And finally, I am lost for words to write.
For the last two years, I have been chunking emotions upon emotions into my writing and one day I woke up not having anything to say.
It feels wierd because I practically searched every inch of my emotional closet and I couldn't find anything to write about. My mind has gone blank. I'm having visions that my possible writing career crushed.
What could be the reason for my mind-block? Is it because I am home mostly and not having to deal with frustrations, anger and hatred? Or is it the other way round?
Whatever it is, I hope it goes away soon.
I miss my writing...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Thunder, Rain and My Mom
I was sitting at my parents living room when thunder started to sound. In less than a minute, rain started to pour.
My father and sister was staring at the blank television that had no signal from Astro.
As I looked up from White and onto my father and the whole house, I was brought back to days of me growing up.
In those days, whenever there was thunder, my mom would quickly switch off all electrical appliances. I remember getting scolded thousands of times because I refused to switch off the television when there was thunder and lightning. I hated rain back then... it took me away from my favorite series.
We would sit in the dark until the rain stopped. Really was not fun.
But today the scene was totally different - 3 fans still turning, one television turned on, the house was well lit. For a moment I wanted to asked my mom, when did she change her attitude towards thunder and lightning... But I didn't want to spoil it...
I love my mom... :)
My father and sister was staring at the blank television that had no signal from Astro.
As I looked up from White and onto my father and the whole house, I was brought back to days of me growing up.
In those days, whenever there was thunder, my mom would quickly switch off all electrical appliances. I remember getting scolded thousands of times because I refused to switch off the television when there was thunder and lightning. I hated rain back then... it took me away from my favorite series.
We would sit in the dark until the rain stopped. Really was not fun.
But today the scene was totally different - 3 fans still turning, one television turned on, the house was well lit. For a moment I wanted to asked my mom, when did she change her attitude towards thunder and lightning... But I didn't want to spoil it...
I love my mom... :)
Monday, April 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
My Loyal Companions
You guys ever believe our possession ada perasaan? I do...
I was an only child for 13 years, so my companions were my toys and my belongings. And since I had no friends to talk to, I'd always make believe that my belongings 'talk' to me.
One of my earlier love was 'Noni'...
Noni became my first ever companion. She spoke to me in voices heard by no other. She cried with me when I got scolded by my mother. She was alive to me in every single ways that can be thought of by a 6 year-old.
Along the way, few more companions came and went - Fred the tortoise, Sam the angelfish, Nana the huge plastic doll.
Each one was treated with love and care as if they were alive and had feelings.
Days turned into months. Months turned into years. College days, got married, had kids. I had no time to hallucinate objects with feelings.
Until I met Blue. It was a love I can't describe. Blue wasn't my first car, but it was the first brand new car I ever owned. I wasn't the kind who'd wash the car everyday, or one who'd tell you to shake the dirt off your footwear before getting into the car. My kind of love was different. I was (and have been) rough with Blue but I handled (and still do) it (him) with respect as if it (he) has feelings.
My mom once said never ever in front of a car, say anything about not loving it or not needing it anymore. I asked why, and she said, it has ears. It may be metal, but it has ears. I guess that further enforced my belief.
With Blue, I never verbally say anything. So true that even if I flirt or dream about having other cars, Blue is always first in my heart. Some say that about men and their first wives. I guess Blue is my first husband. (yeah, go ahead and speculate anything you want...)
Some nights ago, the life partner said to the kids about mama selling off her car. Although he was joking because he knows how much I love Blue, plus the fact that Blue was parked some 20 kilometers away, I guess somehow the wind brought news to its (his) ears.
And since then, Blue has been grumpy. Beside the fact that the compressor wasn't working and got fixed earlier, it (he) made squeeky noises (which I solved and found out was caused by the jack underneath the passenger seat), got the radiator fan motor malfunctioned, got it(him)self overheated for the first time ever, and today - today it got a bolt into one of it's 3 months old tyres.
So if you ask me if Blue has got feelings, I believe it (he) does. And as much as it (he) is hurt by those words, it (he) hurts me back in return. When it comes to Blue, it's not only a financial torture for me, it's also an emotional burden.
So please forgive me for yacking too much about Blue. Just hide my FB statuses if you had too much of me. I just love my Blue to bits.
:/
(And to be fair, I need to mention my other loyal companions: White the laptop, Stealth the phone, Black the mp3 player which is actually a replacement to Stone which decided to go MIA and Yellowman the broadband modem. I can't risk not having anyone of them buat perangai at this moment of time... :P)
I was an only child for 13 years, so my companions were my toys and my belongings. And since I had no friends to talk to, I'd always make believe that my belongings 'talk' to me.
One of my earlier love was 'Noni'...
Noni was an oversized teddy bear I fell in love with from a Cathay Pacific advertisement I saw in the newspapers when I was 6. One day, ayah and his colleague, Uncle Mazda, made a day trip to Singapore. Before they left, Uncle Mazda sat me on his lap and asked me what I wanted. I showed him that advertisement.
That night, they came back with 'Noni'. Uncle Mazda again sat me on his lap with Noni by the side and asked me what would I like to name it. I just shrugged. Then he said, "Nama Noni sedap. Kita panggil dia Noni, nak?". I just smiled, too shy to say anything and too disbelieved that I actually got what I wanted.
Noni became my first ever companion. She spoke to me in voices heard by no other. She cried with me when I got scolded by my mother. She was alive to me in every single ways that can be thought of by a 6 year-old.
Along the way, few more companions came and went - Fred the tortoise, Sam the angelfish, Nana the huge plastic doll.
As I grew bigger, I also grew out of them. That or they died on me.
When my little sister was born, I was in the rebellious stage. With much rebellion and resentment, I again recoiled into my 'seeking companion in belongings' phase. I had Man the daily journal and Man II the walkman.
Each one was treated with love and care as if they were alive and had feelings.
Days turned into months. Months turned into years. College days, got married, had kids. I had no time to hallucinate objects with feelings.
Until I met Blue. It was a love I can't describe. Blue wasn't my first car, but it was the first brand new car I ever owned. I wasn't the kind who'd wash the car everyday, or one who'd tell you to shake the dirt off your footwear before getting into the car. My kind of love was different. I was (and have been) rough with Blue but I handled (and still do) it (him) with respect as if it (he) has feelings.
My mom once said never ever in front of a car, say anything about not loving it or not needing it anymore. I asked why, and she said, it has ears. It may be metal, but it has ears. I guess that further enforced my belief.
With Blue, I never verbally say anything. So true that even if I flirt or dream about having other cars, Blue is always first in my heart. Some say that about men and their first wives. I guess Blue is my first husband. (yeah, go ahead and speculate anything you want...)
Some nights ago, the life partner said to the kids about mama selling off her car. Although he was joking because he knows how much I love Blue, plus the fact that Blue was parked some 20 kilometers away, I guess somehow the wind brought news to its (his) ears.
And since then, Blue has been grumpy. Beside the fact that the compressor wasn't working and got fixed earlier, it (he) made squeeky noises (which I solved and found out was caused by the jack underneath the passenger seat), got the radiator fan motor malfunctioned, got it(him)self overheated for the first time ever, and today - today it got a bolt into one of it's 3 months old tyres.
So if you ask me if Blue has got feelings, I believe it (he) does. And as much as it (he) is hurt by those words, it (he) hurts me back in return. When it comes to Blue, it's not only a financial torture for me, it's also an emotional burden.
So please forgive me for yacking too much about Blue. Just hide my FB statuses if you had too much of me. I just love my Blue to bits.
:/
(And to be fair, I need to mention my other loyal companions: White the laptop, Stealth the phone, Black the mp3 player which is actually a replacement to Stone which decided to go MIA and Yellowman the broadband modem. I can't risk not having anyone of them buat perangai at this moment of time... :P)
My Noni
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Ego
Quite frankly, I never knew that men can't take rejection.
When I was growing up, I rejected one or two (or three or four) when I was in a relationship. But I guess those didn't count. They weren't men. They were boys.
And for the longest time, I got myself into one relationship that halted my lessons on men. I have no idea that rejection from women really hurt men. Especially men with big egos.
Until one day.
I did not realize that I had twisted a man by his arm, and used his own words against him. And severed his ego, badly...
And time and time again, I become that dumb bimbo who forgot what disgusting creature that I must have turned myself into in his eyes.
But I think I'm OK and I will survive regardless.
Afterall, it probably take courage to do what I did - twist a man by his arm.
:D
When I was growing up, I rejected one or two (or three or four) when I was in a relationship. But I guess those didn't count. They weren't men. They were boys.
And for the longest time, I got myself into one relationship that halted my lessons on men. I have no idea that rejection from women really hurt men. Especially men with big egos.
Until one day.
I did not realize that I had twisted a man by his arm, and used his own words against him. And severed his ego, badly...
And time and time again, I become that dumb bimbo who forgot what disgusting creature that I must have turned myself into in his eyes.
But I think I'm OK and I will survive regardless.
Afterall, it probably take courage to do what I did - twist a man by his arm.
:D
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Cinta Agung
It was a sad news.
The whole family perished in a car accident. The car was wrecked and burnt until nothing of it was left. Including the 6 - husband, wife, and 4 kids aged between 11 and 2. They were on the way home from a vacation.
I try to put myself in their situation. Knowing those moments would be the last that you'll ever have with the children. Knowing that the next day, you are just history and memories, nothing more than pictures kept in drawers and shoeboxes.
It must be painful, but it may also be a relief knowing that the children will not grow up missing the love of their parents.
I don't know. I can never imagine.
But reading that news also got me thinking, there must be such thing as love made in heaven. The kind of love that binds a man and a woman, so strong that they would die with each other. Not for, but with.
Cinta agung, a wise friend calls it.
That same friend asked me once if cinta agung would still exist on this earth till she dies.
I told her it still would, only it may never hit neither she nor me.
Which reminds me of a man whose wife succumbed to the cruelty of the big C. She was his first love from the moment he laid eyes on her. She became the pivotal point in his life, everything about him was around her. When they got to know of her illness, it was too late to do anything. But her breath was his life. For the few years that she beared the pain, were the years that he too was hurt silently. When she could no longer get up from her bed, it was him who bathed her, fed her, changed her. He made her beautiful for their small children to remember how the mother looked like when she was alive. Even at the point when she was weak, she was his strength. She was his everything.
The night that she left in her sleep was the night the world fell upon him. The children were still small, his life was gone. He had no strength to move on, not even for himself. When she died, he died too... soul, life and love.
*sigh*
Cinta agung? Maybe it was.
But I don't want to be the one dying.
:|
The whole family perished in a car accident. The car was wrecked and burnt until nothing of it was left. Including the 6 - husband, wife, and 4 kids aged between 11 and 2. They were on the way home from a vacation.
I try to put myself in their situation. Knowing those moments would be the last that you'll ever have with the children. Knowing that the next day, you are just history and memories, nothing more than pictures kept in drawers and shoeboxes.
It must be painful, but it may also be a relief knowing that the children will not grow up missing the love of their parents.
I don't know. I can never imagine.
But reading that news also got me thinking, there must be such thing as love made in heaven. The kind of love that binds a man and a woman, so strong that they would die with each other. Not for, but with.
Cinta agung, a wise friend calls it.
That same friend asked me once if cinta agung would still exist on this earth till she dies.
I told her it still would, only it may never hit neither she nor me.
Which reminds me of a man whose wife succumbed to the cruelty of the big C. She was his first love from the moment he laid eyes on her. She became the pivotal point in his life, everything about him was around her. When they got to know of her illness, it was too late to do anything. But her breath was his life. For the few years that she beared the pain, were the years that he too was hurt silently. When she could no longer get up from her bed, it was him who bathed her, fed her, changed her. He made her beautiful for their small children to remember how the mother looked like when she was alive. Even at the point when she was weak, she was his strength. She was his everything.
The night that she left in her sleep was the night the world fell upon him. The children were still small, his life was gone. He had no strength to move on, not even for himself. When she died, he died too... soul, life and love.
*sigh*
Cinta agung? Maybe it was.
But I don't want to be the one dying.
:|
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Me & Sleep
Me and sleep are actually quite synonymous.
You can't find me sitting down doing nothing and not find me asleep. Anything that requires me to sit still and use my visual and hearing ability will have me asleep in less than 20. That's why you'd always see me on the go. Moving about doing absolutely almost everything.
Ironically, I can stay awake the most part of a drive being the co-pilot. Note: co-pilot. If I was the passenger, I'd take the opportunity to cat-nap the moment the gear hit D. :)
So, no surprise that now that I am jobless, I'd be asleep most of the time if I were at home. Sleep is the most priceless commodity for me since I was growing up. Better reak it while it lasts.
:D
You can't find me sitting down doing nothing and not find me asleep. Anything that requires me to sit still and use my visual and hearing ability will have me asleep in less than 20. That's why you'd always see me on the go. Moving about doing absolutely almost everything.
Ironically, I can stay awake the most part of a drive being the co-pilot. Note: co-pilot. If I was the passenger, I'd take the opportunity to cat-nap the moment the gear hit D. :)
So, no surprise that now that I am jobless, I'd be asleep most of the time if I were at home. Sleep is the most priceless commodity for me since I was growing up. Better reak it while it lasts.
:D
Thursday, January 28, 2010
My Thoughts...
Apabila kita merasakan musibah yang berlaku pada seseorang itu adalah kerana penganiayaannya kepada kita, pernahkan kita terfikir bahawa mungkin apa yang berlaku kepada kita itu adalah sebenarnya berpunca dari kita menganiyai orang lain?
Fikir-fikirkanlah...
Fikir-fikirkanlah...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A Lonely Road...
I didn't know that it was going to be this lonely
I would've turned back
And not make the call
If I had known that this road is a loneful journey
It is a time for reflection they tell me
But more of time for remorse and sadness
And more space for emptiness to creep in
There's a reason for everything they say
But when all I see is blame and anger
I start to ask where is the reason
When life seems more unfair and cruel
And has no mercy to the one who seems to be
Carrying more patience than she should.
Time and time again I ask
Is this the path for me, dear God
For it seems so treacherous the further I go
With poisonous vines seem to pierce my soul
And wound my faith
And hamper me from moving forward.
Am I heading towards my destiny
Or am I steering away from it
There is no compass for me to follow
Nor is there the North Star
To tell me to go forward, back, left or right.
It really feels like I am in the middle of a dune, with no telling the direction, all alone, thirsty, hungry, empty.
I would've turned back
And not make the call
If I had known that this road is a loneful journey
It is a time for reflection they tell me
But more of time for remorse and sadness
And more space for emptiness to creep in
There's a reason for everything they say
But when all I see is blame and anger
I start to ask where is the reason
When life seems more unfair and cruel
And has no mercy to the one who seems to be
Carrying more patience than she should.
Time and time again I ask
Is this the path for me, dear God
For it seems so treacherous the further I go
With poisonous vines seem to pierce my soul
And wound my faith
And hamper me from moving forward.
Am I heading towards my destiny
Or am I steering away from it
There is no compass for me to follow
Nor is there the North Star
To tell me to go forward, back, left or right.
It really feels like I am in the middle of a dune, with no telling the direction, all alone, thirsty, hungry, empty.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Technology-bimbo I'm Not; Typical (m) Man You Are
It's so sickening how a man of your own ethnic background can look down on you.
But I'm not referring this to all men, just certain men - the typical (malay) men who have ego the size of Jupiter but ion-sized brains. They think they are the superior-know-it-all and that women are the inferior-you-aint-know-nothing-baby piece of invention God has ever created.
Do you know that there's a daily convention of this male kind on the 3rd floor of Low Yatt Plaza? Yup, there is. I only discovered it by accident today.
My not-so-little-anymore sister decided that she'd get herself a new toy on New Year's day and had asked me to come along. I don't know much, but I do know that I know enough when it comes to comparing specifications.
At our first stop, a Lenovo caught our attention. The lengchai in-charge enthusiatically listed out the specification. No printed brochure, but he was kind enough to write down the details on a piece of blank paper. I haggled on the freebies, and after a while he agreed to trade them for something more useful. Great! That's our benchmark of the day.
We moved on, checked out other places, pestered a couple more lengchais and we finally got the grip on what we were looking for.
Some steps ahead, we passed this booth manned by a few abangs who called out for us to check out their stocks. I thought checking out on their deal wasn't any harm. So I walked over and had this interaction with one of them:
Me: Apa spec Dell ni, ek?
Him: Amik Acer la, Acer ni elok gak.
Me: Saya nak tau Dell dulu. Bagi spec Dell ni dulu.
Reluctantly, he listed out his offer by scribbling it on a piece of paper - the price, 320GB hard drive, 1GB RAM, screen size. By now, he had that I-got-you look on his face, smirking as if I knew nuts of what he was saying. Then I asked if that was all for the price. He quickly said something about the OS, and highlighted the 'FOC' softwares that he'd throw in.
When I said that I didn't need the FOC's because I can get them from the net myself, he countered that it's not that easy to download and install them. OK, typical men.
When I asked about the OS, he said "guna pirate je la". By then I had a shocked look. The price he was offering was higher than the lengchais' but at a lower specification. He insisted that I would get the same specification anywhere in the building. It hit me, he thought less of me. I mentioned that his price was high for whatever that he offered, and I thanked him. As I was about to turn around, with the look of disbelief he squeeled "Astaghfirullah al'azeeeeeeeemmm". Another step had him belch "sombong betul!".
By then, I was ready to turn around and give him a piece of my mind. Or give him a middle finger. Or punch him on the face. I did none. I just walked away.
Several more stops at similar abang stalls proved me right. A tudung-clad lady walking around asking for specifications and prices is a technology-bimbo in the eyes of these men.
Which made me upset. Because some naive bunch of girls from the local colleges would definitely fall into the trap. Because these superior-know-it-all kind will definitely strive and live on.
As my sister and I walked towards Ah Meng to final our deal, we both knew that even if we overpay him, it was for his effort, his lip-service and most of all, for respecting us ladies as his customers.
:/
But I'm not referring this to all men, just certain men - the typical (malay) men who have ego the size of Jupiter but ion-sized brains. They think they are the superior-know-it-all and that women are the inferior-you-aint-know-nothing-baby piece of invention God has ever created.
Do you know that there's a daily convention of this male kind on the 3rd floor of Low Yatt Plaza? Yup, there is. I only discovered it by accident today.
My not-so-little-anymore sister decided that she'd get herself a new toy on New Year's day and had asked me to come along. I don't know much, but I do know that I know enough when it comes to comparing specifications.
At our first stop, a Lenovo caught our attention. The lengchai in-charge enthusiatically listed out the specification. No printed brochure, but he was kind enough to write down the details on a piece of blank paper. I haggled on the freebies, and after a while he agreed to trade them for something more useful. Great! That's our benchmark of the day.
We moved on, checked out other places, pestered a couple more lengchais and we finally got the grip on what we were looking for.
Some steps ahead, we passed this booth manned by a few abangs who called out for us to check out their stocks. I thought checking out on their deal wasn't any harm. So I walked over and had this interaction with one of them:
Me: Apa spec Dell ni, ek?
Him: Amik Acer la, Acer ni elok gak.
Me: Saya nak tau Dell dulu. Bagi spec Dell ni dulu.
Reluctantly, he listed out his offer by scribbling it on a piece of paper - the price, 320GB hard drive, 1GB RAM, screen size. By now, he had that I-got-you look on his face, smirking as if I knew nuts of what he was saying. Then I asked if that was all for the price. He quickly said something about the OS, and highlighted the 'FOC' softwares that he'd throw in.
When I said that I didn't need the FOC's because I can get them from the net myself, he countered that it's not that easy to download and install them. OK, typical men.
When I asked about the OS, he said "guna pirate je la". By then I had a shocked look. The price he was offering was higher than the lengchais' but at a lower specification. He insisted that I would get the same specification anywhere in the building. It hit me, he thought less of me. I mentioned that his price was high for whatever that he offered, and I thanked him. As I was about to turn around, with the look of disbelief he squeeled "Astaghfirullah al'azeeeeeeeemmm". Another step had him belch "sombong betul!".
By then, I was ready to turn around and give him a piece of my mind. Or give him a middle finger. Or punch him on the face. I did none. I just walked away.
Several more stops at similar abang stalls proved me right. A tudung-clad lady walking around asking for specifications and prices is a technology-bimbo in the eyes of these men.
Which made me upset. Because some naive bunch of girls from the local colleges would definitely fall into the trap. Because these superior-know-it-all kind will definitely strive and live on.
As my sister and I walked towards Ah Meng to final our deal, we both knew that even if we overpay him, it was for his effort, his lip-service and most of all, for respecting us ladies as his customers.
:/
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