Pure...

The most purest thing is love in its innocent, sincere and honest form.

(What I feel after reading conversations between a fellow adik and his girlfriend on his FB wall...)

Shoe...

Took a friend out for lunch yesterday. Could not help but feel affected by what she shared with me.

From the moment we got into Blue, she iterated every single detail of what she was going through. What was thrown at her, what was expected of her, and how it all became so overwhelming for her.

She was already throwing hints at me months before, but I would always shrug it off. I thought she was being a typical woman throwing I-give-up statements ever so often. I did not know that she really meant it.

When we got to the parking lot of Ampang Point, that was the breaking point. That was when she broke and let out the pented up emotions. I felt her pain; I felt her not just as a friend but also as a woman. As short tears rolled down her cheeks, I too felt my heart sank. I felt that it was not fair that she had to go through that pain; that she had to receive all those beating of words. A woman does not need to face the hurtful words of being compared to another woman. A woman does not need to hear her predecessor's name over and over again or told how efficient or effective things were before.

I feel for her. I would not and do not ever want to be compared to anyone. I would not want the quality of my sacrifices become the subject of comparison. Nor do I want to be given the same expectation as whoever it was before me.

But the irony of the situation was - she was compared to me. It was my name that became the benchmark, repeated nauseously (if such word exists), and became the knife that hurt her numerous times. It was my name that was repeated over and over again. Surprising as it may seem, I too was feeling nauseated at the thought of being compared to ME!

Only after dropping her off that I realized how big a shoe she has to fill in. Probably I ought to feel proud that even after over a year, it was my love and passion that became the current expectation for her to meet. Probably I ought to feel good about myself, that I had done the right things then, that I had given my all. That all those nights I had spent till dawn with the girls sleeping in the surau have now paid off. That my willingness to put aside my femininity and pretend that I was born with brawn was taken note of. Maybe I ought to feel happy for myself...

But still.

I am sorry I left a big shoe, D. I did not know I had such huge foot. Now looking at it, even I would not want to be in your shoe! :D But I know you'll be able to fill it up with time. All the best!

:)

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Just A Thought...

I did not know how much I affect others in their lives. Until yesterday, when I found out that I still have an effect on someone so much so that that person took a drastic action, even when I was keeping my distance and was being silent.

I am happy to know that I have such influence, even by doing nothing.

:)

Almost A Month!

I was surprised to see that I haven't written anything in almost a month. I must have been THAT busy to not have time to layan my emotions.

But the truth is, I have been layan-ing my emotions almost everyday. Fighting myself out of bed every morning, coaxing myself with sweet promises, indulging myself in lies upon lies upon lies that all is well and that I love my job.

The fact is, I do love my job. I love the new things that I learn everyday. I love the fact that somewhere along the line, what I do now would matter at the end of the year. I love it that I learn to read media kits from the niche magazines; I love it that my newsletters would be read by people all around the world (though some may end up in their spam box). I love the fact that I am a small tiny molecule alongside the many other molecules trying to make a national event successful. I love being the small drive that contribute to a huge result.

But there is too many things to do at one time. There are too many urgent matters that require attention yesterday and not today. There are too many pending tasks that could have been tabled last week but are still untouched this week. And there's only 24 hours in a day, not to mention that now we have about a minute plus less everyday due to the earth movement during the Japan catastrophe.

And me being me, one who would lay out everything one by one, piece by piece, just cannot sprint at the rate that the team would want me to. Slow and steady is not how the game is played. In this game, the tortoise will never win. I have to be the hare, but I am not the hare. I can't run as fast as the hare, not only that I don't have the stamina, I also don't have the knowledge to run that fast. I do not know the nooks and crannies as to figure out a shortcut. I am looking at the map and trying to catch up with the race at the same time. Oh, let me tell you that the map is actually a blank piece.

So there you go.

My daily emotional roller coaster ride. I may be able to hype myself up and out of the house, but the moment I step into the office, the whole hype disappear with the thin air. I become lifeless, like a puppet without its master. But surprisingly, a lifeless puppet I am but still able to push myself to work pass 12 hours on certain days. :P

But I keep telling myself - I love my job. *SIGH*