I'm Fat

I'm officially fat!

NO! Don't say it! Don't deny me! I AM FAT!

I have been avoiding the scales since ages ago, and I know it will break if I weigh myself now. And I thought I was looking good 2 months ago! A month of gobbling down raya food made me put on what I lost in 3 months!

Cemana ni??

Can't think of a way to lose this quickly before year end... At least not until I finish this goreng pisang courtesy of my clerk....

:P

Spur Of the Moment

Have you ever been in a situation where someone you don't know well seem to have the same sentiments over a third person?

And that sentiment seems to be accepted by a few of those who seem to be observing the environment.

I'm referring but not limited to:

(a) a co-worker who bullshits too much
(b) a sibling who brags all the time
(c) a close friend who hails him/herself once too often

In my case, it's always (a). And it seems that his/her previous superiors have the same idea about this particular person; that they do not take his/her words, that they think he/she is full of BSes, that they outrightly hint that this fella is close to useless!

Not that I am jubilant about it. After all, he/she is free to take up my tasks the moment I'm gone from my current cubicle. And this person can manage the generality of his/her tasks while I go and sail away in my new boat!

But the fact that this person does not realize that some have noted his/her bullshiting activities, is a sad thing. Maybe when one throws too many false statements, the mind in itself no longer knows what is false and what is true! Kesian nyerr!

Cacat la like that!

Meltdown

When I was in my Economic 101 class, and learning about recession, I prayed that I never have to experience it.

Recession sounded big and terrifying. I imagined dark clouds hoarding the skies, all dull and gloomy, life so sad and unpretty.

Then a month ago, it dawned to me that it is already recession... that the economy is going down instead of up. And it is slowly but steadily going down. Then news about other countries trying to revive their economic situation start coming. Financial institution having hard times, interest rates steathily increased, stock markets fall below certain marks. It is recession, and I'm living through it. Though not as scary as I had imagined it to be but still it is scary. Money has no value, work becomes scarce, projects halted. It will go even lower than now to a point where things just can't go lower anymore and then, and only then, it will start to move up... as slow and as steady as it had when it went down.

I start seeing less patrons at food stalls. People have started to have homecooked meal.

Slowly things will go for the worst... And I'm living through it... Scary....

P/S: Though it's a sad economic state, let's just have a happy Deepavali, ok? :D

Betrayal

Or is it? I don't know.

What do you call it when you know your best friend sells stories that she/he shouldn't have? And that best friend doesn't admit to doing anything wrong.

What do you do? Do you confront your best friend? Do you let it be and pretend things didn't happen? Or do you stray away and slowly let go of the friendship?

Mail me and tell me what you think. Drop me a line at aina997@yahoo.com.

I Screamed at Her

Poor woman. All she ever wanted to do was to ask for opinion on how she should react to her employer. She was looking for solace, or maybe a good friend's ear and shoulder to listen and comfort her. I, on the other hand, was too busy pretending that I love my life.

Her number never appears on my phone. So when "Unknown" appeared, I could only think it was a bank trying to sell one of its products. I didn't think it was her, as she had been really quiet for more than a month.

Then I heard her chirpy voice.

She: Hi!
Me: Oh, hi...
She: Is it convenient for you to talk?
Me (thinking): Oh God, not even asking if I was well to listen to her whining.
Me: I'm driving.

A pause. A very awkward pause.

Me: What's wrong?

Another awkward pause.

Me: What's wrong? Tell me, what's wrong?

Then she started, whining and complaining about her work. Claiming that she doesn't know what she did wrong. Giving all the excuses in life that she's not at fault. Blaming her boss for waiting for her tasks to finish. I was going "Uh-uh", "Uh-hum", and "Hmm".

After 5 minutes, I couldn't take it. I didn't know what got into me, but I felt the devil sitting on my shoulders whispering evil words.

Then I did it. "Woman! Stop blaming people for things in life! Stop blaming the computer for having XP and that you need time to get used to using XP! It's not an excuse! Start seeing yourself as the reason to all your miseries! For goodness sake, do you think that you are too perfect that everyone is at the wrong and that you are right all the time???"

I think the whole of my uncle's neighborhood could hear me screaming. I bet it must have been an odd picture - a woman clad in proper baju kurung, with matching heels and expensive small bag screaming over the phone. They must have thought I was having a row with the hubby.

I just couldn't take the negativity any more. I need to be positive in times of negatives. I can't let her whining bring me down. But most of all, I have no strength to give her some of my positivities. I am weak, and I need no burden to carry.

But poor woman. This would be my second time screaming at her in our 10 years of friendship. The first one had us disappear from each other's lives for 6 years. I bet this one will do the same.

But hey, sometimes people just need some time away from one another.

*sigh*

Crossroad

You know how it is, to be at one. When you need to choose to either go left or right. When you have to choose between two.

I felt the crossroad as if it was real today, even when it was only perceived. Yes, my crossroad was just in my perception. Because I haven't come to the crossroad yet. Not yet, but soon.

I honestly thought I have decided. I really thought I have. I really thought I wanted it. But I do want it. I want it because it will be too late if I don't now.

But when I saw his face, his expectation and his empowerment weakened me. He made me guilty for thinking of the road I want to take. For needing the path. He is the one person who sees me in a different light, the one person whom I serve with great pleasure.

Would I be able to tell him that I choose to walk out the door and not stay? And leave my babies behind. My babies. My love. He, who entrusted me with the babies. He, who encouraged my skills, and respected my love for the babies.

But I have to wait till end of next year to see my babies again. I'll be too old to move by then. I'll be 35, and not a good age to walk out into a new neighborhood. It's not a time to learn to walk; it's a time to climb. And I need to climb. But I'll miss my babies.

Will I be able to look into his eyes and bid farewell to the person who treats me like his eyes, his hands and his legs? The one person who treats me human in the world of slaves? Will I?

I don't know. I wish the crossroad will not give me a hard time deciding when I come to it.

After all, I still have not seen it.

Jiwa Kacau

JK, she calls me. JK stands for Jiwa Kacau.

Very kacau la lately, I admit. I can't seem to be able to handle it. I try to blame one thing for it, yet when I really look, there's actually more than 10 reasons to my jiwa kacau.

It's so obvious that even a friend said I haven't been myself lately, and she's only judging that through my Facebook statuses. Well, I am a born transparent! What can I do?

For weeks, some kind of poisonous liquid has been flowing in my veins. I can feel it destructing my positivities. When the poison is not doing its job, I can feel that I'm being myself. But when the poison starts flowing again, I'm like a scorpion ready to sting.

Even the smallest of gedik-ness nauseates me when I have JK. Oh please, don't come and play buddy-buddy with me when I have JK. Please don't come and tell me about missing your girlfriend. Please don't come to me and try making friendly conversations without knowing the facts. And please, and this is most important, watch your step! You may unknowingly step on my toes and this scorpion will sting you without you knowing why!

I hate this. This is not me. Yes, I am a scorpion, but a scorpion that shies away when it doesn't feel like stinging. Yes, I am a tigress, but a tigress that roars to protect itself, its territory and its cubs.

I don't sting without reasons; I don't roar without being provoked. Not before.

*sigh*

I hope this phase ends soon.

Or is this mid-life crisis?

I Am With Emotions

I feel compelled to share with you this feelings. Hopefully once I got it out, I am able to come to terms with it.

Every time I listen to Mariah Carey's Bye Bye, I can't help but think of one person - my late mother-in-law. Every time it gets to the chorus, I would choke back and my eyes would water.

The chorus goes like this:

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

Miss you but I try not to cry

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I'd give the world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

But it's like you're gone too soon

Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

I was not that close to her. As a matter of fact, there were a lot of things that happened between her and me that shouldn't have happened. But a human is a human, and a human is not all bad or all good. A human has a mixture of everything, and it also depends on how we look at them.

I had my fair share of sharing grievances with her, fair share of laughter, fair share of love and emotions.

Until now, I can't shed the images of her smiling when she hugged Schera the day before she passed on. Until now, I can still hear her saying "Datang lah lagi" when I salam her and kissed her forehead the day before she went on. I still remember her laughing and smiling with her friends that Sunday when we crowded the house to see her. I remember detailing her small body, looking all frail and tired and fragile, yet she braved a smile everytime people spoke to her. And the next day I saw her all cold and still, and I felt like screaming and telling her to wake up. I felt like screaming and telling her to stop kidding around and make her grandchildren happy... But she was all cold... and still.

Despite our differences, I couldn't help but feel affected when she went away. After all, I had known her for 13 years - had seen her smile, had heard her voice, had smell her scent. Had her staying in my house and she had me stay in hers. Through the small window that we had, we shared, we emphatized, we felt... after all, we were women.

"Mama, my prayers are with you. I will never forget you. I wish I can see your smile again..."

Nothing Interesting

I schemed thru The Star the past 2 days and nothing interesting caught my eyes. Could this be for real? That nothing interesting is happening on the Malaysian soil other than some old man promising to annouce his stand in defending his post? I pried each and every one of the columns, right to the classifieds and no, nothing interest me at all. I forced myself to read about a man who denounced his son publicly as the son who owed the Ah Longs a huge sum has gone missing and leaving his family to the wrath of the Ah Longs. Then I looked at the smiling face of Raja Petra walking out of court, looking more like Harith Iskandar than himself, with a Giant plastic bag hanging from his left wrist. I read about him having finished reading 9 books while detained. I flipped further and saw Eva Longoria-Parker who went campaigning for Obama. Pretty woman, I thought to myself. Reading the newspaper has never been so uneventful.

Oh well. I suppose everything slows down when the economic graphs turn downwards.

Then, my phone beebed. A text message. I read the message, I was puzzled. I read it again and again. Then, I got it. When I did, I felt like throwing the phone to the wall!

The message read "Nikmati 20 SMS Percuma (Maxis ke Maxis) di dalam akaun anda. Satu cenderahati istimewa utk meraikan hari ulang tahun anda melanggani khidmat prabayar Hotlink." Loosely translated: Enjoy free 20 SMSes (Maxis to Maxis) in your account. A special token to celebrate your anniversary of subscribing to Maxis prepaid service.

Huh?? What the??

Did they know that I've been subscribing for 10 years already? A meager 20 free text messages doesn't come close to the amount I spent topping up and keeping my number active. This is an insult!!! What's more, I only pay 1 sen for every Maxis number that I frequently text! That only comes up to 20 sen of so-called token of appreciation! 'Special' sommo I tell you! Wallauweh... Daylight robbery nih!

OMG, I felt so cheated!

Come on la Maxis, spare me your BSes. I'm only keeping this number coz I've had it for a decade. Please check your system what kind of grievances that I've had the past 10 years, and please acknowledge accordingly. 20 sen as opposed to the thousands you've reaped from me? Gosh, you must think I'm dumb.

But then again, I maybe am. Maybe I am dumb to stay longer than I should, Maxis or anything else, for that matter.

I'm looking for ways to subscribe to the Multi Number Package right now. Maybe I should let Digi become my carrier instead. Kedekut punya Maxis! Need to teach 'em a lesson. Let it lose one customer... But, maybe it doesn't notice at all. *sigh*

Oh well, at least that made my adrenaline pump all over. Least it made the night slightly more interesting. :p

I'm Tired

I'm tired
I'm just tired

I'm tired of propelling these emotions
I'm tired of navigating and hoping I don't lose sight of the destination
I'm tired of manning the ship, tired of fighting the squalls and cleaning up the wrecks
I'm tired of folding the sail and unfolding it again when the wind blows my way

I'm tired of reading the script and wondering how to manouveur the character
I'm tired of trying to please the movie director
I'm tired of putting on make-up to make me look pretty
I'm tired of trying not to look ugly

I'm tired of being tired
I'm giving up
I am

I'm tired
I'm just too tired

Blog Hiatus

I almost forgot that I have a blog to update... Time flies these days, you can't seem to grab the time even when in actual you're not doing anything...

Ramadhan came and went in just a blink. Soon, Syawal will too. Looking at my calendar, the weekends have been booked with weddings (yes, weddings... when I was growing up, I only went for beraya in Syawal), open houses and reunions. I still have uncles and aunties to visit, but I have no time to go! Not on a working day! So when?? I probably end up not going at all.

So many things happened in the past 2 weeks.

1. Ramadhan ended. As far as I can remember, I never managed to do terawikh prayers till the last day. This year, I did. And for some reasons, it was a syahdu one. I remember my mom used to say 'Sedihnyer bulan puasa nak abis...'. I never understood. That night I did. I had tears in my eyes when I smiled at the person next to me and held her hand. She said 'Selesai dah kita...'.

2. The wait that made me decide. Well, the wait ended. And I have decided. I think I need to move on so that I can advance my personal skills. Thinking more of the PR field now... a full-fledged Corporate Communications person would be my target, in the PR field. Heck, I might as well work full-time organizing reunions and gatherings at home! Ahaks... if only that would pay my bills.

3. I got a new bag! A bigger thing to fit all my junks. And since it doesn't have a separator/divider, I had to dig into it every time I need to look for something... *sigh*

4. My kitchen got its kitchen look, finally! But will that make me cook more often? We'll see... hehehehhehe

Oh well...