Shoe...

Took a friend out for lunch yesterday. Could not help but feel affected by what she shared with me.

From the moment we got into Blue, she iterated every single detail of what she was going through. What was thrown at her, what was expected of her, and how it all became so overwhelming for her.

She was already throwing hints at me months before, but I would always shrug it off. I thought she was being a typical woman throwing I-give-up statements ever so often. I did not know that she really meant it.

When we got to the parking lot of Ampang Point, that was the breaking point. That was when she broke and let out the pented up emotions. I felt her pain; I felt her not just as a friend but also as a woman. As short tears rolled down her cheeks, I too felt my heart sank. I felt that it was not fair that she had to go through that pain; that she had to receive all those beating of words. A woman does not need to face the hurtful words of being compared to another woman. A woman does not need to hear her predecessor's name over and over again or told how efficient or effective things were before.

I feel for her. I would not and do not ever want to be compared to anyone. I would not want the quality of my sacrifices become the subject of comparison. Nor do I want to be given the same expectation as whoever it was before me.

But the irony of the situation was - she was compared to me. It was my name that became the benchmark, repeated nauseously (if such word exists), and became the knife that hurt her numerous times. It was my name that was repeated over and over again. Surprising as it may seem, I too was feeling nauseated at the thought of being compared to ME!

Only after dropping her off that I realized how big a shoe she has to fill in. Probably I ought to feel proud that even after over a year, it was my love and passion that became the current expectation for her to meet. Probably I ought to feel good about myself, that I had done the right things then, that I had given my all. That all those nights I had spent till dawn with the girls sleeping in the surau have now paid off. That my willingness to put aside my femininity and pretend that I was born with brawn was taken note of. Maybe I ought to feel happy for myself...

But still.

I am sorry I left a big shoe, D. I did not know I had such huge foot. Now looking at it, even I would not want to be in your shoe! :D But I know you'll be able to fill it up with time. All the best!

:)

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