I Am With Emotions

I feel compelled to share with you this feelings. Hopefully once I got it out, I am able to come to terms with it.

Every time I listen to Mariah Carey's Bye Bye, I can't help but think of one person - my late mother-in-law. Every time it gets to the chorus, I would choke back and my eyes would water.

The chorus goes like this:

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

Miss you but I try not to cry

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I'd give the world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

But it's like you're gone too soon

Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

I was not that close to her. As a matter of fact, there were a lot of things that happened between her and me that shouldn't have happened. But a human is a human, and a human is not all bad or all good. A human has a mixture of everything, and it also depends on how we look at them.

I had my fair share of sharing grievances with her, fair share of laughter, fair share of love and emotions.

Until now, I can't shed the images of her smiling when she hugged Schera the day before she passed on. Until now, I can still hear her saying "Datang lah lagi" when I salam her and kissed her forehead the day before she went on. I still remember her laughing and smiling with her friends that Sunday when we crowded the house to see her. I remember detailing her small body, looking all frail and tired and fragile, yet she braved a smile everytime people spoke to her. And the next day I saw her all cold and still, and I felt like screaming and telling her to wake up. I felt like screaming and telling her to stop kidding around and make her grandchildren happy... But she was all cold... and still.

Despite our differences, I couldn't help but feel affected when she went away. After all, I had known her for 13 years - had seen her smile, had heard her voice, had smell her scent. Had her staying in my house and she had me stay in hers. Through the small window that we had, we shared, we emphatized, we felt... after all, we were women.

"Mama, my prayers are with you. I will never forget you. I wish I can see your smile again..."