Happy Mother's Day!

Did I tell you that I grew up rebellious?

Well, actually in my standard, I was. Until I discovered what other rebellious activities kids my age then had been doing. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, I was always one who wasn't very happy with my mom. She had been a full time housewife and was able to monitor me 24/7. Unlike most girls in my class then, I was to come home on time and had difficult times convincing her that I had to stay back for extra-curricular activities in school. Yes, they really were extra-curricular activities! Boys were out of reach for me then. Since I only preferred boys from one particular school, my controlled social life didn't help much in knowing boys other than those I got to meet during Interact Club installations. :P

When I got into college, it was a new-found freedom. I managed to escape nags, only to get some when I come back for holidays. Still I wanted to stay away from my mom as much as possible; I felt like I was always picked on by her (but there was only 2 of us, so it was either my sister or me....).

More freedom soon after.Life in the States cum getting married albeit a very young age. My mom was a distant figure I still wanted to run away from.

Came back to motherland, started my own family and became a mother myself. Still had that love-hate relationship with her. Probably it wasn't a one-sided feeling. I now think she too had a difficult time dealing with a daughter gone too soon.

But the whole love-hate relationship changed in 2001. And that fateful day is etched on my memory like ancient paintings on old cave walls.

It was Sofya's funeral. I remember my mom was sitting on the stairs of my grandmother's split level kampung house. She had tears in her eyes. When she felt my presence, she looked up and said "Sampai hati tak bagitau Sofya dah tak de." At that moment I realized, that my mom had been sharing my burden of pain without me even knowing it. She was feeling my pain, when I thought I was all alone. She suffered, because I, her daughter, was suffering. Then, and only then, I realized, that my mom loves me.

It took me to lose a child to realize that my mother has all the love for me. It took me pain upon pain to understand that no matter how far I ran or how much I tried to disassociate myself from her, she will always be my mother. It doesn't matter how much pain I caused her, or how much anger I created, she'll always be the one woman who'd be by my side supporting me without even me having to ask. It doesn't matter how many tears have fallen on her cheeks just because I hurt her by not being home often enough, or how lonely she feels because her granddaughters weren't around long enough, she'll always be the one ever willing to take me in suitcases and all.

But it's a pity that through all these, I still am not able to tell her how much I love her or how much I need her to be around through the thins of my life. It's sad that I don't feel my gestures come out loving enough, or that I've been around enough, to tell her that she has been the one person who contributed most to who I am today.

She has been my rock, well, half-rock (but I'll talk of the other half rock on Father's Day. :D)

I wish it was easier for me to say this in person - I love you, Ma! Thank you for being there for me through the worst times of my life, for praying for me and having faith in me when I have no faith left in myself. Thank you for being the stubborn person that you are, because I think I am just as hard-headed and being hard-headed has made me a stronger person to endure all kinds of weather. Thank you for being silent when silence is the best piece of advice you can give me. Thank you for nagging me even when I thought being 30-something would elude me from feeling like a kid being scolded. Thank you for waking me up every schooling day, for I can never wish for any other voice to wake up to in the darkest hour. Thank you, Ma, for just being there...

I so love you...

Happy Mother's Day...

:'(