique colors are blotches from those people whom I crossed paths, those who walked along with me, those whose life I touched and touched mine back in return. Each and everyone of them contributed to the colors of my personality.
Along the way, strands upon strands of friendships were made. Some broken along the way due to conflicts and misunderstandings. Some died of natural causes. Some wilted away unattended while some just chose a different path and never turned back. Where one strand ends, the other begins.
But I am lucky to discover many strong strands that provided support and love when I needed some. Those strands became the cushion when I fell, became the ropes that hoisted me up on my feet again. They withstood my temper, my turmoil, my roller coaster rides. They formed a wall so that I can bounce back and be myself again.
Not a day that I forget to remind myself how blessed I have been being here. And I am forever grateful for each and every moment. Not one will I erase no matter how bitter or how painful it was. Not one will I value more than the other, for they all make up the beautiful years I have had here.
To all that I have known the last eight years, I only have these to say:
Thank you for the light when I was in darkness.
Thank you for the guidance when I got lost.
Thank you for the cheer when I was struggling, and the celebration when I made it through.
Thank you for laughters when I was crying, thank you for the lift when you saw me falling.
But most importantly,
Thank you for believing in me when in me, I see nothing.
It's like I can go crazy anytime, if I choose to let those emotions take control of me.
Especially the lone drive home. When the body is tired and lose grip of the mind, and the mind just wanders off into all corners of the memories. Faces start flashing across the vision, closely followed by a tinge of unexplainable bittersweet feeling. Sometimes there's a subtle but noticeable pricking feeling that makes me feel empty and lost, knowing that those faces are marked permanently in my history and forever remain a part of me.
I have never spent this long being in an organization. Never had too many emotions tagged to one place; never loved a job more than I can ever explain. It was a place I called home, a place I was comfortable, where I felt belonged and was in place. It was my sanctuary away from life's cynical acts. It was my shelter.
This place saw me grow from one person with confidence she did not know she had to one who knows exactly when to exert it. It allowed my esteem to soar high. On my first day here, I was like an egg - motionless, useless. Over time, the egg hatched into a meaningless larva. And as if the larva had a clock, on one fine day it started webbing, bit by bit, little by little, non-stop and around the clock until its whole body turned into a hard cocoon. Then when the time is just right, not a moment less nor a moment more, the cocoon broke and free a butterfly with its unique colors and patches.
I was that egg. I am now that butterfly.
My unique colors are blotches from those people whom I crossed paths, those who walked along with me, those whose life I touched and touched mine back in return. Each and everyone of them contributed to the colors of my personality.
Along the way, strands upon strands of friendships were made. Some broken along the way due to conflicts and misunderstandings. Some died of natural causes. Some wilted away unattended while some just chose a different path and never turned back. Where one strand ends, the other begins.
But I am lucky to discover many strong strands that provided support and love when I needed some. Those strands became the cushion when I fell, became the ropes that hoisted me up on my feet again. They withstood my temper, my turmoil, my roller coaster rides. They formed a wall so that I can bounce back and be myself again.
Not a day that I forget to remind myself how blessed I have been being here. And I am forever grateful for each and every moment. Not one will I erase no matter how bitter or how painful it was. Not one will I value more than the other, for they all make up the beautiful years I have had here.
To all that I have known the last eight years, I only have these to say:
Thank you for the light when I was in darkness.
Thank you for the guidance when I got lost.
Thank you for the cheer when I was struggling, and the celebration when I made it through.
Thank you for laughters when I was crying, thank you for the lift when you saw me falling.
But most importantly,
Thank you for believing in me when in me, I see nothing.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
HAH!
Really, I can't even bring myself to think of you without feeling like stranggling you alive.
I keep telling myself that it is because you are as such, is the reason why you are where you are. A person who does not need to use much of the god-given brain. Air-head. Can't even do your own job well but has the knack to make comments on how others do their work.
So what if I wanted to fill up the courier forms myself? So what if I decide I will not 'burden' you because I know you will still make smart-ass comments on me? So what if I am one who wants to finish the work that I start? Bloody hell my choice, isn't it?
It ain't you who pay the remaining of my salary here, lady! And I'm so fucking happy that there will come a day that the first thing I see when I walk into an office is NOT your snorty face.
Please lah, don't pride on the promotion when in reality, people complain on how you answer calls. You ain't professional, woman! You don't do justice to the image of the organization!
But hey, if I tell this to you, you'd CNN the whole world that I think I'm good. You'd be too bitter to even smile at me, probably wishing I'd zapp off that very moment. Well, here's the news, honey, I will not be here any more in a number of days and you can have the floor all to yourself. Go ahead and answer the calls your way, coz I ain't gonna be around to pick up those calls for you with my professionalism. No one's going to compare, coz no one can tell between glass and diamond.
But I ain't gonna bash myself over an air-head like you. I will spend the rest of my days here gracefully, coz I know I will never have to deal with you again.
All the best!
I keep telling myself that it is because you are as such, is the reason why you are where you are. A person who does not need to use much of the god-given brain. Air-head. Can't even do your own job well but has the knack to make comments on how others do their work.
So what if I wanted to fill up the courier forms myself? So what if I decide I will not 'burden' you because I know you will still make smart-ass comments on me? So what if I am one who wants to finish the work that I start? Bloody hell my choice, isn't it?
It ain't you who pay the remaining of my salary here, lady! And I'm so fucking happy that there will come a day that the first thing I see when I walk into an office is NOT your snorty face.
Please lah, don't pride on the promotion when in reality, people complain on how you answer calls. You ain't professional, woman! You don't do justice to the image of the organization!
But hey, if I tell this to you, you'd CNN the whole world that I think I'm good. You'd be too bitter to even smile at me, probably wishing I'd zapp off that very moment. Well, here's the news, honey, I will not be here any more in a number of days and you can have the floor all to yourself. Go ahead and answer the calls your way, coz I ain't gonna be around to pick up those calls for you with my professionalism. No one's going to compare, coz no one can tell between glass and diamond.
But I ain't gonna bash myself over an air-head like you. I will spend the rest of my days here gracefully, coz I know I will never have to deal with you again.
All the best!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Defragmenting the Sanity
It's been a while since I last defraged my emotions. No wonder it's haywire, sometimes making me a walking crazy woman.
Let's see what has been couping up in my mental box that have been messing with my sanity:
1. THE decision. Yes, finally the time to make up my mind on either staying or leaving has come to a final stone. Much emotional wars, SMS fights, name-calling, personality-bashing have occured the past 3 months that have made me decide to stop at least 50% of the torture by torturing myself another 80% more. At least I keep some mouths shut over the decision, and hopefully by keeping them shut, I become the happy me again.
2. Deciding subject #2. THE decision has actually made me think and rethink the life that I have been facing over the decade. If I can make up my mind on subject #1, I know I am able to decide on subject #2. After all, I am sure that I will not die despite whatever decision that I make. Having been in this situation for a decade does not make me a specialist nor it makes me a preacher of the subject matter. All it does me is deeper insanity and tougher personality.
3. The void. The void has become bigger and bigger and provoked a lot of questions in my head that I cannot answer. Much of the void was caused by subject #2.
4. Freedom of speech over in the virtual world vs. Noone in the virtual world takes me too seriously. When I regained my freedom of speech last week, I realized I have no one who'd take me seriously other than the one who gave me freedom. Guess it's a freedom gone to waste.
OK, that's about 30% of the defragmentation needed by my mental state of mind. The remaining 70% will take its process as the days go by. At least I got the ball rolling... :P
Let's see what has been couping up in my mental box that have been messing with my sanity:
1. THE decision. Yes, finally the time to make up my mind on either staying or leaving has come to a final stone. Much emotional wars, SMS fights, name-calling, personality-bashing have occured the past 3 months that have made me decide to stop at least 50% of the torture by torturing myself another 80% more. At least I keep some mouths shut over the decision, and hopefully by keeping them shut, I become the happy me again.
2. Deciding subject #2. THE decision has actually made me think and rethink the life that I have been facing over the decade. If I can make up my mind on subject #1, I know I am able to decide on subject #2. After all, I am sure that I will not die despite whatever decision that I make. Having been in this situation for a decade does not make me a specialist nor it makes me a preacher of the subject matter. All it does me is deeper insanity and tougher personality.
3. The void. The void has become bigger and bigger and provoked a lot of questions in my head that I cannot answer. Much of the void was caused by subject #2.
4. Freedom of speech over in the virtual world vs. Noone in the virtual world takes me too seriously. When I regained my freedom of speech last week, I realized I have no one who'd take me seriously other than the one who gave me freedom. Guess it's a freedom gone to waste.
OK, that's about 30% of the defragmentation needed by my mental state of mind. The remaining 70% will take its process as the days go by. At least I got the ball rolling... :P
Monday, November 9, 2009
Letting Go...
A close friend of mine was having a difficult time to move on into a new relationship. She was reminded of her previous love every time the new guy called her or texted her.
As much as I push her to forget the past, I know for a fact that it is not easy. It is always easier said than done to move on, to forget, to forgive or to just let go. It is easier to tell someone to erase some fond memories of flings, but harder to do it yourself. It is hard to forgive, to not remember the pain people caused you, to not associate a certain smell to a certain heartache. It simple to just blank out your mind than to forget beautiful conversations at a specific place with a specific special someone .
Simply put, it is not easy to let go.
Of anything.
Anger, pain, love, longing, emptiness, loneliness, everything.
Because you are constantly reminded of sweet events when your are lonely. Because you are sure to remember things that made you happy and full. Because you, simply put, can't yet let go.
And when you are just not letting go, you are carrying with you that emotional burden that is just too heavy to lug around. It tires your mind; it heavies your soul. And it stops you from moving on, because you keep wishing that you were still in that situation where happiness is all you knew.
It's as much a matter of the heart as it is of the mind.
Sometimes you think that you have moved on, but one day a hard brick hit you hard and you realize you have not. The feeling is very much still strong in your heart. For all you know, you have been living in denial. That you have moved on. When in reality you are still stuck at number 1.
Sometimes I'd say it's OK not to let go. Just as long as you still try to take baby steps. I'd say don't forget the beautiful memories you had then, and keep trying to make new ones. No one can replace those wonderful moments there were; no one can take that away from us. But I also know, that those beautiful memories would drag you into melancholic moods too deep to even reach out for help.
So sometimes, I too get confused - to let go or not to let go.
Trust me, I know.
P/S: And it's not about work...
As much as I push her to forget the past, I know for a fact that it is not easy. It is always easier said than done to move on, to forget, to forgive or to just let go. It is easier to tell someone to erase some fond memories of flings, but harder to do it yourself. It is hard to forgive, to not remember the pain people caused you, to not associate a certain smell to a certain heartache. It simple to just blank out your mind than to forget beautiful conversations at a specific place with a specific special someone .
Simply put, it is not easy to let go.
Of anything.
Anger, pain, love, longing, emptiness, loneliness, everything.
Because you are constantly reminded of sweet events when your are lonely. Because you are sure to remember things that made you happy and full. Because you, simply put, can't yet let go.
And when you are just not letting go, you are carrying with you that emotional burden that is just too heavy to lug around. It tires your mind; it heavies your soul. And it stops you from moving on, because you keep wishing that you were still in that situation where happiness is all you knew.
It's as much a matter of the heart as it is of the mind.
Sometimes you think that you have moved on, but one day a hard brick hit you hard and you realize you have not. The feeling is very much still strong in your heart. For all you know, you have been living in denial. That you have moved on. When in reality you are still stuck at number 1.
Sometimes I'd say it's OK not to let go. Just as long as you still try to take baby steps. I'd say don't forget the beautiful memories you had then, and keep trying to make new ones. No one can replace those wonderful moments there were; no one can take that away from us. But I also know, that those beautiful memories would drag you into melancholic moods too deep to even reach out for help.
So sometimes, I too get confused - to let go or not to let go.
Trust me, I know.
P/S: And it's not about work...
Monday, November 2, 2009
I Miss Me...
I miss being that confident person who thinks she can deceive people that she's happy.
I miss being that person who has waves of emotions sweeping over her.
I miss being that person who pretends that she can handle everything in life.
I miss being that person who despite having tonnes of negativities, can still be positive when she needs to.
I miss being that person who always have something to look forward to in life.
I miss being that woman who thinks she can seduce a man with a wink.
I miss being that girl who loves to play naughty and giggle at the slightest of humor.
I miss being that someone who will throw smiles at strangers.
I miss being that girl who loves life.
I miss being that capable, strong, independent woman.
I miss being me.
I miss being that person who has waves of emotions sweeping over her.
I miss being that person who pretends that she can handle everything in life.
I miss being that person who despite having tonnes of negativities, can still be positive when she needs to.
I miss being that person who always have something to look forward to in life.
I miss being that woman who thinks she can seduce a man with a wink.
I miss being that girl who loves to play naughty and giggle at the slightest of humor.
I miss being that someone who will throw smiles at strangers.
I miss being that girl who loves life.
I miss being that capable, strong, independent woman.
I miss being me.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Paradigm Paralyzed
When I got that piece of paper saying that I had to go for a training, I wasn't excited. The name bores me even before me attending it - "Cross Functional Mapping Workshop".
What is that? I asked for project management training and this is what I got?
Blaaahhh...
What made me even heavier to attend the training was that I was instructed to take up a new post, and I was battling with myself to accept that change. And I was battling with myself that the training will not do me any good, being me in that new post and all.
As the week approached, I was finding reasons not to go.
But I went anyway.
Training was smooth, I was always looking forward to coffee and tea breaks. Day one went real quick and I expected day two to be the same.
Training spoke of things I can apply back in the office - but being one who was in a battle to accept the new change, I wasn't too bothered.
Until...
Towards the end of the second (also the last) day, the instructor played a video by Joel Barker - the man who made famous the idea on paradigm. The video caught my attention from the very beginning. He spoke of how we all need changes, how we all need to adapt quickly to changes, that changes come whether we want it or not.
I felt like I was slapped on the face. Hey, he wasn't talking about an organization; he was talking about ME! I was the one going through this change, and I was resisting it emotionally and mentally. Just because I fear of the connation the title brings, and fear that I would not grow in my career from here onwards.
I had tonnes and tonnes of unjustifiable fears that no one could help answer. I was resisting the change causing me to lose control over my emotional being.
Then, Joel Baker, who had not stopped slapping me on my face since the beginning of the video, spanked me again with the term "paradigm paralysis" - the inability or refusal to see beyond the current models of thinking.
Like I was taken out of a tunnel, the light suddenly hit my eyes. My nerves stopped firing for the longest time, my heart stopped pumping. The only thing I could hear at that moment was: "Dang! That's ME!!"
And so I became the 'paradigm invalid'. Bedridden too long in the previous state of mind that I was unable to accept changes or new ideas. I was paralyzed the moment I was thrown a new notion.
But I pray that I don't stay as a paradigm-paralyzed individual for long. It consumes too much of my mental state of being...
:)
What is that? I asked for project management training and this is what I got?
Blaaahhh...
What made me even heavier to attend the training was that I was instructed to take up a new post, and I was battling with myself to accept that change. And I was battling with myself that the training will not do me any good, being me in that new post and all.
As the week approached, I was finding reasons not to go.
But I went anyway.
Training was smooth, I was always looking forward to coffee and tea breaks. Day one went real quick and I expected day two to be the same.
Training spoke of things I can apply back in the office - but being one who was in a battle to accept the new change, I wasn't too bothered.
Until...
Towards the end of the second (also the last) day, the instructor played a video by Joel Barker - the man who made famous the idea on paradigm. The video caught my attention from the very beginning. He spoke of how we all need changes, how we all need to adapt quickly to changes, that changes come whether we want it or not.
I felt like I was slapped on the face. Hey, he wasn't talking about an organization; he was talking about ME! I was the one going through this change, and I was resisting it emotionally and mentally. Just because I fear of the connation the title brings, and fear that I would not grow in my career from here onwards.
I had tonnes and tonnes of unjustifiable fears that no one could help answer. I was resisting the change causing me to lose control over my emotional being.
Then, Joel Baker, who had not stopped slapping me on my face since the beginning of the video, spanked me again with the term "paradigm paralysis" - the inability or refusal to see beyond the current models of thinking.
Like I was taken out of a tunnel, the light suddenly hit my eyes. My nerves stopped firing for the longest time, my heart stopped pumping. The only thing I could hear at that moment was: "Dang! That's ME!!"
And so I became the 'paradigm invalid'. Bedridden too long in the previous state of mind that I was unable to accept changes or new ideas. I was paralyzed the moment I was thrown a new notion.
But I pray that I don't stay as a paradigm-paralyzed individual for long. It consumes too much of my mental state of being...
:)
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