What's in My Head

Probably you wonder what have been going on in my head with all the Facebook statuses.

Probably by the time you read this, those turmoil I have would either be inflated or deflated, all formalized by a piece of signed paper.

You see, in times when I contemplate to move to a new pasture, I was offered, or rather, instructed to fill in a new post. It has been almost 3 weeks that I toyed with the idea, despite knowing that it is irreversible. Like I can do anything much, anyway. :P

What I fear most is not knowing what size of shoes I have to fill. It feels like I am venturing into a dark tunnel, all alone and blinded to all debris and whatnots there'd be on its ground. It's tough enough that I have been venturing this journey alone; now that it's pitch dark and no hands to guide me, I know I am bound to falls and knocks and bruises and oh-oh's.

I know, however, my communication instruments will not fail me. These could probably save me at the end of the tunnel. But what if there's no signal and I can't reach out for help? Do I halt my journey and pray help would fall from the ceiling?

Being here for too long, I know I'd hear voices from a far distance. Voices that are not encouraging, persuading me to give up and join them. Voices that smirk when I cry; clapping their invisible hands when I fall. And knowing that I will be alone, I will have to wipe my own tears and nurse my bruise. Do I have the strength to bear these? Yes, I know that I have been strong in my path but how do I know I can hold on for much longer? In life, whether we want it or not, when pain hits us, we still have to breathe and live. We can't end our life by clicking the Save button like in a computer game, and continue from that point onwards whenever we feel like it. We fall, we get hurt, we cry, we get up, we learn and we move on.

But somehow, I feel it's different with work. We fall, we get hurt, we cry and we contemplate whether it's worth the hurt to move on the same path again or bail out. Bailing out is always an option. But bailing out, to me, is a way of giving up. And bailing out, to me is a sign of weakness - something my ego can never agree with. I can never justify to myself that bailing out even after being battered is the way to go. Although I do feel stupid staying on.

So that's my fear.

But I also know that there'd be occasional voices that would give positive charges to my dwindling energy. Those that would cheer me on for me to get to the end of the very long tunnel. I know they'd be very faint and I'd have to pay extra attention to them, knowing that it will take yonks for me to hear them again. I will have to use these positive charges sparingly, like pawning the last of my prized jewelry.

And now you know. Why emotions swamped me the last week or so.

My fear. But I read somewhere that fear actually stands for False Evidences Appearing Real... Wonder how if that applies in my case.

:)