Big Book 2009, Dark Room 2010

As the clock ticks away the remaining of 2009, I can't help but feel really sad and empty.

It is like seeing one big book of my life stories closes, stashing away every emotions that overwhelmed me. It makes me feel sad because I know the road ahead is not going to be the same anymore. I will not see the same faces as how I had seen them in that big book. I will not travel the same road every morning as how I would in that big book. I will not feel as safe or as sheltered like when I was in that big book. I probably will not be the same person as I was in that big book.

And when that big book closes, it will never open again.

It was never like this before. Previous 31st Decembers promised the next day would still be similar. That I could expect slight improvements or minor alterations. Whatever that would be, I knew that I would be able to adapt to the new date or the new process. I knew that my emotional being would be able to handle the oncoming hits, because those hits may just be as hard or as subtle as before.

But not this time. This time, 31st December cannot tell me the same. It tells me to be ready but it doesn't say for what. It says the road is not the same but it doesn't say which way. It says I will change, but I am not told in what sense. It's like I am standing in a dark room, not knowing what to expect.

I have no one to blame for this but myself. I scripted it this way because I needed to save me from jumping off a cliff. I had to save myself from the inner and the outer voices. I needed to prove my courage to someone who never fail to find the silliest of reasons to condemn my every action. I had to prove that I mean what I said, and that I have no fear of standing up to my own words.

At the cost of standing in the dark room. Facing uncertainty. All alone. Sad and empty.