So... That's All There is...

D-day - I was numb.

Day 2 - I was worried and restless.

Day 3 - I was a mess.

On Day 3, I hitched a ride during lunch time from a colleague to the mall near the office, and walked alone aimlessly. I didn't feel hungry despite a very light breakfast. My heart was racy; I couldn't think straight. I felt so lost and helpless.

Despite my colleague's advise to call her once I was ready to head back to the office, I walked. I needed to clear my head; I needed to think straight.

That was when I realized something.

Back in those days I was in school, Mama would always pull a face at Ayah everytime he sulked when his car broke down. She would always grumble, saying that if it was her being sick, he would not have cared so much.

I didn't understand why she grumbled; nor did I understand why he would sit quietly staring right through the television after dinner. I would always stay away from them both - knowing it would not be a good time to ask for additional pocket money or permission to stay back after school.

Whenever the mechanic came, Mama would always say "Ah Chen! Tolongla bela kereta tu... Dia (pointing to Ayah) banyak susah hati dia punya girlfriend sakit tau! Saya sakit pon dia tak susah hati macam ni..." (Ah Chen, please fix the car. He is so upset that his girlfriend is not well! If it was I, he wouldn't have been so upset...")

I would always giggle - never taking it too seriously.

But today, while walking back to the office, I suddenly understand. That walk had made me understand why Ayah would be so down and worried when his car broke. That walk made me realize that I too would be a mess everytime Blue broke.

Then I realize, it not so much of the love towards the car. It is the heartache that piece of metal caused when it got sick. It is the connotation it brings - car breaks down, pocket bores a hole. Car breaks down, immobility hits. It is the heartache of knowing that you depend so much on a car. And knowing that money doesn't come easy to get that piece of metal fixed and moving again.

So that's all there is to it.

Next time you see me walking aimlessly in a mall, you know that Blue isn't well and that I'm a mess - emotionally.

:D

But... Seriously...

Sometimes in life, we just don't have the faith in ourselves as much as others have in us.

I wonder why.

I wonder why that in every steps and moves that I make, I never believe that I can make it.

I keep fearing that I will fail.

Probably it's because I am passing through unchartered territory.

That I am not familiar with the landmarks.

Unsure of the stones I am stepping on.

But, seriously, I really have no faith in myself.