A Father's Love...

I was lying in an almost dark room, trying to make a 2.5 year old fall asleep when out of nowhere I was transported to the time when I was about 5 or 6, lying down on my Pakcik's (arwah) bed in Nenek's house and Ayah was rubbing my back, trying to put me to sleep. And I remember feeling so sad when he did that because I knew then that when he tried his best to put me to sleep at Nenek's house, it would be the time for him to travel to Johor Bahru where he was teaching.

Suddenly, my heart felt heavy and like a million pins pricking my chest, tears rolled down uncontrollably.

I remember those days, the day after he left, I would be sick. I would be feverish, and I would be sad. And Nenek had one cure, that Ayah would leave his last worn kain pelikat or shirt and I would hug that till I fell asleep.

That was me, the little girl who loved her Ayah.

And I still am that little girl every time I am with him.

You see, girls always have that special bond with their daddies. It's the man they would always look up to, the man who would never ever break her heart, the man they know who will love them unconditionally despite them being a failure to the world.

And more than once that I failed. And every time, Ayah has been there silently supporting, ever accepting, always praying for the best for me.

When I gave birth to Azfer, Ayah came to see me at the ward and the first thing he did was he kissed me on my forehead. My eyes welled, but being the tough girl, I hid my tears. I don't think he ever kissed me out of the blue, except after salam raya. For days I would recall the kiss. And every time, I would feel overwhelmed just like when he did it at the ward.

He must have been worried.And he must have been glad.

Over the last couple of years, I have been swamped with work and the kids, and more often now I would be guilty of not asking how he is doing or if he is well. And I would be bogged with guilt and would try to make up by asking trails of dumb blonde questions to cover up.

And nights like this one especially would make the guilt even worse.

I must make the trip home tomorrow, and break fast with him. Would not be the best solution for the guilt, but at least I could see my greatest pillar laugh and talk and that would add to my stock of strength, to be used when I need it most.

That is him to me - my pillar, my rock of rocks.

To all fathers reading this, Happy Ayah, Babah, Abah, Daddy, Papa, Walid, Abi Day, not just today but every day. You are your son's first hero, your daughter's first love.

Ayah and Azfer on Raya 2014

~ A mother's love is unlimited and never fades, but a father's love gives you strength to go on with life. ~

Ending 2014 with A New Pledge

Havent been here for so long.

Been really out of touch with my emotions since the little boy came into my life. He has been the center of my universe, the one that takes away all the pain. I have never been so in love with a being.

But I reserve that for later.

Only lately, I feel amiss. I feel that I miss myself more and more. I miss my voice, I miss my writing.

So here I am, towards the end of 2014, starting off with a pledge to start writing again.

:D

Envy...

Sometimes I would think - if we are envious of others with their lives, are there people envious of ours?

:\

My Professional Page

Finally got the my professional page up. Although it's just another blogspot page, but that would suffice for the time being. Was thinking of getting a real website, but then the 'boss' would make some noise that I am not using the company website instead. :P

So for those who are looking for a freelance technical writer/copywriter/editor/business analyst (yeah, i know, i know, mumbo jumbo, right?), do contact me. You can find my credentials here:

http://ainaothman.blogspot.com

I chose to call myself a pseudo-writer because most of the those I wrote never bear my name. Can't quite claim them as mine but I honestly feel safer to brag that way. Ahak!

"Why do you want to stay out of the country?"

Was in Spain recently.

As I had expected, I left Barcelona after a 10-day stint with an empty heart. Although I was glad to get home to my girls and normalty, I knew my heart will not be full again for a while.

And I guess it has been noticeable for the last many years that I look forward to be out of the country that I was thrown the question "You love to be away, don't you? Why do you want to stay out of the country?".

*sigh*

You see, I love Malaysia to bits. I am proud that I was born a Malaysian - with all its ethnicity, colors, (heat), everything minus the politics, of course. I would stand at the Autogate with my passport, tall with pride to have with me a Malaysian passport. I would gleam with awe every time I pass KLCC, especially at night, just like each and every tourists who came and took picture of it. I love my country for all that it's worth. It holds for me the opportunity to find my dream; it gives me the freedom to choose how to live my life.

So why is it that I still love to stay out of Malaysia?

Despite the good things it offers me, Malaysia gives me a connotation of hurts, pains and sadness. Something that I cannot run away from, however I want it. Whenever I step foot on Malaysian soil, it's always the feeling of forlorn and grief that would greet me first. It's like the hard cold reality slapping on your face telling you to wake up and to forget that dream of a perfect life.

And it tells you that a perfect life never existed.

Life outside of Malaysia gives me this sense - a perfect life. No sadness, no anger, no grief, no hurt. Life outside of Malaysia relieves me from the emotional pain that I have been carrying for so long. Life outside Malaysia tells me that as long as I am stepping on their soil, hurt is gonna be minimal.

So there is the answer. The one answer that I have had with me for so long. Now you know...

Rezeki...

Yesterday, I was accused of not believing in that it is God who provides and not human.

Little that the person knows that even though I do not spell it out loud, it is my daily belief that rezeki datang dari Allah. And little that the person knows that every single day, I count my God-given blessings.

To me, blessings do not come only in monetary form. It comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes when you less expect it, it comes to brighten your day and reminds you that Allah still cares.

Just like this evening.

Being a freelancer nowadays render me tight cash-wise. But the kids wanted to eat roti canai and I thought, why not. Before leaving, I gathered all the small change I usually dump in my handbag, calculating the massed amount while putting them in my purse. Enough for tea, I thought.

Upon arriving at the mamak stall, the girls were tempted to order other kinds of food. My mother once told me not to be calculative with the girls, or anyone for that matter, when it comes to food. Not that I ever have. Her words played in my head as I nodded in agreement to the girls' requests, at the same time doing some mental calculation if I had enough in my purse.

I resorted to just a glass of teh ais. I can make a simple dinner at home - let the girls have what they want.

Food came; the girls enjoyed their lunch-cum-tea.

Then an old friend walked in with his wife. We've bumped into each other many times here - they would sit and have teh tarik while waiting for their daughter to finish school and I would always walk in for a roti canai or two.

The couple sat at their own table for a bit, had something to eat and left in just a matter of minutes. As I waved them both goodbye, my friend stood at the cashier's and gestured to include us in his bill.

There you go. Rezeki memang datang dari Allah - it comes in many shapes and sizes; it comes when you less expect it; it comes to brighten your day and most of all, it reminds you that Allah still cares.

So, since I was accused as a non-believer just because I never say it out loud, lemme just say this once and for all - in my life, rezeki bukan datang dalam bentuk duit saja- it comes in the form of friends, their thoughts, their concerns. It comes in the form of a pack of durians from my next door neighbor; it comes in the form of a ride from a neighbor some doors away. It comes in the form of job offerings from strangers; it comes in the form of knowledge and advises and a spiritual course that helped me through the rough patches.

But most of all, in my life rezeki memang datang dari tempat yang tak pernah diduga.

Alhamdulillah...

2012: A New Beginning or Life is Just the Same?

Another year. But it feels the same.

Same pain, same hurt. Things are not going to be different just because it's a different year.

Same monkeys giving the same kind of pain.

*sigh*

Will this ever end?

:(

It has been a while since I really sat down and write.

Been wanting to, but either I got too tired before I even started or I lost the urge the moment I get to it.

Whatever lah...

Today the urge got a bit stronger, and I thought I should get it done once and for all and get the blog all warmed up again.

A (distant) friend lost his father today to a battle with the big C. I could not help but feel numb when I received the news from a mutual friend of ours. I know how his father had been his biggest supporter; he must be devastated. I wish I could offer him more than just a text message bearing the words he must have heard over thousands of times today. Alas, I am just another distant friend.

Instead I poured my sympathy on another friend who shared his own devastating news - that his eldest son may have mild autism. They would only confirm it this coming weekend. He looked really devastated - I don't blame him. I gave him all the positive, most encouraging words I could dig from my heart, though all the time knowing that none of my words could soothe his pain.

*sigh*

I guess now that my generation has arrived at the stage where life is no longer about the car we drive or the notebook we own or the phone we carry. It has come to the point where life and family matters more than material beings. It matters more to us if our kids can't read than if we would not get that year-end bonus. Priorities have slightly shifted, and it tugs at my heart realizing that I am not the only one who have mellowed down and changed my perception in life.

I pray the best for both of my male friends - may Allah gives you the strength you both need in this trying times of your lives.

Ameeenn....

As Usual...

It's only a couple more days till eid.

As usual, I dread the day. I can't seem to find it in me to be happy for Eid Mubarak. I have no idea why.

As usual, I wish that that very day would just breeze in a wink.

There is no mood for celebration, there is no mood for decoration.

All there is is just pretenses, for the kids.

Sigh.

Hiatus Yet Again...

I haven't been here for so long.

Not that I have given up on writing, only that I got too tired mentally these days that i have nothing much to say at the end of the day.

But today... today is something different.

Today I got slightly frustrated over the system that I am currently assisting documentation with. Part of my scope now is also to assist a Company Secretary to use the system. And it so happened that today I was called to provide some hands-on assistance. But when I was there, I could not proceed. Something that they did to the system the night before caused some errors in the system. I was frustrated.

When I got home, I saw a long list of emails on the matter. And I went thru the voices of the mailers. And I felt sad. Sad because there were voices who are just tired working round the clock for the last 5 months to get this up and running, but at the same time there are also voices who just could not be too bothered about the health of the system.

There was a system migration the night before and the system testers said they only checked (please mind: checked not tested). I felt so sad. If I had been them, I would have tested extensively.

Karang kita cakap banyak, orang kata kita pandai sangat. But the fact of the matter is that, the sense of belonging is not there. Semua orang buat keje macam lepas batuk di tangga. I feel so sad.

And I feel tired too.

I feel tired trying to understand why when you migrate, some things will go wrong. I feel tired trying to understand, when you install a new release, some things will not work. Why must a system fail just because a small updates somewhere. Why? Why?

I mean, I have seen this thing for months and months myself and I really got tired of how it looks like to me. I can imagine how the developers feel. Tapi tak boleh ke take accountability and see that the system works at full capacity. Sedihlah...


:(

Naseb ada insiden at noon that sorta brighten up the day a bit... Kalau tak... sigh...