The Darkest Hour is Just Before The Dawn...

It's October and for the last few days, I have been looking back and reflecting on things that have been happening in my life.

Too many things. Most of them involved if not emotional, financial. A pessimist me would describe the first 7 months of 2010 as the worst days of my life. A negative me would label it as the time when the whole world crumbled down, hit me, hurt me, bruised me and not one piece escaped me. It was like hailstorm day and night.

I have to admit that there were many times then that I regretted my decision to leave the job that I loved, the job that I toiled for and the one thing that gave me some sense of belonging and independence. I would beat myself up with blames, often feeling that life had no meaning any more. The blaming got worse every time the phone rang and I just knew that it was from the banks pushing for lapse instalments and payments. The emotions were sometimes unbearable. When they were, I would wheedle myself that everything would one day be fine again.

Life was for me at that moment bleak, sullen, mournful, resentful. Time and again, I would console myself that things happen for a reason. But more often than not, I would question back if there was any reason for my own doings. It was my decision and I had to pay for it. It came to a point that I found it dreadful to meet up with ex-colleagues, shy-ed away from even a note of 'Hi' from friends. Despite trying to appear happy, I was dragged deeper into my own black hole.

It was in early June that I really gasp for air. I was drained emotionally. I was strained financially. I finally became the bitter woman some claimed I was some years ago. Nothing helped, not even the solace of brisk walking for close to 5 kms everyday nor the lone time praying and talking to Him from the top of Melawati hill. During those bleak days, I thought that was how life would be for me for the rest of my breathing days.

Then, as how those old saying goes "the darkest hour is just before the dawn", things started to pick up slowly but surely. I finally signed my first employment offer letter in 9 years. 2 weeks after that, another offer popped up. The darkness broke and I started to see light. Very dim, but there was light nonetheless.

It was not until the last weeks or so that I realized, that really, everything did happen for a reason.

I did not realize then, that the 6 months I was down and out, was the 6 months that had me live my potential. Without me realizing, trying to keep my sanity had me do things that I wanted to but had no time to commit because I had to keep a full-time job and trying to please everyone but myself.

I did not realize that in the last 6 months, I have achieved more than I ever had in 35 years!

It was during those bleak days when my first writing was printed in one of the national daily. It may be my one and only, but at least I had a one. I realized that it was the best gift I could ever give ayah, and now the only piece that I have is framed and hanged on his wall. I can never forget for the rest of my life, how speechless he was when I showed him the piece, and how he tried to hide his croaking voice after he read it.

It was during those sullen moments when I volunteered for one running event which lead me to another, that lead me to another and another. Now, I have a permanent voluntary role with one of the organizers, and I am not doing it for the monetary reward but for the fun and satisfaction that nothing else gives.

It was during those mournful hours that I was offered a shot at television commercial acting. For one day in my life, I experienced being a 'star'. It may never come again the next 36 years, but at least it came once and it came at the right time. It came at the time I needed a picker-upper and an esteem booster. And nothing beats seeing my girls laughing happily every time they see me on tv. :)

But the blessing of all blessings that I have overlooked the last many months was, that it was during those resentful days, a kind heart of a beautiful friend held my hand and showed me that I have gone too far astray and lead me back to Him. That kind heart showed me that despite anything and everything, I still have Him to turn to and that I should never give up on Him. Through a 3-day training, I put aside my resentment, my anger, my sadness, my bitterness to realize that I have neglected my faith since the day Sofya passed away.

Now time and time again, I reminded myself that I have been blessed, that my decision to quit the job that I thought I loved was for a reason, that everything that happened during those bleak, sullen, mournful and resentful time of my life was for a reason. Everything, every one of them. Every one.

Little that I know that I would again hand in a resignation letter, just after 2 months of signing the acceptance. Although I was enjoying the new job, I could not find it in me to be passionate about it. Although I made new friends and acquaintances, I longed to be myself again and doing things that I know best. I was the old dog that couldn't be taught new tricks.

But this time, I remember to count my blessings.

And I really have been blessed.

The part time job that I took up since have never seen enough of me. I have never been this worked up before; I have never felt that I needed more than my 2 hands can deliver. And once again, I feel the sense of satisfaction I thought I lost. And as though blessings can never stop coming, the job offer that I was dreaming for came a moment sooner than I expected. It was like a reward when I have been enjoying rewards. It was like rays of sun when I am already enjoying the rainbow.

And only now I know, after seeing how beautiful is the rainbow and how magnificent is the ray, the reason that I was put through the heavy hailstorm. And why the darkest hour is just before the dawn...

:)

A Conversation with a 6-year old

Me: Esok Ya cakaplah kat Teacher Ayu 'Teacher Ayu, semalam saya tak datang sebab saya bangun lambat.'

Ya: Taaakkk... Ya cakap camni 'Teacher Ayu, semalam saya tak datang sebab mak saya tak bangunkan saya.'

Me: *Eyeballs rolling*