As the clock ticks away the remaining of 2009, I can't help but feel really sad and empty.
It is like seeing one big book of my life stories closes, stashing away every emotions that overwhelmed me. It makes me feel sad because I know the road ahead is not going to be the same anymore. I will not see the same faces as how I had seen them in that big book. I will not travel the same road every morning as how I would in that big book. I will not feel as safe or as sheltered like when I was in that big book. I probably will not be the same person as I was in that big book.
And when that big book closes, it will never open again.
It was never like this before. Previous 31st Decembers promised the next day would still be similar. That I could expect slight improvements or minor alterations. Whatever that would be, I knew that I would be able to adapt to the new date or the new process. I knew that my emotional being would be able to handle the oncoming hits, because those hits may just be as hard or as subtle as before.
But not this time. This time, 31st December cannot tell me the same. It tells me to be ready but it doesn't say for what. It says the road is not the same but it doesn't say which way. It says I will change, but I am not told in what sense. It's like I am standing in a dark room, not knowing what to expect.
I have no one to blame for this but myself. I scripted it this way because I needed to save me from jumping off a cliff. I had to save myself from the inner and the outer voices. I needed to prove my courage to someone who never fail to find the silliest of reasons to condemn my every action. I had to prove that I mean what I said, and that I have no fear of standing up to my own words.
At the cost of standing in the dark room. Facing uncertainty. All alone. Sad and empty.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
As The Day Comes
As the final day approaches, more and more emotions appear. Some appear and disappear right away; some appear and become stronger the next day.
It's like I can go crazy anytime, if I choose to let those emotions take control of me.
Especially the lone drive home. When the body is tired and lose grip of the mind, and the mind just wanders off into all corners of the memories. Faces start flashing across the vision, closely followed by a tinge of unexplainable bittersweet feeling. Sometimes there's a subtle but noticeable pricking feeling that makes me feel empty and lost, knowing that those faces are marked permanently in my history and forever remain a part of me.
I have never spent this long being in an organization. Never had too many emotions tagged to one place; never loved a job more than I can ever explain. It was a place I called home, a place I was comfortable, where I felt belonged and was in place. It was my sanctuary away from life's cynical acts. It was my shelter.
This place saw me grow from one person with confidence she did not know she had to one who knows exactly when to exert it. It allowed my esteem to soar high. On my first day here, I was like an egg - motionless, useless. Over time, the egg hatched into a meaningless larva. And as if the larva had a clock, on one fine day it started webbing, bit by bit, little by little, non-stop and around the clock until its whole body turned into a hard cocoon. Then when the time is just right, not a moment less nor a moment more, the cocoon broke and free a butterfly with its unique colors and patches.
I was that egg. I am now that butterfly.
My unique colors are blotches from those people whom I crossed paths, those who walked along with me, those whose life I touched and touched mine back in return. Each and everyone of them contributed to the colors of my personality.
Along the way, strands upon strands of friendships were made. Some broken along the way due to conflicts and misunderstandings. Some died of natural causes. Some wilted away unattended while some just chose a different path and never turned back. Where one strand ends, the other begins.
But I am lucky to discover many strong strands that provided support and love when I needed some. Those strands became the cushion when I fell, became the ropes that hoisted me up on my feet again. They withstood my temper, my turmoil, my roller coaster rides. They formed a wall so that I can bounce back and be myself again.
Not a day that I forget to remind myself how blessed I have been being here. And I am forever grateful for each and every moment. Not one will I erase no matter how bitter or how painful it was. Not one will I value more than the other, for they all make up the beautiful years I have had here.
To all that I have known the last eight years, I only have these to say:
Thank you for the light when I was in darkness.
Thank you for the guidance when I got lost.
Thank you for the cheer when I was struggling, and the celebration when I made it through.
Thank you for laughters when I was crying, thank you for the lift when you saw me falling.
But most importantly,
Thank you for believing in me when in me, I see nothing.
It's like I can go crazy anytime, if I choose to let those emotions take control of me.
Especially the lone drive home. When the body is tired and lose grip of the mind, and the mind just wanders off into all corners of the memories. Faces start flashing across the vision, closely followed by a tinge of unexplainable bittersweet feeling. Sometimes there's a subtle but noticeable pricking feeling that makes me feel empty and lost, knowing that those faces are marked permanently in my history and forever remain a part of me.
I have never spent this long being in an organization. Never had too many emotions tagged to one place; never loved a job more than I can ever explain. It was a place I called home, a place I was comfortable, where I felt belonged and was in place. It was my sanctuary away from life's cynical acts. It was my shelter.
This place saw me grow from one person with confidence she did not know she had to one who knows exactly when to exert it. It allowed my esteem to soar high. On my first day here, I was like an egg - motionless, useless. Over time, the egg hatched into a meaningless larva. And as if the larva had a clock, on one fine day it started webbing, bit by bit, little by little, non-stop and around the clock until its whole body turned into a hard cocoon. Then when the time is just right, not a moment less nor a moment more, the cocoon broke and free a butterfly with its unique colors and patches.
I was that egg. I am now that butterfly.
My unique colors are blotches from those people whom I crossed paths, those who walked along with me, those whose life I touched and touched mine back in return. Each and everyone of them contributed to the colors of my personality.
Along the way, strands upon strands of friendships were made. Some broken along the way due to conflicts and misunderstandings. Some died of natural causes. Some wilted away unattended while some just chose a different path and never turned back. Where one strand ends, the other begins.
But I am lucky to discover many strong strands that provided support and love when I needed some. Those strands became the cushion when I fell, became the ropes that hoisted me up on my feet again. They withstood my temper, my turmoil, my roller coaster rides. They formed a wall so that I can bounce back and be myself again.
Not a day that I forget to remind myself how blessed I have been being here. And I am forever grateful for each and every moment. Not one will I erase no matter how bitter or how painful it was. Not one will I value more than the other, for they all make up the beautiful years I have had here.
To all that I have known the last eight years, I only have these to say:
Thank you for the light when I was in darkness.
Thank you for the guidance when I got lost.
Thank you for the cheer when I was struggling, and the celebration when I made it through.
Thank you for laughters when I was crying, thank you for the lift when you saw me falling.
But most importantly,
Thank you for believing in me when in me, I see nothing.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
HAH!
Really, I can't even bring myself to think of you without feeling like stranggling you alive.
I keep telling myself that it is because you are as such, is the reason why you are where you are. A person who does not need to use much of the god-given brain. Air-head. Can't even do your own job well but has the knack to make comments on how others do their work.
So what if I wanted to fill up the courier forms myself? So what if I decide I will not 'burden' you because I know you will still make smart-ass comments on me? So what if I am one who wants to finish the work that I start? Bloody hell my choice, isn't it?
It ain't you who pay the remaining of my salary here, lady! And I'm so fucking happy that there will come a day that the first thing I see when I walk into an office is NOT your snorty face.
Please lah, don't pride on the promotion when in reality, people complain on how you answer calls. You ain't professional, woman! You don't do justice to the image of the organization!
But hey, if I tell this to you, you'd CNN the whole world that I think I'm good. You'd be too bitter to even smile at me, probably wishing I'd zapp off that very moment. Well, here's the news, honey, I will not be here any more in a number of days and you can have the floor all to yourself. Go ahead and answer the calls your way, coz I ain't gonna be around to pick up those calls for you with my professionalism. No one's going to compare, coz no one can tell between glass and diamond.
But I ain't gonna bash myself over an air-head like you. I will spend the rest of my days here gracefully, coz I know I will never have to deal with you again.
All the best!
I keep telling myself that it is because you are as such, is the reason why you are where you are. A person who does not need to use much of the god-given brain. Air-head. Can't even do your own job well but has the knack to make comments on how others do their work.
So what if I wanted to fill up the courier forms myself? So what if I decide I will not 'burden' you because I know you will still make smart-ass comments on me? So what if I am one who wants to finish the work that I start? Bloody hell my choice, isn't it?
It ain't you who pay the remaining of my salary here, lady! And I'm so fucking happy that there will come a day that the first thing I see when I walk into an office is NOT your snorty face.
Please lah, don't pride on the promotion when in reality, people complain on how you answer calls. You ain't professional, woman! You don't do justice to the image of the organization!
But hey, if I tell this to you, you'd CNN the whole world that I think I'm good. You'd be too bitter to even smile at me, probably wishing I'd zapp off that very moment. Well, here's the news, honey, I will not be here any more in a number of days and you can have the floor all to yourself. Go ahead and answer the calls your way, coz I ain't gonna be around to pick up those calls for you with my professionalism. No one's going to compare, coz no one can tell between glass and diamond.
But I ain't gonna bash myself over an air-head like you. I will spend the rest of my days here gracefully, coz I know I will never have to deal with you again.
All the best!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Defragmenting the Sanity
It's been a while since I last defraged my emotions. No wonder it's haywire, sometimes making me a walking crazy woman.
Let's see what has been couping up in my mental box that have been messing with my sanity:
1. THE decision. Yes, finally the time to make up my mind on either staying or leaving has come to a final stone. Much emotional wars, SMS fights, name-calling, personality-bashing have occured the past 3 months that have made me decide to stop at least 50% of the torture by torturing myself another 80% more. At least I keep some mouths shut over the decision, and hopefully by keeping them shut, I become the happy me again.
2. Deciding subject #2. THE decision has actually made me think and rethink the life that I have been facing over the decade. If I can make up my mind on subject #1, I know I am able to decide on subject #2. After all, I am sure that I will not die despite whatever decision that I make. Having been in this situation for a decade does not make me a specialist nor it makes me a preacher of the subject matter. All it does me is deeper insanity and tougher personality.
3. The void. The void has become bigger and bigger and provoked a lot of questions in my head that I cannot answer. Much of the void was caused by subject #2.
4. Freedom of speech over in the virtual world vs. Noone in the virtual world takes me too seriously. When I regained my freedom of speech last week, I realized I have no one who'd take me seriously other than the one who gave me freedom. Guess it's a freedom gone to waste.
OK, that's about 30% of the defragmentation needed by my mental state of mind. The remaining 70% will take its process as the days go by. At least I got the ball rolling... :P
Let's see what has been couping up in my mental box that have been messing with my sanity:
1. THE decision. Yes, finally the time to make up my mind on either staying or leaving has come to a final stone. Much emotional wars, SMS fights, name-calling, personality-bashing have occured the past 3 months that have made me decide to stop at least 50% of the torture by torturing myself another 80% more. At least I keep some mouths shut over the decision, and hopefully by keeping them shut, I become the happy me again.
2. Deciding subject #2. THE decision has actually made me think and rethink the life that I have been facing over the decade. If I can make up my mind on subject #1, I know I am able to decide on subject #2. After all, I am sure that I will not die despite whatever decision that I make. Having been in this situation for a decade does not make me a specialist nor it makes me a preacher of the subject matter. All it does me is deeper insanity and tougher personality.
3. The void. The void has become bigger and bigger and provoked a lot of questions in my head that I cannot answer. Much of the void was caused by subject #2.
4. Freedom of speech over in the virtual world vs. Noone in the virtual world takes me too seriously. When I regained my freedom of speech last week, I realized I have no one who'd take me seriously other than the one who gave me freedom. Guess it's a freedom gone to waste.
OK, that's about 30% of the defragmentation needed by my mental state of mind. The remaining 70% will take its process as the days go by. At least I got the ball rolling... :P
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