I was stuck on the highway leading to KL-Seremban highway last Saturday. The cars were bumper to bumper, but I wasn't complaining. I was enjoying the drive, enjoying the songs on Red fm, humming and occasionally singing to the tunes.
Then I heard the siren of an ambulance.
From far the other side of the road, the ambulance was coming closer. As it passed me, I was stumped. It said "Az-Zahrah" on the side panel. My heart fell. Oh, they have their own ambulance now. And I was suddenly brought to the day of 23rd May 1999, in a flash.
It was the day when Siti Ainin Sofya was delivered. She came out blue. The obstetrician couldn't find her heartbeat, she found murmurs instead. She franically suctioned some phlegm from the frail baby. No go... couldn't do any good.
"Get an ambulance" she said softly but firmly to her staff. "Ambulance?" The doctor did not reply. "You stay here, take some rest. We'll make sure your baby is ok."
They owned no ambulance then. They had to call one of the privately owned. And they couldn't find a place in nearby hospitals. They had to take her to University Hospital in Petaling Jaya.
Siti Ainin Sofya was diagnosed with one of the rarest disease in Malaysia. It was myopathy - the laziness of the muscle I was explained years later. Her muscles weren't functioning as they were supposed to. They were lazy to function, too lazy to respond to the firing of the nerves. The only thing that weren't lazy were her beautiful eyes. They responded to calls of her name. She knew it was her name.
Siti Ainin Sofya saw my tears every time I went to see her. It hurt to see your baby poked by needles upon needles. It hurt to see her tubed down her small tiny nose. It hurt to see traces of dry blood on the apparatus around her. It hurt too much not to cry. It hurt to see her beautiful big eyes looking as if asking for help, as she laid there still and helpless.
That was the time when it also hurt to hear the siren of an ambulance from afar. It hurt to be reminded of a beautiful child long gone succumbed to the rarity of her illness.
But after some time, I learnt to put the hurt away, locked, so that I can move on. So that I can stop crying. After some time, the pain no longer there.
But that day, that Saturday, when I heard the siren and I saw the name of the private clinic where I delivered Siti Ainin Sofya, I was reminded of the pain. And my heart fell, and broke, and I felt like crying.
I must have been in denial. I think the pain was never locked up. I was just denying its existance in me.
I must have...
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Success
I heard this on Red fm the other day. I found it to be very, very, very interesting. I may not be able to remember it word for word but I'll try and put as beautiful as how I heard it.
"A successful person is one who is not afraid of failing. As a matter of fact, a successful person's life is full of failures.
A successful person loves to fail because he knows that he will gain new experiences from falling and hurting himself.
Success is not measured by what one has achieved in life, but by what one has to go through in order to get to that achievement."
I believe I didn't put it as well. How I wish I can share the good feeling where I first heard it.
"A successful person is one who is not afraid of failing. As a matter of fact, a successful person's life is full of failures.
A successful person loves to fail because he knows that he will gain new experiences from falling and hurting himself.
Success is not measured by what one has achieved in life, but by what one has to go through in order to get to that achievement."
I believe I didn't put it as well. How I wish I can share the good feeling where I first heard it.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Me and Old Men
One picture in The Star's 2nd page today really made me down. It was a sight of an old man, all ready to go for his hajj, slugged in front of bags. It was taken at the Suvarnabhumi Airport amidst the turmoil that has been going on the past days.
See, I have this weakness for old men.... No... not that kind of fetish, you pervert! Just a weakness to love and be nice and to show concern to men of old age. I've had it since I can remember. I think it's because I love my grandfather so much, and when he was gone, I extended it to any old men I see on the road.
It's a feeling of love, of wanting to make sure that they are OK. It's really difficult to explain.
One night, the hubby had to take a very late bus to Hadyai. So we drove by Pudu and parked at a spot where I usually park when I drop him or pick him up. It was about 12:30 am. There was this guy, dressed in a white neat baju melayu, with a white skullcap standing there like he was waiting for someone. The hubby and I sat in the car, chatted. I couldn't help but steal some glances at the old man trying to read his feelings and emotions. Was it his first time being in KL? Who was he waiting for? Is he waiting for his daughter? Oh, I'll never let my father wait for me. He seemed like he had been standing there forever. There was a look of restlessness on his face. But also a mixture of patience.
He kept looking at each car that slowed pass him. Didn't seem that he knew who was picking him up, or the kind of car the person drives. That even broke my heart.
When hubby had to go to his bus, I opted to wait. Not because I wanted to make sure he got on the bus safely, but I felt obligated to wait with this old man for his ride to wherever. He waited, and I waited. He pulled out a small mobile from his breast pocket and checked on the time numerous times. He tilted the phone towards the streetlight. Then he put back the mobile in his breast pocket. It was 1:30 am. I couldn't help but feeling a little sad for him. It had started to drizzle a little, but he stood there never moved an inch. I felt like crying.
Hubby's bus parked within the sight of the car. He must have thought I was waiting for him. Poor guy... I was waiting on a stranger.
Slightly after 1:35 am, the bus decided it was time to go. As it slowly picked up speed from gear 1 to gear 2, a small pick-up truck stopped to pick up the old man. It was like planned. The bus moved, the old man went. And there I was in the car, in the drizzle, feeling all lost and empty for the 2 men who were in my life that past hour had just move on their own way....
*sigh*
See, I have this weakness for old men.... No... not that kind of fetish, you pervert! Just a weakness to love and be nice and to show concern to men of old age. I've had it since I can remember. I think it's because I love my grandfather so much, and when he was gone, I extended it to any old men I see on the road.
It's a feeling of love, of wanting to make sure that they are OK. It's really difficult to explain.
One night, the hubby had to take a very late bus to Hadyai. So we drove by Pudu and parked at a spot where I usually park when I drop him or pick him up. It was about 12:30 am. There was this guy, dressed in a white neat baju melayu, with a white skullcap standing there like he was waiting for someone. The hubby and I sat in the car, chatted. I couldn't help but steal some glances at the old man trying to read his feelings and emotions. Was it his first time being in KL? Who was he waiting for? Is he waiting for his daughter? Oh, I'll never let my father wait for me. He seemed like he had been standing there forever. There was a look of restlessness on his face. But also a mixture of patience.
He kept looking at each car that slowed pass him. Didn't seem that he knew who was picking him up, or the kind of car the person drives. That even broke my heart.
When hubby had to go to his bus, I opted to wait. Not because I wanted to make sure he got on the bus safely, but I felt obligated to wait with this old man for his ride to wherever. He waited, and I waited. He pulled out a small mobile from his breast pocket and checked on the time numerous times. He tilted the phone towards the streetlight. Then he put back the mobile in his breast pocket. It was 1:30 am. I couldn't help but feeling a little sad for him. It had started to drizzle a little, but he stood there never moved an inch. I felt like crying.
Hubby's bus parked within the sight of the car. He must have thought I was waiting for him. Poor guy... I was waiting on a stranger.
Slightly after 1:35 am, the bus decided it was time to go. As it slowly picked up speed from gear 1 to gear 2, a small pick-up truck stopped to pick up the old man. It was like planned. The bus moved, the old man went. And there I was in the car, in the drizzle, feeling all lost and empty for the 2 men who were in my life that past hour had just move on their own way....
*sigh*
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
SUV, CUV and MPV
About 5 years ago, I begun this obsession for SUVs. I'd drool at the sight of Harriers, Lexus(es) and XC 90s. Over the years, the choices broaden - there'd be Porche Cayenne, Nissan Murano, BMW X5, Mazda CX-9 and their predecessor series... oh, the whole bunch. And I'd still drool... and I'd still turn my head... ahhh... the beauty.
Mercedez Benz has never been in my choice but ML350... urgh, to die for!
So what's with the obsession of SUVs and CUVs?
Interestingly, I happen to watch this documentary on Discovery Channel over the weekend and it talked about the revolution of SUVs in the States. It was Jeep that started the whole she-bang. They came up with a model that was a total remake of the Jeep that they used during WW1. They never thought that the model would be a hit. They needed to sell 10,000 units a month for the period of 5 years in order to break even. But the first month the new model came out, they sold 60,000 units! Beyond expectation!
The automobile analysts were baffled with the outcome. They wondered why the Americans loved the SUVs. Analysis confirmed that the male Americans loved the feeling of being powerful and in control when on the roads, while the female counterparts associated SUVs with their need to be independent while being able to provide for the needs of their family.
Aaaaahhh.... guess that's why I love SUVs!
I want to be independent (of course, I have always been) and I want to be the provider (which I have always been!). I want to be powerful (despite my size) and in control (I never said I wasn't a control-freak!). Hahahhahahaha.... Oh boy! The documentary became a self-reflection to me. What I have become in personality!
Unfortunately, for the moment SUVs and CUVs are beyond my means... really! I complain most of the time to fill up Blue, let alone thinking of filling up a CUV! And the insurance coverage! Think I'd roll everytime I have to fork out the amount! So I guess I have to settle with my blue MPV instead - the most economical of its kind, the cheapest to lug 7 adults around town, and the best kind to get cheap thrills driving around the country. :D
Mercedez Benz has never been in my choice but ML350... urgh, to die for!
So what's with the obsession of SUVs and CUVs?
Interestingly, I happen to watch this documentary on Discovery Channel over the weekend and it talked about the revolution of SUVs in the States. It was Jeep that started the whole she-bang. They came up with a model that was a total remake of the Jeep that they used during WW1. They never thought that the model would be a hit. They needed to sell 10,000 units a month for the period of 5 years in order to break even. But the first month the new model came out, they sold 60,000 units! Beyond expectation!
The automobile analysts were baffled with the outcome. They wondered why the Americans loved the SUVs. Analysis confirmed that the male Americans loved the feeling of being powerful and in control when on the roads, while the female counterparts associated SUVs with their need to be independent while being able to provide for the needs of their family.
Aaaaahhh.... guess that's why I love SUVs!
I want to be independent (of course, I have always been) and I want to be the provider (which I have always been!). I want to be powerful (despite my size) and in control (I never said I wasn't a control-freak!). Hahahhahahaha.... Oh boy! The documentary became a self-reflection to me. What I have become in personality!
Unfortunately, for the moment SUVs and CUVs are beyond my means... really! I complain most of the time to fill up Blue, let alone thinking of filling up a CUV! And the insurance coverage! Think I'd roll everytime I have to fork out the amount! So I guess I have to settle with my blue MPV instead - the most economical of its kind, the cheapest to lug 7 adults around town, and the best kind to get cheap thrills driving around the country. :D
Friday, November 14, 2008
If Only...
I came across this yesterday. The news piece was on Bush giving Obama a tour of the White House while having some private discussion.
The piece stated:
Bush also said that before he met with the president-elect, he called former President Clinton to recall a similar meeting the two had after Bush was elected.
"I said `Bill, I'm getting ready to meet with the new president and I remember how gracious you were to me,'" Bush said. "'I hope I can be as gracious to President-elect Obama as you were to me.'"
Isn't that nice? I have a feeling that when Bush said that, he meant it. Here he was, a Republican president calling a former Democrat presiden, saying that in a way "I owe it to you for being nice to me and I'm passing it on for the good of this nation". And he was nice to another Democrat who will take over his place for the next 4 years or so.
If Bush can be a humble human, why can't we?
The piece stated:
Bush also said that before he met with the president-elect, he called former President Clinton to recall a similar meeting the two had after Bush was elected.
"I said `Bill, I'm getting ready to meet with the new president and I remember how gracious you were to me,'" Bush said. "'I hope I can be as gracious to President-elect Obama as you were to me.'"
Isn't that nice? I have a feeling that when Bush said that, he meant it. Here he was, a Republican president calling a former Democrat presiden, saying that in a way "I owe it to you for being nice to me and I'm passing it on for the good of this nation". And he was nice to another Democrat who will take over his place for the next 4 years or so.
If Bush can be a humble human, why can't we?
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Waiting
I'm waiting. It may come tomorrow. It may come next week.
And when it comes, I want to see how it is presented. Would it be a headline? Or would it be a small talk that would chameleon itself among the bigs ones?
Would I be clapping or would I be gruntling?
I am waiting.
:P
As we Malaysians may well know, the Government will decide whether or not to continue having Mathematics and Science being taught in English for the primary schools fairly soon after the announcement of UPSR examination results. And the result is out today. I am very sure that they have actually started tabulating the statistics already by last week. How sure would I be? Alaa... I just know lah!
Anyway, I am all for teaching these subjects in English. What I am very much against is, the way the decision is made by relevant parties. They started the move 6 years ago, guinea-pigging the Standard 1 kids. The teachers weren't very much prepared - some have awful English mind you; most of the kids weren't exposed to using English as a second language, let alone being the primary language of communication and tonnes of other setbacks but they went ahead with it anyway. Bold move.
Now 6 years have passed and the Standard 1 guinea pigs are now the guinea pigs yet again to be tested by an even higher standards, which I must mention at a national level. And if the result is nonsatisfactory, they will change the teachings to be back in the national language. Now, correct me if I am wrong but I think just one group of guinea-pigs doesn't anwer the questions accurately. Test subjects need to be in multiple batches and with variables and... oh gosh... I can't believe I'm going on and on about this.
But what ever it is, I really hope that they don't decide on changing the teaching back to Bahasa Malaysia soon. For the sake of the kids, just let it be as how it is now - Math and Science in English. It's for the better of the generation, anyway. I really hope that they don't take the easy way out...
And when it comes, I want to see how it is presented. Would it be a headline? Or would it be a small talk that would chameleon itself among the bigs ones?
Would I be clapping or would I be gruntling?
I am waiting.
:P
As we Malaysians may well know, the Government will decide whether or not to continue having Mathematics and Science being taught in English for the primary schools fairly soon after the announcement of UPSR examination results. And the result is out today. I am very sure that they have actually started tabulating the statistics already by last week. How sure would I be? Alaa... I just know lah!
Anyway, I am all for teaching these subjects in English. What I am very much against is, the way the decision is made by relevant parties. They started the move 6 years ago, guinea-pigging the Standard 1 kids. The teachers weren't very much prepared - some have awful English mind you; most of the kids weren't exposed to using English as a second language, let alone being the primary language of communication and tonnes of other setbacks but they went ahead with it anyway. Bold move.
Now 6 years have passed and the Standard 1 guinea pigs are now the guinea pigs yet again to be tested by an even higher standards, which I must mention at a national level. And if the result is nonsatisfactory, they will change the teachings to be back in the national language. Now, correct me if I am wrong but I think just one group of guinea-pigs doesn't anwer the questions accurately. Test subjects need to be in multiple batches and with variables and... oh gosh... I can't believe I'm going on and on about this.
But what ever it is, I really hope that they don't decide on changing the teaching back to Bahasa Malaysia soon. For the sake of the kids, just let it be as how it is now - Math and Science in English. It's for the better of the generation, anyway. I really hope that they don't take the easy way out...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
God Works in Mysterious Ways
Just 2 nights ago, I was down. I was overwhelmed with sad and anger for things that happened in my life, laced with much yearn for something that is not mine to begin with.
So there I was, in a dark room late at night, praying and crying. I prayed for myself, I prayed for way out.
I prayed for the yearn to go.
And I relieved myself of my sadness, my pain.
The next morning I woke up to almost swollen eyes. I had to drive myself to Putrajaya for a forum. I had to do my daily routine first before I can go my way. I was still in pain.
But the drive slowly healed me. Then I saw how God works.
And I have to say that it's his MO - "You ask, but I'll decide what I give you".
He gave me a new friend, and this new friend gave me a good feeling about myself. He (as in God) gave me laughter that day. And a good feeling. And that good feeling lasted till today.
Thank you, God. You sure work in mysterious ways.
So there I was, in a dark room late at night, praying and crying. I prayed for myself, I prayed for way out.
I prayed for the yearn to go.
And I relieved myself of my sadness, my pain.
The next morning I woke up to almost swollen eyes. I had to drive myself to Putrajaya for a forum. I had to do my daily routine first before I can go my way. I was still in pain.
But the drive slowly healed me. Then I saw how God works.
And I have to say that it's his MO - "You ask, but I'll decide what I give you".
He gave me a new friend, and this new friend gave me a good feeling about myself. He (as in God) gave me laughter that day. And a good feeling. And that good feeling lasted till today.
Thank you, God. You sure work in mysterious ways.
Monday, November 10, 2008
It's Monday...
It's been a dreadful Monday. So dreadful that I wish I can just stay at home until Wednesday. Nothing really interesting happened. The truth is, NOTHING happened.
Oh boy... how can I drag myself through this day?
:P
Oh boy... how can I drag myself through this day?
:P
Friday, November 7, 2008
All in a Friday...
Today was R-day - report card day. The day that I dread every year. To face the class teacher and hear comments I already know too well.
So today, to ease the dread-ness, I made plans. I headed to the office first, on purpose. Even when I was on half-day leave. Had breakfast with my buddy.
I also made sure that I have my Starbucks vouchers with me so that I can just hop to one of its cafe and get me a free hot mocha to heal my pain. :P
I also planned to get me a birthday present at Southern Pottery at the Great Eastern Mall since I am eligible for a 50% discount this month.
So off I went to the class, jittery and all. Saw the teacher. Spoke to her. Comments, comments, complaints, complaints.
Aduhh....
Thing was, it was I who complaint and commented!
But it went well... So my plans for hot mocha and birthday pressie suddenly became unfounded and useless....
Apa da....
So today, to ease the dread-ness, I made plans. I headed to the office first, on purpose. Even when I was on half-day leave. Had breakfast with my buddy.
I also made sure that I have my Starbucks vouchers with me so that I can just hop to one of its cafe and get me a free hot mocha to heal my pain. :P
I also planned to get me a birthday present at Southern Pottery at the Great Eastern Mall since I am eligible for a 50% discount this month.
So off I went to the class, jittery and all. Saw the teacher. Spoke to her. Comments, comments, complaints, complaints.
Aduhh....
Thing was, it was I who complaint and commented!
But it went well... So my plans for hot mocha and birthday pressie suddenly became unfounded and useless....
Apa da....
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Conversation with A 4-Year-Old
4-year-old: Dia suka ikat rambut kan, Ma? (in a gossipping tone)
Mother: uh-huh
4-year-old: Tapi dia cantik ikat rambut. (in complimenting tone)
Mother: (lost for words)
This 4-year-old never cease to amaze me with her ability to talk like an adult as and when required. Scares me that she's growing up too quickly. One day I probably wake up realizing I'm talking to a 4-year-old, not my child but my grandchild.
Time flies. Don't blink!
Mother: uh-huh
4-year-old: Tapi dia cantik ikat rambut. (in complimenting tone)
Mother: (lost for words)
This 4-year-old never cease to amaze me with her ability to talk like an adult as and when required. Scares me that she's growing up too quickly. One day I probably wake up realizing I'm talking to a 4-year-old, not my child but my grandchild.
Time flies. Don't blink!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
As I Sit Alone In That Room
As I sit there in that room yesterday
I felt sad.
Do I really want to go through this?
The alienation
The awkwardness
The unfamiliarity
I have often experience the feeling
And it's not an easy feeling.
But I don't want to be too familiar
And I don't want to be too proud
I don't want to be too comfortable
Nor do I want to be too complacent.
But I don't like charting into uncharted territories.
I don't like manuveuring new routes
Or being the newbie
And making silly mistakes.
But I need new challenges
Empowerment
I need the ladder to climb.
I am torn.
I felt sad.
Do I really want to go through this?
The alienation
The awkwardness
The unfamiliarity
I have often experience the feeling
And it's not an easy feeling.
But I don't want to be too familiar
And I don't want to be too proud
I don't want to be too comfortable
Nor do I want to be too complacent.
But I don't like charting into uncharted territories.
I don't like manuveuring new routes
Or being the newbie
And making silly mistakes.
But I need new challenges
Empowerment
I need the ladder to climb.
I am torn.
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