:(

It has been a while since I really sat down and write.

Been wanting to, but either I got too tired before I even started or I lost the urge the moment I get to it.

Whatever lah...

Today the urge got a bit stronger, and I thought I should get it done once and for all and get the blog all warmed up again.

A (distant) friend lost his father today to a battle with the big C. I could not help but feel numb when I received the news from a mutual friend of ours. I know how his father had been his biggest supporter; he must be devastated. I wish I could offer him more than just a text message bearing the words he must have heard over thousands of times today. Alas, I am just another distant friend.

Instead I poured my sympathy on another friend who shared his own devastating news - that his eldest son may have mild autism. They would only confirm it this coming weekend. He looked really devastated - I don't blame him. I gave him all the positive, most encouraging words I could dig from my heart, though all the time knowing that none of my words could soothe his pain.

*sigh*

I guess now that my generation has arrived at the stage where life is no longer about the car we drive or the notebook we own or the phone we carry. It has come to the point where life and family matters more than material beings. It matters more to us if our kids can't read than if we would not get that year-end bonus. Priorities have slightly shifted, and it tugs at my heart realizing that I am not the only one who have mellowed down and changed my perception in life.

I pray the best for both of my male friends - may Allah gives you the strength you both need in this trying times of your lives.

Ameeenn....

As Usual...

It's only a couple more days till eid.

As usual, I dread the day. I can't seem to find it in me to be happy for Eid Mubarak. I have no idea why.

As usual, I wish that that very day would just breeze in a wink.

There is no mood for celebration, there is no mood for decoration.

All there is is just pretenses, for the kids.

Sigh.

Hiatus Yet Again...

I haven't been here for so long.

Not that I have given up on writing, only that I got too tired mentally these days that i have nothing much to say at the end of the day.

But today... today is something different.

Today I got slightly frustrated over the system that I am currently assisting documentation with. Part of my scope now is also to assist a Company Secretary to use the system. And it so happened that today I was called to provide some hands-on assistance. But when I was there, I could not proceed. Something that they did to the system the night before caused some errors in the system. I was frustrated.

When I got home, I saw a long list of emails on the matter. And I went thru the voices of the mailers. And I felt sad. Sad because there were voices who are just tired working round the clock for the last 5 months to get this up and running, but at the same time there are also voices who just could not be too bothered about the health of the system.

There was a system migration the night before and the system testers said they only checked (please mind: checked not tested). I felt so sad. If I had been them, I would have tested extensively.

Karang kita cakap banyak, orang kata kita pandai sangat. But the fact of the matter is that, the sense of belonging is not there. Semua orang buat keje macam lepas batuk di tangga. I feel so sad.

And I feel tired too.

I feel tired trying to understand why when you migrate, some things will go wrong. I feel tired trying to understand, when you install a new release, some things will not work. Why must a system fail just because a small updates somewhere. Why? Why?

I mean, I have seen this thing for months and months myself and I really got tired of how it looks like to me. I can imagine how the developers feel. Tapi tak boleh ke take accountability and see that the system works at full capacity. Sedihlah...


:(

Naseb ada insiden at noon that sorta brighten up the day a bit... Kalau tak... sigh...

I Wish...

Sometimes I wish I can take a ride and make an appointment to see the Almighty.

I wish I can ask Him if this is the best for me. I wish I can confirm with Him if I am on the right track, and rectify my journey if not.

I wish I can tell Him what I want, and be told right away if what I want is good for me.

I wish He can tell me that He knows my pain. I wish He can tell me that this pain will go away one day.

How I wish...

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Pirah!

In Malaysia, when one says "Piiraahh!", it actually is a gesture saying "I know you're kidding me and you can go fly kite".

:)

And most times, it is said in a very friendly manner and between close friends who do not take offence with each other.

But in my case, it's different.

Apparently, a 'pirah' is actually a blood-sucking tick in Terengganu and Kelantan dialect. I had no bloody idea! (And I mean that literally... :D)

Three Mondays ago, I woke up with my right eye feeling like it was boxed. As if someone had given me a punch while I was asleep. I thought it was just a typical eye-infection and I brushed it off thinking I'd be OK.

On Tuesday, I discovered a small dangling thing above my eyelashes. I started to believe that it was a stye (or a ketumbit, in Malay). I played with the dangly-thingy every time I stand in front of the mirror, pushing it back and forth hoping that it would fall off eventually.

By Tuesday afternoon, I had tiny black specks on my lower right eyelashes. By then, I had gotten a bottle of Optrex to dispose. What intrigued me then was that those dark specks dissolved in the solution. After the second time washing, I deducted that those black specks were dried blood.

Come Wednesday, the pain got worst.

By Thursday evening, the pain was unbearable. The dangly-thingy was by then a big dark dangly-thingy. The specks of blood seemed to come continuously from it. I was by then terribly worried for myself. The eyelid was throbbing. No redness of the retina, cornea, iris or whatever terms you have for the eyeballs. Just the dangly-thingy, throbbing pain and the eyelid.

So I drove myself to the hospital. When the medical officer asked me what was wrong, I asked him if he knew what was wrong because I couldn't. I pointed to him my eyelid. I answered the same way when he was not satisfied with my attitude. But truly, I did not know what it was. I know I could have lived without the attitude, but it was too excruciating not to have any. :P

I must have waited for about half an hour before I was called into the doctor's room.

Doc: Sakit apa?

Me: Tak tau la, doktor. It has been here since Monday. *pointing the right eyelid*

Doc: Apa tu?

Me: (I was like 'you tell me, you're the doc')

For the first 5 minutes, the doctor was really irritated with me. She touched my eyelid, I screamed. She tried to lift my eyelid, I yelled at her. She had that irritated face on when she said she'd have to sent me to the specialist the next morning if I wouldn't let her do anything.

Then a nurse came and asked what was the matter. The doctor said she didn't know what it was and that it was dangling slightly above my eyelid. The nurse took a look and said, "Hmmm... kutu kot...". About then, another nurse came and asked the same question. One look and she said, "Kutu la tu..."

By then, the doctor had gained some confidence. She mellowed down, spoke to me kindly "Why don't you hold your eyelid so that you know where to touch, and I try to pull it out for you?" Right then she reached out for a long tweezer. Again, I screamed "You are not going to use that!"

"Let's try," she said gently. Such a fool I was to fall into her soft words.

As soon as that tweezer landed on that thing, it was as if a thousand pins were poking my eyelid.

With no more shame, I cried.

I wanted to tell her that I pushed out 3 babies and they didn't hurt that bad. Then I thought I'd sound like a smart-alec. So I kept it to myself. And at that moment, I wished I had not brought myself in that situation. I wished I had just stayed home and waited for that thing to just fall off by itself - whatever it was, even if it was an alien.

The doctor agreed to administer local anesthetic for me.

While the nurse prepared me on the examination bed, I shut my eyes real tight. Seriously, I was scared. When the nurse told me to grip tight while she injected the anesthetic, I thought of the 2 girls waiting for me outside. What if I didn't wake up, what if this kills me? And again, I wished I didn't make the decision to be there.

In less than 5 seconds, the doctor came and said "OK, come... kita cuba tarik."

I was resisting, for fear that the anesthetic hadn't come into effect. Too late though, the doctor pulled it out even before I was able to say "'w" for "Wait". Amazingly though, I couldn't feel anything.

They were jubilant! It was as if they had cured me from some alien disease. Me? Well, I was glad to even make it through alive...

:P

But it was not the end of the ordeal just yet.

The next day, the place that was 'bitten' was really itchy that I wished I could get a floor scrub and scrubbed the itch away.

But the whole thing really got my curiosity that I just had to google this thing.

So here's what I found...

Uhuh, that's the thing. That's how it looked like when it was alive. 

And that's how it looked post-eyelid. :P

I wouldn't want to know how it got there in the first place... 

Already a Month...

It's already a month now that I have ventured into this so-called 'freelancing' life. I can't say that I am all too happy. I admit it's less of a burden having to worry about office politics or dragging myself out of bed in the morning or worrying on what to wear to work.

What keeps harping at the back of my mind now is how to keep the financial momentum going after all of my 3 current projects are over. I worry if there would be a duration of time when there'd be no job for me, and obviously that would translate to no income and yadayadayada...

Yes, there are times when I feel I would probably hit a wall before I realize it. And it scares the hell out of me. Going back to 9-to-5 is definitely not what I would consider, now that I have enjoyed the full freedom of doing work late at night and resuming my sleep after sending the girls to school.

I absolutely love the feeling of flowing ideas in the middle of the night, when my only companion would be the sweet Quranic verses of ayat ruqyah playing in the background and occasional sound of the hamsters exercising on their wheel. I love the thought of not forcing myself to sleep even on a weekday just so that I would not get too tired to work the next morning. I am absolutely in love with the ideas that I get to set meetings with my clients at the hours of non-traffic, and that if I were to be stuck in going-home traffic it would not be a daily thing for me.

But life is all fair. It will give you what you want, but you probably have to pay for it - if not a lot, a bit. And I guess my worry is the price I have to pay for the life that I want.

*sigh*

Only You...

Only You know the level of my patience, dear Lord. Only You know why You test me in these ways.

Please make me a better person after all is said and done, and please reward me with what I deserve.

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Everything Bad Just Have to End!

Usually I would get excited (or emo) about certain things and would want to record my excitement (or emotions) immediately.

But I don't know why, this time the excitement does not prompt me to immediately hit my virtual diary. I guess I was too happy to make myself a sap. Maybe I was not sap-ping! (If such word exists... :D)

My latest excitement evolves around putting in (ANOTHER!) resignation letter. Yup! After much contemplating (5 months!), after much dragging (5 months!!), and after much persuading (5 months!!!), the light finally came to me and my decision to quit was not really that difficult. As a matter of fact, I was relieved. For 5 months, I pondered if my dream was ever worth it. You know, the dream of standing behind the exhibition hall, looking at the fighter planes flying low with their ear-piercing sound, looking at the men in uniform and feeling really satisfied. I pondered if the satisfaction is well worth the sacrifice, not so on the girls but much on my self-esteem, self-worth and health.

From one woman who was proud to live her dreams, I became one who dreaded weekday mornings. I would fall asleep the night before feeling all psyched up, only to wake up feeling so worn out and wanting more sleep. Really, that wasn't a good sign. I was stressed out easily, and I would let it out on the girls. Again, not a good thing.

But like I said before, I loved the job. I loved the exposure it had given me. But I just wasn't too excited anymore. Maybe because it was not something I had expected.

So, just like everything good, everything bad just have to end. And I put an end to it, much thanks to the Boss for making it an easy one.

But not before I made a GRAND FINALE - my first ever published newspaper advertisement. Well, I mean the idea was mine, the words were mine (though my name was not splashed all over them)... and it was published just a day before my last day there. :)

Oh, if I may add - I played a part in changing that logo at the top. :P

Sure was a good closure! :D

Pegi Ke?

I wish I can just drop this question to someone - "Pegi ke OBW? :)" But I know my question would go unanswered.

So I guess I will never know...

Pure...

The most purest thing is love in its innocent, sincere and honest form.

(What I feel after reading conversations between a fellow adik and his girlfriend on his FB wall...)

Shoe...

Took a friend out for lunch yesterday. Could not help but feel affected by what she shared with me.

From the moment we got into Blue, she iterated every single detail of what she was going through. What was thrown at her, what was expected of her, and how it all became so overwhelming for her.

She was already throwing hints at me months before, but I would always shrug it off. I thought she was being a typical woman throwing I-give-up statements ever so often. I did not know that she really meant it.

When we got to the parking lot of Ampang Point, that was the breaking point. That was when she broke and let out the pented up emotions. I felt her pain; I felt her not just as a friend but also as a woman. As short tears rolled down her cheeks, I too felt my heart sank. I felt that it was not fair that she had to go through that pain; that she had to receive all those beating of words. A woman does not need to face the hurtful words of being compared to another woman. A woman does not need to hear her predecessor's name over and over again or told how efficient or effective things were before.

I feel for her. I would not and do not ever want to be compared to anyone. I would not want the quality of my sacrifices become the subject of comparison. Nor do I want to be given the same expectation as whoever it was before me.

But the irony of the situation was - she was compared to me. It was my name that became the benchmark, repeated nauseously (if such word exists), and became the knife that hurt her numerous times. It was my name that was repeated over and over again. Surprising as it may seem, I too was feeling nauseated at the thought of being compared to ME!

Only after dropping her off that I realized how big a shoe she has to fill in. Probably I ought to feel proud that even after over a year, it was my love and passion that became the current expectation for her to meet. Probably I ought to feel good about myself, that I had done the right things then, that I had given my all. That all those nights I had spent till dawn with the girls sleeping in the surau have now paid off. That my willingness to put aside my femininity and pretend that I was born with brawn was taken note of. Maybe I ought to feel happy for myself...

But still.

I am sorry I left a big shoe, D. I did not know I had such huge foot. Now looking at it, even I would not want to be in your shoe! :D But I know you'll be able to fill it up with time. All the best!

:)

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Just A Thought...

I did not know how much I affect others in their lives. Until yesterday, when I found out that I still have an effect on someone so much so that that person took a drastic action, even when I was keeping my distance and was being silent.

I am happy to know that I have such influence, even by doing nothing.

:)

Almost A Month!

I was surprised to see that I haven't written anything in almost a month. I must have been THAT busy to not have time to layan my emotions.

But the truth is, I have been layan-ing my emotions almost everyday. Fighting myself out of bed every morning, coaxing myself with sweet promises, indulging myself in lies upon lies upon lies that all is well and that I love my job.

The fact is, I do love my job. I love the new things that I learn everyday. I love the fact that somewhere along the line, what I do now would matter at the end of the year. I love it that I learn to read media kits from the niche magazines; I love it that my newsletters would be read by people all around the world (though some may end up in their spam box). I love the fact that I am a small tiny molecule alongside the many other molecules trying to make a national event successful. I love being the small drive that contribute to a huge result.

But there is too many things to do at one time. There are too many urgent matters that require attention yesterday and not today. There are too many pending tasks that could have been tabled last week but are still untouched this week. And there's only 24 hours in a day, not to mention that now we have about a minute plus less everyday due to the earth movement during the Japan catastrophe.

And me being me, one who would lay out everything one by one, piece by piece, just cannot sprint at the rate that the team would want me to. Slow and steady is not how the game is played. In this game, the tortoise will never win. I have to be the hare, but I am not the hare. I can't run as fast as the hare, not only that I don't have the stamina, I also don't have the knowledge to run that fast. I do not know the nooks and crannies as to figure out a shortcut. I am looking at the map and trying to catch up with the race at the same time. Oh, let me tell you that the map is actually a blank piece.

So there you go.

My daily emotional roller coaster ride. I may be able to hype myself up and out of the house, but the moment I step into the office, the whole hype disappear with the thin air. I become lifeless, like a puppet without its master. But surprisingly, a lifeless puppet I am but still able to push myself to work pass 12 hours on certain days. :P

But I keep telling myself - I love my job. *SIGH* 

So... That's All There is...

D-day - I was numb.

Day 2 - I was worried and restless.

Day 3 - I was a mess.

On Day 3, I hitched a ride during lunch time from a colleague to the mall near the office, and walked alone aimlessly. I didn't feel hungry despite a very light breakfast. My heart was racy; I couldn't think straight. I felt so lost and helpless.

Despite my colleague's advise to call her once I was ready to head back to the office, I walked. I needed to clear my head; I needed to think straight.

That was when I realized something.

Back in those days I was in school, Mama would always pull a face at Ayah everytime he sulked when his car broke down. She would always grumble, saying that if it was her being sick, he would not have cared so much.

I didn't understand why she grumbled; nor did I understand why he would sit quietly staring right through the television after dinner. I would always stay away from them both - knowing it would not be a good time to ask for additional pocket money or permission to stay back after school.

Whenever the mechanic came, Mama would always say "Ah Chen! Tolongla bela kereta tu... Dia (pointing to Ayah) banyak susah hati dia punya girlfriend sakit tau! Saya sakit pon dia tak susah hati macam ni..." (Ah Chen, please fix the car. He is so upset that his girlfriend is not well! If it was I, he wouldn't have been so upset...")

I would always giggle - never taking it too seriously.

But today, while walking back to the office, I suddenly understand. That walk had made me understand why Ayah would be so down and worried when his car broke. That walk made me realize that I too would be a mess everytime Blue broke.

Then I realize, it not so much of the love towards the car. It is the heartache that piece of metal caused when it got sick. It is the connotation it brings - car breaks down, pocket bores a hole. Car breaks down, immobility hits. It is the heartache of knowing that you depend so much on a car. And knowing that money doesn't come easy to get that piece of metal fixed and moving again.

So that's all there is to it.

Next time you see me walking aimlessly in a mall, you know that Blue isn't well and that I'm a mess - emotionally.

:D

But... Seriously...

Sometimes in life, we just don't have the faith in ourselves as much as others have in us.

I wonder why.

I wonder why that in every steps and moves that I make, I never believe that I can make it.

I keep fearing that I will fail.

Probably it's because I am passing through unchartered territory.

That I am not familiar with the landmarks.

Unsure of the stones I am stepping on.

But, seriously, I really have no faith in myself.

Hiatus...

It's been almost two months that I haven't been living my 'normal' life...no more late nights of succumbing to my innermost emotions, no more walks to peptalk myself out of a roller coaster ride.

My late nights would be to brainlessly surf the virtual sea or to make fun of friends on the social network. Not that I have brain-full daytime anyway. :P But to a certain extend, my brain just refuses to comprehend the emotions. It will call it a day whether there's work pending or not. It would ignore the waves of emotions, putting them all in a box for later consumption. And more often than not, those emotions just dwindle away unconsumed.

But I don't intend to stay this way for long.

I would want to start riding the roller coaster again for some reason. I would want to hear my overpowering voice again. I would want to wallow away in my emotions and be suffocated by them... but until then, I think I should get some rest... :P