Collab or Coalition

Was a proud mom when the girls and I hopped on a video call and one of the topics we chatted on were the penamaan calon.

T: so calon semenyih yg PN tu parti mana? kan PN kan collab kan...

S: kakak, bukan collab kakak... coalition. collab tu kalau dorang buat lagu, kakak. dorang tak buat lagu, diorang formed a coalition...

T: diam ahh...

me: 🤣🤣🤣

Regardless, am proud the girls are woke at this age about politics. At their age, I was only concerned about wanting to marry and start a family.

Oh well... 😅

4 Years and Nothing Changed!

I truly forgot this excitement.

Typing out full sentences, only to delete them coz I feel they just don't fit.

Searching for the exact word that fits the feeling.

Digging deep into myself wanting to know what is it that I want to say.

Feeling liberated.

Free.

---- 

But I also learnt that as much as I have grown over the last 4 years, some emotions are still the same. 

And it's only best to let go now.

Turn over a new leaf.

Get some fresh air.

Be the happy, easy-going me. Again.

Make plans. 

Travel.

Laugh more. 

Frown less.

Love more.

Hate less.

----

"Ma, in 4 years time u turn 50"

"Chingu, my son's getting married next year"

Haih, and am still in denial.

So I haven't changed much. And am glad I remain constant. In that sense.

----

Life's gonna get better.

THAT

am sure...

Memory Non Grata

Tonight the flood gate was opened.

A distant, sad memory was mentioned and I found myself lost in melancholy.

Some 17 years back, in this very house, two young but eager couple started out on their lives. They had a month-old baby girl, who was the epicenter of their dream.

But life was hard for the couple. The husband had just quit his job to pursue his dream of having his own business, while the wife just became the victim of the economic downturn. When other young ones their age was trying to live the dream that they had upon graduation, this couple had to face the difficulties of their own making.

No income, but big dreams.

The house was gloomy, and empty. It reeked of spores and dampness. It was dark, it had no life, it was bare.

The couple survived daily on curry puff, bought for 20 sen a piece, 5 pieces at a time. And that was it. That was breakfast, that was lunch, that was dinner.

Once the wife's mother came to visit and handed her RM50 to buy rice.

The wife was sad, but she stood by her husband and stood tall by his dreams. She stood tall of supporting his need to prove himself worthy, despite she herself could have run back to her parent's and escape the difficult life.

That distant memory, at that very instant, pricked me like a thousand needles.

Tears slowly welled up, and one drop made it thru.

It was a difficult time, which I chose to forget. It was a difficult time, which I chose to not use as a lesson in life. It was a difficult time, but none as difficult nor as complicated as it is now.

On Letting Go...

Suddenly it dawned to me that I have to let go...

I have to... and I must.

I have to let life takes its own course. And to trust that that with lots of love and dua, the Greater Power will not let us down.

Not an easy feat, but I would rather lepaskan than get myself hurt along the way.

As though I havent been hurt enough already.

Budaya Compare-Mengompare

Omaigawddd tolonglah!

Whatsapp penuh dengan pertanyaan "How did your daughter do? Anak I dapat bla bla bla".

Kenapa kena tanya?

Kau ada nampak tak aku tanya kau pasal anak kau?

Kenapa kena compare?

Ada tak aku tanya anak kau puasa penuh? Anak kau solat sunat tak tetiap hari? Anak kau start puasa masa berapa tahun? Anak kau prihatin tak pasal isu-isu semasa masyarakat? Ada ke aku tanya anak kau tau tak cemana susah nak cari RM10 yang dia senang-senang boleh buang macam tu je kat Coolblog?

Please.

Straight A's does not promise a bright future. Opens doors, yes. But never an indicator to a better life. It is what the kids do to make themselves better people that would determine their success in life. I have straight A's friends whose lives are just as miserable as those yang tak ada A's. Ada je yang tak de A hidup just as happy as those of straight A's.

Ada je yang sekolah MRSM la konon yang sekarang hidup menipu orang.

Ada je yang drop out dari sekolah harian biasa yang hidup kaya raya siap sedekah merata senyap-senyap.

So why compare?

It is just a piece of paper.

Please, lah. I am tired of being diplomatic. It is our rights to remain silent.

I tak tanya, so you don't ask.

Dalam Hati ada Taman

Watched Tulus Ikhlas with Schera tonight.

It was playing half way when we subscribed, so I thought maybe we would be lost in the story line.

Boy, was I so wrong.

Five minutes past and Schera already crying buckets. Uncontrollably.

Which got me thinking of how soft-hearted she is. My once tomboyish little girl actually has a heart full of butterflies and flowers, but she build a solid wall around it to fend off intruders, including me.

Tough one, this one.

My next 6 years will be full of knocking down that solid wall using a small concrete nail and a tiny hammer. And with luck, I probably have a small hole enough to stick my hand in and reach her. Hopefully I get to stick my hand in time. Or I will never get to reach her at all.

Sigh...

For Tisya

I guess I have to resort to writing to you here.

I can't post much on FB anymore as there are so many eyes reading and not so many responding. I can't be looking like I am pooling sympathizers when I post a status about you. I don't need people to judge my parenting style; though I am not perfect, I believe I have been pretty much on track with you the last 3 years. Nor I want people to console me and tell me that I have done so much and that we both deserve a pat on our back.

I just want you to know that despite whatever result that you will see on that piece of paper this coming 3rd March, it is just a piece of paper.

I know you have tried your best, though probably not the very best, but we both know it was not an easy journey for you.

And the journey is not going to stop here.

And the journey is not going to be any easier from here on.

Life is going to be tougher for you; expectations are going to be higher. Heavier responsibilities from all angles - financial, emotional, physical, mental, everything. And we both know, more often than not, either of us are going to stumble, cry, wail, give up, but we also know that we are going to hang on, crawl on both hands and feet, scour for all strength and get back on our feet eventually. And we both know too, that I have your back. All the time. No matter what. You know that I will always be here to set you straight, to remind you that Allah exists, and to push you to believe in yourself even when you feel like no one else does.

If you ever fall this 3rd, please remember that there is always hikmah in everything. There is always a reason for everything to happen, though we will only see it in retrospective. Allah closes one door for you, but He opens better doors after. Trust in Him, bersangka baik pada Allah for He knows what is best for all of us.

Even if you don't fall, take this past journey as a lesson. Learn your weaknesses, harness your strengths, realize your potential. Move on, move forward. Repeat what you did right and avoid those you did wrong. Not only in your next phase of education but also in life -- no matter in any friendship, relationship or any kind of ships that may float you. :)

Always, always remember what I said to you the day you came back from your Add Math paper: It does not matter to me how many A's you score. I am already proud of who you have become, of who you are. You have come a long way from where you first started. To me, you have already scored A in life as a teenager, and no other A's can top that. I will always be proud of you for your efforts in trying to become a holistic person, of trying to be a better daughter, of being a human.

Keep pursuing that A in your next phase in life, insya Allah, you will do well.

And though I hardly hug you, kiss you or tell you that I love you, please in whatever situation, in any kind of weather, remember that you, Sofya, Schera and Azfer are always in my heart, my top priorities and loves of my life.

I will always pray for your happiness, your success and place in Jannah, till my dying breath.

With all my love,

Mama

Not Too Late for 2016

Haven't been here for far too long.

I miss those nights when I would be typing away in the wee hour of the night, digging into my deepest emotions, finding words from the dictionary that best fit my feeling, and feeling all exposed and relieved at the same time when I click the Publish button.

Too much has happened.

There was SPM 2015.

There was girl-falling-for-boy-but-boy-does-not-respond issues.

There was the trip that almost never happened.

There was the elation of a first pay, the frustration of dealing with racism, demotivation... a lot.

Emotional turmoil.

I was also topsy turvy by the turmoil, despite the fact that I was supposed to be the adult who has lived the last 40 years or so and should have been more grounded, more stable, more experienced so to speak.

But I was not, and I haven't been.

And so I let these emotions get to me and pin me to the ground. It was like I was the one growing up, it was like I was the one who just left school.

Had to pull myself up to get to work on most days, and mind you, work isn't that far for me. And that has been difficult.

Sleep has been my dearest friend, consoling me with dreams of love and laughter and contentment.

And all these invoke the youth in me that had been buried alive the last many decades. The youthful me, the one longing to love and be loved, the one hoping for a fairy tale life.

But dealing with it at 40 (or slightly off), is hell compared to when you were 20. Hell. Full stop.

I tried walking it off; I tried sleeping it off; they just don't work anymore. Hell. Pure hell.

Then I realized, the one thing that kept me sane through those hell days back in 2010 was writing the feeling off.

So, there. My answer. And I have been missing that me when I type away in the wee hour of the night, wearing off those numbing feeling in my chest.

Sigh...

A Father's Love...

I was lying in an almost dark room, trying to make a 2.5 year old fall asleep when out of nowhere I was transported to the time when I was about 5 or 6, lying down on my Pakcik's (arwah) bed in Nenek's house and Ayah was rubbing my back, trying to put me to sleep. And I remember feeling so sad when he did that because I knew then that when he tried his best to put me to sleep at Nenek's house, it would be the time for him to travel to Johor Bahru where he was teaching.

Suddenly, my heart felt heavy and like a million pins pricking my chest, tears rolled down uncontrollably.

I remember those days, the day after he left, I would be sick. I would be feverish, and I would be sad. And Nenek had one cure, that Ayah would leave his last worn kain pelikat or shirt and I would hug that till I fell asleep.

That was me, the little girl who loved her Ayah.

And I still am that little girl every time I am with him.

You see, girls always have that special bond with their daddies. It's the man they would always look up to, the man who would never ever break her heart, the man they know who will love them unconditionally despite them being a failure to the world.

And more than once that I failed. And every time, Ayah has been there silently supporting, ever accepting, always praying for the best for me.

When I gave birth to Azfer, Ayah came to see me at the ward and the first thing he did was he kissed me on my forehead. My eyes welled, but being the tough girl, I hid my tears. I don't think he ever kissed me out of the blue, except after salam raya. For days I would recall the kiss. And every time, I would feel overwhelmed just like when he did it at the ward.

He must have been worried.And he must have been glad.

Over the last couple of years, I have been swamped with work and the kids, and more often now I would be guilty of not asking how he is doing or if he is well. And I would be bogged with guilt and would try to make up by asking trails of dumb blonde questions to cover up.

And nights like this one especially would make the guilt even worse.

I must make the trip home tomorrow, and break fast with him. Would not be the best solution for the guilt, but at least I could see my greatest pillar laugh and talk and that would add to my stock of strength, to be used when I need it most.

That is him to me - my pillar, my rock of rocks.

To all fathers reading this, Happy Ayah, Babah, Abah, Daddy, Papa, Walid, Abi Day, not just today but every day. You are your son's first hero, your daughter's first love.

Ayah and Azfer on Raya 2014

~ A mother's love is unlimited and never fades, but a father's love gives you strength to go on with life. ~

Ending 2014 with A New Pledge

Havent been here for so long.

Been really out of touch with my emotions since the little boy came into my life. He has been the center of my universe, the one that takes away all the pain. I have never been so in love with a being.

But I reserve that for later.

Only lately, I feel amiss. I feel that I miss myself more and more. I miss my voice, I miss my writing.

So here I am, towards the end of 2014, starting off with a pledge to start writing again.

:D

Envy...

Sometimes I would think - if we are envious of others with their lives, are there people envious of ours?

:\

My Professional Page

Finally got the my professional page up. Although it's just another blogspot page, but that would suffice for the time being. Was thinking of getting a real website, but then the 'boss' would make some noise that I am not using the company website instead. :P

So for those who are looking for a freelance technical writer/copywriter/editor/business analyst (yeah, i know, i know, mumbo jumbo, right?), do contact me. You can find my credentials here:

http://ainaothman.blogspot.com

I chose to call myself a pseudo-writer because most of the those I wrote never bear my name. Can't quite claim them as mine but I honestly feel safer to brag that way. Ahak!

"Why do you want to stay out of the country?"

Was in Spain recently.

As I had expected, I left Barcelona after a 10-day stint with an empty heart. Although I was glad to get home to my girls and normalty, I knew my heart will not be full again for a while.

And I guess it has been noticeable for the last many years that I look forward to be out of the country that I was thrown the question "You love to be away, don't you? Why do you want to stay out of the country?".

*sigh*

You see, I love Malaysia to bits. I am proud that I was born a Malaysian - with all its ethnicity, colors, (heat), everything minus the politics, of course. I would stand at the Autogate with my passport, tall with pride to have with me a Malaysian passport. I would gleam with awe every time I pass KLCC, especially at night, just like each and every tourists who came and took picture of it. I love my country for all that it's worth. It holds for me the opportunity to find my dream; it gives me the freedom to choose how to live my life.

So why is it that I still love to stay out of Malaysia?

Despite the good things it offers me, Malaysia gives me a connotation of hurts, pains and sadness. Something that I cannot run away from, however I want it. Whenever I step foot on Malaysian soil, it's always the feeling of forlorn and grief that would greet me first. It's like the hard cold reality slapping on your face telling you to wake up and to forget that dream of a perfect life.

And it tells you that a perfect life never existed.

Life outside of Malaysia gives me this sense - a perfect life. No sadness, no anger, no grief, no hurt. Life outside of Malaysia relieves me from the emotional pain that I have been carrying for so long. Life outside Malaysia tells me that as long as I am stepping on their soil, hurt is gonna be minimal.

So there is the answer. The one answer that I have had with me for so long. Now you know...

Rezeki...

Yesterday, I was accused of not believing in that it is God who provides and not human.

Little that the person knows that even though I do not spell it out loud, it is my daily belief that rezeki datang dari Allah. And little that the person knows that every single day, I count my God-given blessings.

To me, blessings do not come only in monetary form. It comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes when you less expect it, it comes to brighten your day and reminds you that Allah still cares.

Just like this evening.

Being a freelancer nowadays render me tight cash-wise. But the kids wanted to eat roti canai and I thought, why not. Before leaving, I gathered all the small change I usually dump in my handbag, calculating the massed amount while putting them in my purse. Enough for tea, I thought.

Upon arriving at the mamak stall, the girls were tempted to order other kinds of food. My mother once told me not to be calculative with the girls, or anyone for that matter, when it comes to food. Not that I ever have. Her words played in my head as I nodded in agreement to the girls' requests, at the same time doing some mental calculation if I had enough in my purse.

I resorted to just a glass of teh ais. I can make a simple dinner at home - let the girls have what they want.

Food came; the girls enjoyed their lunch-cum-tea.

Then an old friend walked in with his wife. We've bumped into each other many times here - they would sit and have teh tarik while waiting for their daughter to finish school and I would always walk in for a roti canai or two.

The couple sat at their own table for a bit, had something to eat and left in just a matter of minutes. As I waved them both goodbye, my friend stood at the cashier's and gestured to include us in his bill.

There you go. Rezeki memang datang dari Allah - it comes in many shapes and sizes; it comes when you less expect it; it comes to brighten your day and most of all, it reminds you that Allah still cares.

So, since I was accused as a non-believer just because I never say it out loud, lemme just say this once and for all - in my life, rezeki bukan datang dalam bentuk duit saja- it comes in the form of friends, their thoughts, their concerns. It comes in the form of a pack of durians from my next door neighbor; it comes in the form of a ride from a neighbor some doors away. It comes in the form of job offerings from strangers; it comes in the form of knowledge and advises and a spiritual course that helped me through the rough patches.

But most of all, in my life rezeki memang datang dari tempat yang tak pernah diduga.

Alhamdulillah...

2012: A New Beginning or Life is Just the Same?

Another year. But it feels the same.

Same pain, same hurt. Things are not going to be different just because it's a different year.

Same monkeys giving the same kind of pain.

*sigh*

Will this ever end?

:(

It has been a while since I really sat down and write.

Been wanting to, but either I got too tired before I even started or I lost the urge the moment I get to it.

Whatever lah...

Today the urge got a bit stronger, and I thought I should get it done once and for all and get the blog all warmed up again.

A (distant) friend lost his father today to a battle with the big C. I could not help but feel numb when I received the news from a mutual friend of ours. I know how his father had been his biggest supporter; he must be devastated. I wish I could offer him more than just a text message bearing the words he must have heard over thousands of times today. Alas, I am just another distant friend.

Instead I poured my sympathy on another friend who shared his own devastating news - that his eldest son may have mild autism. They would only confirm it this coming weekend. He looked really devastated - I don't blame him. I gave him all the positive, most encouraging words I could dig from my heart, though all the time knowing that none of my words could soothe his pain.

*sigh*

I guess now that my generation has arrived at the stage where life is no longer about the car we drive or the notebook we own or the phone we carry. It has come to the point where life and family matters more than material beings. It matters more to us if our kids can't read than if we would not get that year-end bonus. Priorities have slightly shifted, and it tugs at my heart realizing that I am not the only one who have mellowed down and changed my perception in life.

I pray the best for both of my male friends - may Allah gives you the strength you both need in this trying times of your lives.

Ameeenn....

As Usual...

It's only a couple more days till eid.

As usual, I dread the day. I can't seem to find it in me to be happy for Eid Mubarak. I have no idea why.

As usual, I wish that that very day would just breeze in a wink.

There is no mood for celebration, there is no mood for decoration.

All there is is just pretenses, for the kids.

Sigh.

Hiatus Yet Again...

I haven't been here for so long.

Not that I have given up on writing, only that I got too tired mentally these days that i have nothing much to say at the end of the day.

But today... today is something different.

Today I got slightly frustrated over the system that I am currently assisting documentation with. Part of my scope now is also to assist a Company Secretary to use the system. And it so happened that today I was called to provide some hands-on assistance. But when I was there, I could not proceed. Something that they did to the system the night before caused some errors in the system. I was frustrated.

When I got home, I saw a long list of emails on the matter. And I went thru the voices of the mailers. And I felt sad. Sad because there were voices who are just tired working round the clock for the last 5 months to get this up and running, but at the same time there are also voices who just could not be too bothered about the health of the system.

There was a system migration the night before and the system testers said they only checked (please mind: checked not tested). I felt so sad. If I had been them, I would have tested extensively.

Karang kita cakap banyak, orang kata kita pandai sangat. But the fact of the matter is that, the sense of belonging is not there. Semua orang buat keje macam lepas batuk di tangga. I feel so sad.

And I feel tired too.

I feel tired trying to understand why when you migrate, some things will go wrong. I feel tired trying to understand, when you install a new release, some things will not work. Why must a system fail just because a small updates somewhere. Why? Why?

I mean, I have seen this thing for months and months myself and I really got tired of how it looks like to me. I can imagine how the developers feel. Tapi tak boleh ke take accountability and see that the system works at full capacity. Sedihlah...


:(

Naseb ada insiden at noon that sorta brighten up the day a bit... Kalau tak... sigh...

I Wish...

Sometimes I wish I can take a ride and make an appointment to see the Almighty.

I wish I can ask Him if this is the best for me. I wish I can confirm with Him if I am on the right track, and rectify my journey if not.

I wish I can tell Him what I want, and be told right away if what I want is good for me.

I wish He can tell me that He knows my pain. I wish He can tell me that this pain will go away one day.

How I wish...

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Pirah!

In Malaysia, when one says "Piiraahh!", it actually is a gesture saying "I know you're kidding me and you can go fly kite".

:)

And most times, it is said in a very friendly manner and between close friends who do not take offence with each other.

But in my case, it's different.

Apparently, a 'pirah' is actually a blood-sucking tick in Terengganu and Kelantan dialect. I had no bloody idea! (And I mean that literally... :D)

Three Mondays ago, I woke up with my right eye feeling like it was boxed. As if someone had given me a punch while I was asleep. I thought it was just a typical eye-infection and I brushed it off thinking I'd be OK.

On Tuesday, I discovered a small dangling thing above my eyelashes. I started to believe that it was a stye (or a ketumbit, in Malay). I played with the dangly-thingy every time I stand in front of the mirror, pushing it back and forth hoping that it would fall off eventually.

By Tuesday afternoon, I had tiny black specks on my lower right eyelashes. By then, I had gotten a bottle of Optrex to dispose. What intrigued me then was that those dark specks dissolved in the solution. After the second time washing, I deducted that those black specks were dried blood.

Come Wednesday, the pain got worst.

By Thursday evening, the pain was unbearable. The dangly-thingy was by then a big dark dangly-thingy. The specks of blood seemed to come continuously from it. I was by then terribly worried for myself. The eyelid was throbbing. No redness of the retina, cornea, iris or whatever terms you have for the eyeballs. Just the dangly-thingy, throbbing pain and the eyelid.

So I drove myself to the hospital. When the medical officer asked me what was wrong, I asked him if he knew what was wrong because I couldn't. I pointed to him my eyelid. I answered the same way when he was not satisfied with my attitude. But truly, I did not know what it was. I know I could have lived without the attitude, but it was too excruciating not to have any. :P

I must have waited for about half an hour before I was called into the doctor's room.

Doc: Sakit apa?

Me: Tak tau la, doktor. It has been here since Monday. *pointing the right eyelid*

Doc: Apa tu?

Me: (I was like 'you tell me, you're the doc')

For the first 5 minutes, the doctor was really irritated with me. She touched my eyelid, I screamed. She tried to lift my eyelid, I yelled at her. She had that irritated face on when she said she'd have to sent me to the specialist the next morning if I wouldn't let her do anything.

Then a nurse came and asked what was the matter. The doctor said she didn't know what it was and that it was dangling slightly above my eyelid. The nurse took a look and said, "Hmmm... kutu kot...". About then, another nurse came and asked the same question. One look and she said, "Kutu la tu..."

By then, the doctor had gained some confidence. She mellowed down, spoke to me kindly "Why don't you hold your eyelid so that you know where to touch, and I try to pull it out for you?" Right then she reached out for a long tweezer. Again, I screamed "You are not going to use that!"

"Let's try," she said gently. Such a fool I was to fall into her soft words.

As soon as that tweezer landed on that thing, it was as if a thousand pins were poking my eyelid.

With no more shame, I cried.

I wanted to tell her that I pushed out 3 babies and they didn't hurt that bad. Then I thought I'd sound like a smart-alec. So I kept it to myself. And at that moment, I wished I had not brought myself in that situation. I wished I had just stayed home and waited for that thing to just fall off by itself - whatever it was, even if it was an alien.

The doctor agreed to administer local anesthetic for me.

While the nurse prepared me on the examination bed, I shut my eyes real tight. Seriously, I was scared. When the nurse told me to grip tight while she injected the anesthetic, I thought of the 2 girls waiting for me outside. What if I didn't wake up, what if this kills me? And again, I wished I didn't make the decision to be there.

In less than 5 seconds, the doctor came and said "OK, come... kita cuba tarik."

I was resisting, for fear that the anesthetic hadn't come into effect. Too late though, the doctor pulled it out even before I was able to say "'w" for "Wait". Amazingly though, I couldn't feel anything.

They were jubilant! It was as if they had cured me from some alien disease. Me? Well, I was glad to even make it through alive...

:P

But it was not the end of the ordeal just yet.

The next day, the place that was 'bitten' was really itchy that I wished I could get a floor scrub and scrubbed the itch away.

But the whole thing really got my curiosity that I just had to google this thing.

So here's what I found...

Uhuh, that's the thing. That's how it looked like when it was alive. 

And that's how it looked post-eyelid. :P

I wouldn't want to know how it got there in the first place...