"Why do you want to stay out of the country?"

Was in Spain recently.

As I had expected, I left Barcelona after a 10-day stint with an empty heart. Although I was glad to get home to my girls and normalty, I knew my heart will not be full again for a while.

And I guess it has been noticeable for the last many years that I look forward to be out of the country that I was thrown the question "You love to be away, don't you? Why do you want to stay out of the country?".

*sigh*

You see, I love Malaysia to bits. I am proud that I was born a Malaysian - with all its ethnicity, colors, (heat), everything minus the politics, of course. I would stand at the Autogate with my passport, tall with pride to have with me a Malaysian passport. I would gleam with awe every time I pass KLCC, especially at night, just like each and every tourists who came and took picture of it. I love my country for all that it's worth. It holds for me the opportunity to find my dream; it gives me the freedom to choose how to live my life.

So why is it that I still love to stay out of Malaysia?

Despite the good things it offers me, Malaysia gives me a connotation of hurts, pains and sadness. Something that I cannot run away from, however I want it. Whenever I step foot on Malaysian soil, it's always the feeling of forlorn and grief that would greet me first. It's like the hard cold reality slapping on your face telling you to wake up and to forget that dream of a perfect life.

And it tells you that a perfect life never existed.

Life outside of Malaysia gives me this sense - a perfect life. No sadness, no anger, no grief, no hurt. Life outside of Malaysia relieves me from the emotional pain that I have been carrying for so long. Life outside Malaysia tells me that as long as I am stepping on their soil, hurt is gonna be minimal.

So there is the answer. The one answer that I have had with me for so long. Now you know...