Not Too Late for 2016

Haven't been here for far too long.

I miss those nights when I would be typing away in the wee hour of the night, digging into my deepest emotions, finding words from the dictionary that best fit my feeling, and feeling all exposed and relieved at the same time when I click the Publish button.

Too much has happened.

There was SPM 2015.

There was girl-falling-for-boy-but-boy-does-not-respond issues.

There was the trip that almost never happened.

There was the elation of a first pay, the frustration of dealing with racism, demotivation... a lot.

Emotional turmoil.

I was also topsy turvy by the turmoil, despite the fact that I was supposed to be the adult who has lived the last 40 years or so and should have been more grounded, more stable, more experienced so to speak.

But I was not, and I haven't been.

And so I let these emotions get to me and pin me to the ground. It was like I was the one growing up, it was like I was the one who just left school.

Had to pull myself up to get to work on most days, and mind you, work isn't that far for me. And that has been difficult.

Sleep has been my dearest friend, consoling me with dreams of love and laughter and contentment.

And all these invoke the youth in me that had been buried alive the last many decades. The youthful me, the one longing to love and be loved, the one hoping for a fairy tale life.

But dealing with it at 40 (or slightly off), is hell compared to when you were 20. Hell. Full stop.

I tried walking it off; I tried sleeping it off; they just don't work anymore. Hell. Pure hell.

Then I realized, the one thing that kept me sane through those hell days back in 2010 was writing the feeling off.

So, there. My answer. And I have been missing that me when I type away in the wee hour of the night, wearing off those numbing feeling in my chest.

Sigh...