In Pursuit of Happyness

Some time back in 2007, Will Smith produced a movie called "In Pursuit of Happyness". (The misspelling was intentional in the movie title - it was how the main character's son spelt it in the movie.)

The movie was about one man's hardship after his wife left him. Left with a young son, the man tried to make the best of what he had, but he could hardly make ends meet. When they got evicted from their home, they slept in shelters with other homeless. When they had no luck and all the shelters were full, they had to sleep in toilets and wake up early the next day so that no one saw them sleeping there.

The movie portrayed a father's determination to give a form of happiness to his child when he himself was at times overwhelmed by self-pity, sadness and helplessness. It was a very emotional movie. It made me cry.

So I ask what is happiness? How does it look like? How does it feel? Many say that happiness is within us. Some say happiness is all around us. Others would say happiness is subjective to each and every one of us.

But none would explain how to tell the existence of happiness. Is it in a smile? (I can fake a happy smile.) Is it in the voice? (I can perk up in an instant and no one can tell that I am not happy.) Is it in the face? Is it in the voice? No one can tell.

How does happiness look like? In what form does it come to us? Does it look like a train? A tree? Is it green? Or is it blue? Or is it as beautiful as the rainbow after an evening rain? Does it come in the form of paper money? Luxury cars? Maybe mansions?

How long does happiness last? Does it last forever? Or is it for a while? When you feel sad in between happiness, does it mean you're not totally happy? I wonder.

Where does happiness reside? In the heart? Nonsense. A heart is just an organ pumping blood thru the body. But why does it feel good in the chest after a laugh with friends or after a deep long kiss with the love of your life? Does happiness lodge in the brain? But the brain certainly doesn't feel any lighter when given the keys to your dream car. It feels blank, yes. But not lighter.

Where can we find happiness? But how can we tell it's happiness when we don't know what it is, how it looks like or in what form it exists?

Is it possible that we are staring happiness right in the eye and yet not knowing that it's it?

*sigh*

Makes me feel sad not knowing what happiness is. I know sadness tho - it feels like thousands of tiny invisible needles pricking the inner mass of the chest. It hurts so much that sometimes you can hear your heartbeat skip to bear the pain. Sometimes, the inner chest feels tugged and pulled like a child tugging the end of your dress. And there are times when the tugging is so strong, it mimics a sharp knife stabbing swiftly right thru the chest. Simultaneous with the stab, the eyes feel like they are stamped with hot irons and tears immediately and uncontrollably well up and eventually fall on the cheeks.

And the whole body feels lifeless, helpless and heavy.

Sometimes sadness will fade away after a good long sob. Sometimes it lingers around for days, at times months, and if you're lucky - years.

And you will know when sadness hit you. It's like walking thru a dark cloud; you'll suffocate and choke the instant you breathe sadness in.

Sadness doesn't have any shape; it's not visible to men nor women. It moves like the breeze of the ocean: soft, silky and smooth.

I too know where sadness resides. It's present address is everywhere in the past - every corner, every milestone, every memory that is etched in your memory box. It lurks around pictures, scents and sights. It loves hospitals, cars, previous houses you stayed in, everything. Sometimes sadness feels cheeky and become the shadow of someone you love, following that someone and causing his/her presence turn you all heavy and hurtful.

And I too know that sadness has its allies - anger, resentment, despise, hatred. Most times they work subtly and unnoticeably alongside sadness. But mostly, sadness works alone. Only that it hurts even more with the presence of fantastic 4.

Wonder why I can describe sadness in such detail.

Maybe it's time I pursue happiness...