Fasting, Respect and Me

Today I fast - I fast from my anger, from allowing it to take control of me. As much as I want to succumb to its raging fire, I also want to see the outcome of me trying to be patient. But I can tell you this much, it's just as tiring as fasting in Ramadhan.

I am a person who speaks my mind. I don't really care whose toes I step on. I don't like it, I say it. I like it, I mean it. And when my pride is hurt, I yell.

But in a typical Malay environment, a person like me is not welcomed. Malays generally do not welcome criticism especially those that address their personalities, their actions, their likings. I admit somewhat I am a Malay, being that I take a few moments to fully accept critics. From the moment of criticism to the point of full acceptance, the one thing that I mainly deal is the feeling of flushes on my cheeks. When the warmth subsides, I know I'm composed enough to either rebut or to acknowledge the comments. I'm trying to be different, trying to be a non-typical typical Malay.

I also do not suck up, kiss-ass or throw unintended praises.

Again, my positive attitude is a no-no for the Malays. If you don't suck up, you don't get to go up. If you don't agree, you don't get to see that extra bonus in your payslip. It sucks BIG time!

But what frustrates me most is that the leader of the suck-up pact is the newly appointed second highest person in the organization. A man so desperate to get votes (I never know I starred in American Idol all these while...) he'd stop at nothing. He'd come up with the wierdest of reasons for not approving a sports event - when in actual fact, I'd say to win support and to get to know your subordinates is from minggling with them outside of the office hours. These would be the time when true personalities come out. He'd give a mind-boggling reason for not approving anything - like, the PM training I requested for myself is "too deep" for me! Maybe I should request for a clerical training instead????

OK... OK... I admit. That's what the whole anger is about... My training was labelled as "too deep" for me. Like, duuhhhh!!! He must think that taking MBA classes put him levels higher than the rest of us! The thing here is class, man! If you ain't got class, you ain't got it at all! Huh, there goes... in split second my intonation changes.

Taking deep breath now... Cooling down... I'm fasting... from my anger...

So here I am, swallowing my pride and keeping quiet. He can think I'm shallow - he who thinks others are shallow is shallower than the shallowest stream. He can think I'm obliging - he will see a master rebel in the making. He can downgrade, humiliate, underestimate. But he can never get one thing from me ever - R.E.S.P.E.C.T. (even if I am the shallowest, tiniest, most insignificant being on earth).

"Too deep"... asshole...

(susah betul nak sabar ni....)