So... That's All There is...

D-day - I was numb.

Day 2 - I was worried and restless.

Day 3 - I was a mess.

On Day 3, I hitched a ride during lunch time from a colleague to the mall near the office, and walked alone aimlessly. I didn't feel hungry despite a very light breakfast. My heart was racy; I couldn't think straight. I felt so lost and helpless.

Despite my colleague's advise to call her once I was ready to head back to the office, I walked. I needed to clear my head; I needed to think straight.

That was when I realized something.

Back in those days I was in school, Mama would always pull a face at Ayah everytime he sulked when his car broke down. She would always grumble, saying that if it was her being sick, he would not have cared so much.

I didn't understand why she grumbled; nor did I understand why he would sit quietly staring right through the television after dinner. I would always stay away from them both - knowing it would not be a good time to ask for additional pocket money or permission to stay back after school.

Whenever the mechanic came, Mama would always say "Ah Chen! Tolongla bela kereta tu... Dia (pointing to Ayah) banyak susah hati dia punya girlfriend sakit tau! Saya sakit pon dia tak susah hati macam ni..." (Ah Chen, please fix the car. He is so upset that his girlfriend is not well! If it was I, he wouldn't have been so upset...")

I would always giggle - never taking it too seriously.

But today, while walking back to the office, I suddenly understand. That walk had made me understand why Ayah would be so down and worried when his car broke. That walk made me realize that I too would be a mess everytime Blue broke.

Then I realize, it not so much of the love towards the car. It is the heartache that piece of metal caused when it got sick. It is the connotation it brings - car breaks down, pocket bores a hole. Car breaks down, immobility hits. It is the heartache of knowing that you depend so much on a car. And knowing that money doesn't come easy to get that piece of metal fixed and moving again.

So that's all there is to it.

Next time you see me walking aimlessly in a mall, you know that Blue isn't well and that I'm a mess - emotionally.

:D

But... Seriously...

Sometimes in life, we just don't have the faith in ourselves as much as others have in us.

I wonder why.

I wonder why that in every steps and moves that I make, I never believe that I can make it.

I keep fearing that I will fail.

Probably it's because I am passing through unchartered territory.

That I am not familiar with the landmarks.

Unsure of the stones I am stepping on.

But, seriously, I really have no faith in myself.

Hiatus...

It's been almost two months that I haven't been living my 'normal' life...no more late nights of succumbing to my innermost emotions, no more walks to peptalk myself out of a roller coaster ride.

My late nights would be to brainlessly surf the virtual sea or to make fun of friends on the social network. Not that I have brain-full daytime anyway. :P But to a certain extend, my brain just refuses to comprehend the emotions. It will call it a day whether there's work pending or not. It would ignore the waves of emotions, putting them all in a box for later consumption. And more often than not, those emotions just dwindle away unconsumed.

But I don't intend to stay this way for long.

I would want to start riding the roller coaster again for some reason. I would want to hear my overpowering voice again. I would want to wallow away in my emotions and be suffocated by them... but until then, I think I should get some rest... :P

Life...

Tonight a friend lost his mother. Not that he is a close friend such that his loss affects me, but the fact that life is so fragile makes me want to stop time and pray that I will not have to go through that sad stage of life.

You see, I have lost a child before. But that is different. As much as you love a being that had grown inside you for nine months, losing a child is not close to being as devastating as losing a parent.

Losing a child is like the whole world fall on you; losing a parent is like being swallowed whole by the world.

I can never imagine that happening to me. And if I can ask for it, I do not want to have to go through it ever.

My parents have been the pillars of my life. My main support team, my cheering team, my let-me-pull-you-back-on-track team, my you-know-we-are-always-here-for-you team. Time and again, I remind myself of how much love they have given me despite me being the hard-headed, stubborn first born. Day after day, I tell myself that I have never paid them enough for the love and encouragement that they have showered me with. There have been days that I hit myself for not giving them enough attention as compared to the amount of attention they gave me while I was growing up. It's as if I am repaying them with a pail of love when what they have been giving me surmount to the vastness of a sea...

And I am engulfed in this guilt that I do not know how to get out of.

Just the other day, my mother iterated a story of an uncle who is now slightly impaired due to a mild stroke he suffered some time ago. The incident was a funny one, and we chuckled at it. But as I was chuckling, a hard tug was pulling at my heart incessantly. I was laughing but I felt pain. Because at the back of my head, I remember how loving that uncle was, how he would call me and gave me a hug and asked me how my day was and what I learnt at school. I remembered his face when he was younger, how his face lit up when he was happy, and darkened when he was angered. I remember how much he loves the sea, fish and fishing. I remember how much he loves his fishing rods and nets. I remember how he was labelled the inseparable twin of my father by their colleagues, because they would travel to and fro the office together. If ayah had to go on emergency leave, one could be so sure that Pak Itam would not be in his office either. But now all I can think of Pak Itam is of how much he is dependable on Mak Itam, a man of strength and opinion is now toned down and is sometimes at loss. As much as I am not ready to lose my parents, I am not ready to lose any of my uncles and aunties. I have not told them of how much I love them and how they have been the moral support that I need in my life.

But I have to face it - that life is fragile... If only I can start somewhere...

The Darkest Hour is Just Before The Dawn...

It's October and for the last few days, I have been looking back and reflecting on things that have been happening in my life.

Too many things. Most of them involved if not emotional, financial. A pessimist me would describe the first 7 months of 2010 as the worst days of my life. A negative me would label it as the time when the whole world crumbled down, hit me, hurt me, bruised me and not one piece escaped me. It was like hailstorm day and night.

I have to admit that there were many times then that I regretted my decision to leave the job that I loved, the job that I toiled for and the one thing that gave me some sense of belonging and independence. I would beat myself up with blames, often feeling that life had no meaning any more. The blaming got worse every time the phone rang and I just knew that it was from the banks pushing for lapse instalments and payments. The emotions were sometimes unbearable. When they were, I would wheedle myself that everything would one day be fine again.

Life was for me at that moment bleak, sullen, mournful, resentful. Time and again, I would console myself that things happen for a reason. But more often than not, I would question back if there was any reason for my own doings. It was my decision and I had to pay for it. It came to a point that I found it dreadful to meet up with ex-colleagues, shy-ed away from even a note of 'Hi' from friends. Despite trying to appear happy, I was dragged deeper into my own black hole.

It was in early June that I really gasp for air. I was drained emotionally. I was strained financially. I finally became the bitter woman some claimed I was some years ago. Nothing helped, not even the solace of brisk walking for close to 5 kms everyday nor the lone time praying and talking to Him from the top of Melawati hill. During those bleak days, I thought that was how life would be for me for the rest of my breathing days.

Then, as how those old saying goes "the darkest hour is just before the dawn", things started to pick up slowly but surely. I finally signed my first employment offer letter in 9 years. 2 weeks after that, another offer popped up. The darkness broke and I started to see light. Very dim, but there was light nonetheless.

It was not until the last weeks or so that I realized, that really, everything did happen for a reason.

I did not realize then, that the 6 months I was down and out, was the 6 months that had me live my potential. Without me realizing, trying to keep my sanity had me do things that I wanted to but had no time to commit because I had to keep a full-time job and trying to please everyone but myself.

I did not realize that in the last 6 months, I have achieved more than I ever had in 35 years!

It was during those bleak days when my first writing was printed in one of the national daily. It may be my one and only, but at least I had a one. I realized that it was the best gift I could ever give ayah, and now the only piece that I have is framed and hanged on his wall. I can never forget for the rest of my life, how speechless he was when I showed him the piece, and how he tried to hide his croaking voice after he read it.

It was during those sullen moments when I volunteered for one running event which lead me to another, that lead me to another and another. Now, I have a permanent voluntary role with one of the organizers, and I am not doing it for the monetary reward but for the fun and satisfaction that nothing else gives.

It was during those mournful hours that I was offered a shot at television commercial acting. For one day in my life, I experienced being a 'star'. It may never come again the next 36 years, but at least it came once and it came at the right time. It came at the time I needed a picker-upper and an esteem booster. And nothing beats seeing my girls laughing happily every time they see me on tv. :)

But the blessing of all blessings that I have overlooked the last many months was, that it was during those resentful days, a kind heart of a beautiful friend held my hand and showed me that I have gone too far astray and lead me back to Him. That kind heart showed me that despite anything and everything, I still have Him to turn to and that I should never give up on Him. Through a 3-day training, I put aside my resentment, my anger, my sadness, my bitterness to realize that I have neglected my faith since the day Sofya passed away.

Now time and time again, I reminded myself that I have been blessed, that my decision to quit the job that I thought I loved was for a reason, that everything that happened during those bleak, sullen, mournful and resentful time of my life was for a reason. Everything, every one of them. Every one.

Little that I know that I would again hand in a resignation letter, just after 2 months of signing the acceptance. Although I was enjoying the new job, I could not find it in me to be passionate about it. Although I made new friends and acquaintances, I longed to be myself again and doing things that I know best. I was the old dog that couldn't be taught new tricks.

But this time, I remember to count my blessings.

And I really have been blessed.

The part time job that I took up since have never seen enough of me. I have never been this worked up before; I have never felt that I needed more than my 2 hands can deliver. And once again, I feel the sense of satisfaction I thought I lost. And as though blessings can never stop coming, the job offer that I was dreaming for came a moment sooner than I expected. It was like a reward when I have been enjoying rewards. It was like rays of sun when I am already enjoying the rainbow.

And only now I know, after seeing how beautiful is the rainbow and how magnificent is the ray, the reason that I was put through the heavy hailstorm. And why the darkest hour is just before the dawn...

:)

A Conversation with a 6-year old

Me: Esok Ya cakaplah kat Teacher Ayu 'Teacher Ayu, semalam saya tak datang sebab saya bangun lambat.'

Ya: Taaakkk... Ya cakap camni 'Teacher Ayu, semalam saya tak datang sebab mak saya tak bangunkan saya.'

Me: *Eyeballs rolling*

Paths Intertwined...

I was waiting for the elevator when a familiar face joined the wait. I could not make out when or where I had seen him before. I kept stealing a glance at him, trying to remember. My memory went as far as a decade back. But it did not click what was it that I encountered this man. All I know was that it had been a while since I last interacted with him.


You have to agree with me that life has got it's own funny way of intertwining the path of strangers. Even until now, I am intrigued at the fact that some people I got to know in my life knew each other at a different time. For example, Kak H, whom I got to know at my short stint in a particular university, happens to be a pet sister of M whom I knew back when I was in a preparatory program. It surprised me to know that Kak H also knows S, who is also a friend I knew at the same program. Kak H and S seemed to have worked together after coming back from the States.

And this is not the only example that intrigues me.

One night I was chatting with a friend who was tracing her past flames through the net. She found one, and he had the pictures of his family posted on one of the social networking sites. She told me that his wife looked very familiar to her. Being the kay poh chee that I am, plus I would like to see the face that devastated my friend's heart once upon a time ago, I asked her to share me the link to the photo. The next thing I knew, I was laughing so hard that I almost gasp for air... Apparently, her past flame married someone I know, and I was at their function a week before!

Such is the web of our paths, crossing one another for no reasons we can comprehend.

I also know of a man who fell in love with his classmate, to whom he never even said 'hi' before, 18 years after they left school. They both led different lives, had separate experiences and out of nowhere not only found each other, but also found love. Amazing, isn't it?

:)

Which reminds me of a friend's Facebook status. Ila wrote: 'Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking for each other a lifetime that it becomes a miracle!'

Sweet, ain't it?

Owh, by the way, that guy I saw at the elevator... well, he was the panel doctor for the company that I worked with before. I finally remembered while driving home. :D

So I was Asked...

I was posed with this question just  now, which made me chuckle a moment and stumped the next.

The question was "aina ni kerja byk2 job ke?"

I chuckled because at the back of my head, I had flashes of all the fun things that I have been indulging myself into since late June - the excessive volunteering, the commercial shooting, the job hunting, the contemplating of which job to take, the job hunting again. It is like my body has gone on overdrive and it can't be shifted down.

But those thoughts made me realize that going on overdrive for a stretch of time is not the wisest thing to do, regardless of age. Young or old, a body needs rest when a body needs rest. I guess that was what mine was trying to tell me. 6 weekends of driving up and down and running around while sandwiched between working days that start as early as 6 am can really dehydrate the engine oil of a car, what's more a human body. :)

Then the chuckle stopped, and I started thinking.

I started thinking that I must be running for something, or from something, that made me on this gear for a thad too long. Am I becoming greedy that I just want to be out there doing my volunteering all the time, while fitting in my dream of becoming a commercial star, at the same time juggling time to compile the book manuscript that is now long overdue to the dear publisher? Not to mention the part-time 'serious' work I have agreed to undertake in my so-called-free-but-does-seem-like-limited-now time.

And that sort of worries me of what I am becoming. A Jane of all trade? But a Jane of all trade is a master of nothing. But I want to be a master of everything. So how now? Do I press the slow-down button, or do I keep on the threadmill? Owh, talk of which, trying to keep a normal BMI is also in the daily to-do list.

So now the chuckle has turned into grims. Which I don't like, so I shrugged off the grims and decided, 'for as long that I am happy doing whatever that I am doing now, then I will keep on doing them for the sake of my happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction. If I find that I am no longer happy doing what I was happy doing, I can just press the stop button without having to come up with reasons.'

I guess the question was answered.

:D

Blowing Off Some Steam - Part 1

I think I have not written anything serious (read: political) for quite a while now. But I feel compelled to blow off some steam over a chat I had with someone this morning.

I have known this man for some time already. From the very beginning, I knew that he was not happy with the existence of UMNO and its agenda. Back then, I wasn't interested in arguing with him, plus the fact that I had no interest in the matter myself. Everytime he sent me chat through Yahoo Messenger, he'd ask me what's with the Malays.

No offence, but I try not to be the typical Malay. And he knew that. Most time those days, I'd shrug him off.

But this morning, he must have had a bad one. He was going on and on about the racial issues, the country, UMNO and the stupid and stagnant political situation. I was holding my patience. Honestly, I felt like hitting it back on his face. But instead, I went "hahahaha" and "hehehhe" for the most part. Either he thought I was encouraging him, or he had a thick skin... ramped right past those without even asking me how I felt about the whole situation.

You see, he is currently staying in the neighboring country down south. For the most part, I am sure his source of news would be the media - both printed and online. His frequent trips back into motherland are often short and more than I can imagine, would always get him into the horrendous jams and hideous acts of kay-elites.

So when he went on and on non-stop complaining and condemning the country, I composed myself and thought of the best way to shut him up.

"Since you are in SG, live life, enjoy it there, and maybe some day give up your citizenship", I said.

"It's in the pipeline", he replied.

It was adamant that my diplomatic skill is truely unpolished.

"Life is great, right?" I added.

"Well, life in SG in like shit. But sure smells better than in MY" he said.

Such sour grape bugger. All I felt at that moment was to stranggle and kill him. Not because I am protective of my country, his country, but because people like him are the ones who will halt the mentality of the people. People like him are the ones who will badmouth the nation and create biased views onto others. People like him will torment people like me who try to move forward and create a better nation for the children. People like him will condemn the past till their dying breath and yet never realized that after giving up their citizenship, they have no rights to harp or whine about this country anymore.

Not that we Malaysians don't whine. We do. We have every reason to. The economy, the politics, the lunacy of the policies, the rising cost of living. Almost everything under the sun. But life in Malaysia does not evolve mostly around these - we have family, we have personal issues, we have anything else that comprises the other 50% of our lives that we ought to be grateful for being a Malaysian. And the whining and complaining come like advertisements in between takes and scenes in a television drama episode. We Malaysians are trying to live, in the best way we know how.

It's because we Malaysians staying in Malaysia know that by hook or by crook, we still have to face today and the next. We know that we have a choice, to stay in the country or not. We have the choice to tolerate or to rebel. And we know that despite the stupidity of the political scenes, we rakyat are not as dumb.

So to that acquaintance of mine, I hope you find inner peace. Give up your citizenship. Move away from this region. Go praise other countries, but please leave me and the rest of the Malaysians alone and away from your negativities. Negativities kill, we Malaysians still want to live.

*But believe me I am not done.*

From My FB...

PEACE of mind,

LOVE in the heart,
HEALTH of the body and soul,
HAPPINESS in life...

there is always HOPE.