Envy...

Sometimes I would think - if we are envious of others with their lives, are there people envious of ours?

:\

My Professional Page

Finally got the my professional page up. Although it's just another blogspot page, but that would suffice for the time being. Was thinking of getting a real website, but then the 'boss' would make some noise that I am not using the company website instead. :P

So for those who are looking for a freelance technical writer/copywriter/editor/business analyst (yeah, i know, i know, mumbo jumbo, right?), do contact me. You can find my credentials here:

http://ainaothman.blogspot.com

I chose to call myself a pseudo-writer because most of the those I wrote never bear my name. Can't quite claim them as mine but I honestly feel safer to brag that way. Ahak!

"Why do you want to stay out of the country?"

Was in Spain recently.

As I had expected, I left Barcelona after a 10-day stint with an empty heart. Although I was glad to get home to my girls and normalty, I knew my heart will not be full again for a while.

And I guess it has been noticeable for the last many years that I look forward to be out of the country that I was thrown the question "You love to be away, don't you? Why do you want to stay out of the country?".

*sigh*

You see, I love Malaysia to bits. I am proud that I was born a Malaysian - with all its ethnicity, colors, (heat), everything minus the politics, of course. I would stand at the Autogate with my passport, tall with pride to have with me a Malaysian passport. I would gleam with awe every time I pass KLCC, especially at night, just like each and every tourists who came and took picture of it. I love my country for all that it's worth. It holds for me the opportunity to find my dream; it gives me the freedom to choose how to live my life.

So why is it that I still love to stay out of Malaysia?

Despite the good things it offers me, Malaysia gives me a connotation of hurts, pains and sadness. Something that I cannot run away from, however I want it. Whenever I step foot on Malaysian soil, it's always the feeling of forlorn and grief that would greet me first. It's like the hard cold reality slapping on your face telling you to wake up and to forget that dream of a perfect life.

And it tells you that a perfect life never existed.

Life outside of Malaysia gives me this sense - a perfect life. No sadness, no anger, no grief, no hurt. Life outside of Malaysia relieves me from the emotional pain that I have been carrying for so long. Life outside Malaysia tells me that as long as I am stepping on their soil, hurt is gonna be minimal.

So there is the answer. The one answer that I have had with me for so long. Now you know...

Rezeki...

Yesterday, I was accused of not believing in that it is God who provides and not human.

Little that the person knows that even though I do not spell it out loud, it is my daily belief that rezeki datang dari Allah. And little that the person knows that every single day, I count my God-given blessings.

To me, blessings do not come only in monetary form. It comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes when you less expect it, it comes to brighten your day and reminds you that Allah still cares.

Just like this evening.

Being a freelancer nowadays render me tight cash-wise. But the kids wanted to eat roti canai and I thought, why not. Before leaving, I gathered all the small change I usually dump in my handbag, calculating the massed amount while putting them in my purse. Enough for tea, I thought.

Upon arriving at the mamak stall, the girls were tempted to order other kinds of food. My mother once told me not to be calculative with the girls, or anyone for that matter, when it comes to food. Not that I ever have. Her words played in my head as I nodded in agreement to the girls' requests, at the same time doing some mental calculation if I had enough in my purse.

I resorted to just a glass of teh ais. I can make a simple dinner at home - let the girls have what they want.

Food came; the girls enjoyed their lunch-cum-tea.

Then an old friend walked in with his wife. We've bumped into each other many times here - they would sit and have teh tarik while waiting for their daughter to finish school and I would always walk in for a roti canai or two.

The couple sat at their own table for a bit, had something to eat and left in just a matter of minutes. As I waved them both goodbye, my friend stood at the cashier's and gestured to include us in his bill.

There you go. Rezeki memang datang dari Allah - it comes in many shapes and sizes; it comes when you less expect it; it comes to brighten your day and most of all, it reminds you that Allah still cares.

So, since I was accused as a non-believer just because I never say it out loud, lemme just say this once and for all - in my life, rezeki bukan datang dalam bentuk duit saja- it comes in the form of friends, their thoughts, their concerns. It comes in the form of a pack of durians from my next door neighbor; it comes in the form of a ride from a neighbor some doors away. It comes in the form of job offerings from strangers; it comes in the form of knowledge and advises and a spiritual course that helped me through the rough patches.

But most of all, in my life rezeki memang datang dari tempat yang tak pernah diduga.

Alhamdulillah...

2012: A New Beginning or Life is Just the Same?

Another year. But it feels the same.

Same pain, same hurt. Things are not going to be different just because it's a different year.

Same monkeys giving the same kind of pain.

*sigh*

Will this ever end?